. r u i n s .
My life...mostly my marriage...is in ruins. The marriage has been crumbling; no shock there. Happiness never lasts...at least, not for me. This much, I should also be aware, but alas, I am fooled like the rest of them. Whoever they are, I do not know, but I can almost understand. Gullible is perhaps the word I am seeking to explain myself, although I have never allowed myself to be "gullible." I am going to blame the people that I have been viewing as my "rocks." They lead me to believe I am this or that, and especially happiness is what they made me believe I had, or felt. Either or, they made me fall into this trap that is gullible-ness.
I know...I cannot blame others for the stupidity of my own mind, but I can sure try. It certainly makes me feel a little better about my decision to become so fucking gullible, that's for sure. However, I know it is nobody's fault but my own. I take the fall for my idiocy, but I had to make it seem like it was not all me. Actually, it was PARTIALLY them, how about that? Okay, let's move on.
I think I am enjoying all this time to myself. I am rediscovering who I am, and that is something I should have done long before I got married. Making such a huge commitment and not knowing myself was a mistake, and that is some advice I would give to any potential husband or wife. Know yourself first. Know, and most of all, ACCEPT yourself first, before diving into something that could have the same outcome as this (I am using my situation as an example. Learn from me, do not follow me.) I know, a lot of people will tell you that you need to "LOVE" yourself before committing to anyone else, but let me tell you that is so far from the truth it is laughable at the least. I have wasted a lot of time trying to understand how to "love" myself, and it is not worth it. I do, however, ACCEPT and ENJOY myself. I know who I am, what I stand for, and I ACCEPT every success, every failure, every plight, everyTHING about myself. That is one step in the correct direction of loving oneself, however, I will NEVER "love" myself. Love is intangible, in all actuality. In my opinion, anyway. Therefore, it means NOTHING when put in a sentence referring to myself. In conclusion, I will only ever ACCEPT myself, NOT "love" myself. The sooner you realize this, the quicker you can save things before they go incredibly wrong.
My marriage took a nose dive, just as my life did when I turned 15. Not surprising, but it is so very disappointing. I am now 25 with absolutely nothing to show, because I worked for nothing and so, received absolutely NOTHING in the end. The end being today...tomorrow, however, is a brand new day. Fresh hours on the clock, although still the same stale numbers, they are still "new" hours that I can utilize to do something to push myself in the correct direction. A direction I have longed to go, but always settled for the cake walk...the easy way out, the stationary stance; I do not know if I'm even making sense at this point, but the mind rambles and so I must type.
I don't even believe I am in the same mindset as I was when I first began this entry. Sentences will run into sentences will run into sentences, if I do not stop myself.
I don't know my point. I do not believe I ever had one, come to think of it. I don't exactly regret any of my decisions, but perhaps this was going to be one of those sorrowful entries, full of regret, remorse and bullshit. However, I'm beyond that. I'm almost to the state of being numb, but I don't want to be. I want to feel; I really do. I'm just losing touch with that reality, and realizing I need to be a numb person with a strong head, and force my life in the correct direction without thinking about what everyone else thinks of me. If I continue feeling and caring, I will never take the right steps.
Anyway, I think something about marriage was my point. Marriage and correcting my life's path, actually. I suppose none of it matters, now. I feel it necessary to state that, none of this means I have a desire to "work" on my marriage. I outgrew it, or perhaps it was simply too mature for me. I do not understand that part, but at least he and I are excellent friends and I wish it to remain as such. I never want to damage the friendship part...and I am the type that DOES NOT stay friends with my ex's. That says a lot about how much value I put on this man. I am thankful for the person he is, and very proud of us for being civil and friendly toward eachother.
It is time for me to bring this to a close. I am missing my partner in crime, my main rock, dearly. I am feeling lonely, extremely melancholic and empty. I feel as though I have nowhere to go, nobody to turn to...nobody else needs this burden; it is mine to carry and figure out how to deal with. I should discontinue my complaints, and I will.
Goodnight.
I know...I cannot blame others for the stupidity of my own mind, but I can sure try. It certainly makes me feel a little better about my decision to become so fucking gullible, that's for sure. However, I know it is nobody's fault but my own. I take the fall for my idiocy, but I had to make it seem like it was not all me. Actually, it was PARTIALLY them, how about that? Okay, let's move on.
I think I am enjoying all this time to myself. I am rediscovering who I am, and that is something I should have done long before I got married. Making such a huge commitment and not knowing myself was a mistake, and that is some advice I would give to any potential husband or wife. Know yourself first. Know, and most of all, ACCEPT yourself first, before diving into something that could have the same outcome as this (I am using my situation as an example. Learn from me, do not follow me.) I know, a lot of people will tell you that you need to "LOVE" yourself before committing to anyone else, but let me tell you that is so far from the truth it is laughable at the least. I have wasted a lot of time trying to understand how to "love" myself, and it is not worth it. I do, however, ACCEPT and ENJOY myself. I know who I am, what I stand for, and I ACCEPT every success, every failure, every plight, everyTHING about myself. That is one step in the correct direction of loving oneself, however, I will NEVER "love" myself. Love is intangible, in all actuality. In my opinion, anyway. Therefore, it means NOTHING when put in a sentence referring to myself. In conclusion, I will only ever ACCEPT myself, NOT "love" myself. The sooner you realize this, the quicker you can save things before they go incredibly wrong.
My marriage took a nose dive, just as my life did when I turned 15. Not surprising, but it is so very disappointing. I am now 25 with absolutely nothing to show, because I worked for nothing and so, received absolutely NOTHING in the end. The end being today...tomorrow, however, is a brand new day. Fresh hours on the clock, although still the same stale numbers, they are still "new" hours that I can utilize to do something to push myself in the correct direction. A direction I have longed to go, but always settled for the cake walk...the easy way out, the stationary stance; I do not know if I'm even making sense at this point, but the mind rambles and so I must type.
I don't even believe I am in the same mindset as I was when I first began this entry. Sentences will run into sentences will run into sentences, if I do not stop myself.
I don't know my point. I do not believe I ever had one, come to think of it. I don't exactly regret any of my decisions, but perhaps this was going to be one of those sorrowful entries, full of regret, remorse and bullshit. However, I'm beyond that. I'm almost to the state of being numb, but I don't want to be. I want to feel; I really do. I'm just losing touch with that reality, and realizing I need to be a numb person with a strong head, and force my life in the correct direction without thinking about what everyone else thinks of me. If I continue feeling and caring, I will never take the right steps.
Anyway, I think something about marriage was my point. Marriage and correcting my life's path, actually. I suppose none of it matters, now. I feel it necessary to state that, none of this means I have a desire to "work" on my marriage. I outgrew it, or perhaps it was simply too mature for me. I do not understand that part, but at least he and I are excellent friends and I wish it to remain as such. I never want to damage the friendship part...and I am the type that DOES NOT stay friends with my ex's. That says a lot about how much value I put on this man. I am thankful for the person he is, and very proud of us for being civil and friendly toward eachother.
It is time for me to bring this to a close. I am missing my partner in crime, my main rock, dearly. I am feeling lonely, extremely melancholic and empty. I feel as though I have nowhere to go, nobody to turn to...nobody else needs this burden; it is mine to carry and figure out how to deal with. I should discontinue my complaints, and I will.
Goodnight.