11.21.10

Nov 21, 2010 00:36

so i sit;
so sure
&&now i realize; as i am wasting time;
that it is all wrong.
tell me; how can you go from your yesterdays being perfect;; so happy;; to today; just wanting to say your peace;;
so that you really can have the last word.
when i think about how the rage is inside me;; how it would feel so fucking good to just scream;;
scream in your face in front of her;;
to let you know i thought in my yesterdays i was special;;
&&now; i could walk away.
the thing about walking away;; how people sit and hold their head high i will never guess.
the doormat in me refuses to quit;;
so what is my other choice?
i can't, i won't feel like i am just an idiot;;
like i am the one who is overreacting;;
like i am the one who is wrong;;
when this evening;;
this evening was to belong to you and i/

what is the point where an acceptable reaction can be certainly reached?
why; do what i feel; i must doubt in most circumstances.
i know that i can't be.
in exile
two hours
you are a selfish ass
when you know everything that I am going though.
oh i wish;;; if i could have done today different;;;
i never would have woken up.
you know that my mom said that i am dead to her.
you know how bad it hurt when she told me if i came home she would strangle me until i stopped breathing.
and all of the shit i have done for you today;;;
thats what its all about.
you aren;t going to fucking reap anything from what i did;;
im not giving you the satisfaction nor the reward of me thinking about you;;; worrying about you.
i am just a piece of ass;;; thats fine.
the thought of want is that i should let you fuck me then spit in your face.
end everything with a story that;s worth telling;;
pretending like all of this doesn;t hurt on the inside;;; when it does.
what;s a reasonable time?
it;s been two hours.
you are an asshole;; if i did this to you;; you would lose your shit
but then i would be wrong there;;; as i am wrong now.
there clearly is no win in this situation.
as i have chosen to ignore some things that most people would not
does that make you respect me less?
because i deal with things that most girls wouldn;t?
i wish you never said it;;
i fucking started it but you really can;t believe anything that i say when i drink
i make things up all of the time;;; such elaborate bullshit i should win a nobel prize.
for spoken word.
i mean that doesn;t exsist.
i woke up the next day;;; and i knew that i didn;t mean it
but we kept saying it;; and saying it;; and saying it so i think that now;;;
i really do.
operant conditioning of the self doesn;t even seem possible.
or maybe it is.
maybe that;s how all of us make it though our shitty ass lives.
so i;m lying;;;;; then i shouldn;t fucking be upset?

everything is coming out tonight.
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