Well.
I had my first viability scan yesterday morning, at 8w2d. I was so absolutely terrified, that I was shaking in the waiting room, and started to bawl the moment I got on the table. The nurse (rather unfriendly, I would say) asked me why I was crying, and Dr. Barwin told her that I'd been here before, and it "brings back very bad memories". God bless that man. Anyways, they inserted the dildo cam and found.... nothing. No sac, nothing. A completely empty uterus. Of all the results I stressed about, that one was one I most easily dismissed. How could they find nothing? I had pulling, twinging, dizziness and sore breasts. I was pretty confident there would be *something* to see.
But again, I was wrong. I have lost complete faith in myself, in my body and in our future with children. It is not going to happen. Ever. No one can dissuade me of this - it is the only thing I have any confidence in any more: it is not going to happen.
After shedding my tears getting onto the table, I have shed no more. We will see Dr. Holzer soon to get his feedback on this cycle, and then who knows. Our package is finished, we have a $22,000 upcoming bill to have the house insulated and re-sided, and we need a new car in January. That neatly ties up our cash flow until the spring.
However, I am grateful that I will have nothing to miscarry. That, to me, will always be the worst case scenario. If I was crying now, that would have been the root of it. We can put this latest installment of our nightmare behind us.
And yes, 8w2d is a curse.
But again, I was wrong. I have lost complete faith in myself, in my body and in our future with children. It is not going to happen. Ever. No one can dissuade me of this - it is the only thing I have any confidence in any more: it is not going to happen.
After shedding my tears getting onto the table, I have shed no more. We will see Dr. Holzer soon to get his feedback on this cycle, and then who knows. Our package is finished, we have a $22,000 upcoming bill to have the house insulated and re-sided, and we need a new car in January. That neatly ties up our cash flow until the spring.
However, I am grateful that I will have nothing to miscarry. That, to me, will always be the worst case scenario. If I was crying now, that would have been the root of it. We can put this latest installment of our nightmare behind us.
And yes, 8w2d is a curse.