(no subject)
i dont let myself sleep at night.
i figured it out. if i would just lay down and close my eyes right now, i would pass out. i could have done it an hour ago but i got involved in talking to the girls and here i am, an hour later. we talked about a lot though, and it was nice after having a night of total silence basically. but yeah, i just dont let myself rest. great. i cant wait to get up in 6 hours. i am a dummy. and this last weekend i only got 5 hours of sleep each night. i need to be taking care of myself better than i have been. i need to go for a swim in the ocean. maybe i can do that tomorrow. i need to just spend some time in the ocean.
i guess i can give some sort of state of the life address but i am getting hungry so i need to sleep so that i can ignore that desire for food right now. it is not food time, its bed time.
but in short....bridget has moved out of our house and into a different one a few blocks over with other marist girl that are here. its better, she gets along with them and was never here anyway. and i took her room. the master bed room. i did have the smallest one in the house and now its weird cos i have the biggest one and its TOO BIG. ive never slept in a big room, not even in college. i think my biggest dorm room was smaller than this. and i have my own bathroom, which is great. it smells awesome and its clean and i love it. i dont know. i still gotta get some more furniture and things for my walls though cos its just TOO much space for a small person that doesnt own a lot.
umm. tim is wonderful. his friends sister passed away last week in a car accident. she was in the car with her 4 month old baby girl. the girl didnt have a scratch and mandy died. he was really upset and it really really upset me that i couldnt be there for him. i texted him all day but it wasnt enough. i remember how upset i was when he wasnt there for uncle chris's services and i guess thats another reason that i feel like i need to come back to the mainland. what do i do if something happens to my grandmother, or my parents, or nick, or tims family, or one of the girls? what do i do? what if something happens to me? i have ali and emily. thats it. and not like their not wonderful...but imagine my mother on a 25 hour trip here knowing im hurt or something. i dont know. i just gotta get back with the people i love. im too strong and too weak at the same time to be here. so i will enjoy it while i am still here, but my heart is so far away right now.
things are good with friends. i feel less judged for the decisions i make here. i feel like there is less focus on me and i dont feel like i am talked about as much. i feel secure. more so than i used to when bryan and i started hanging out. things there are weird and i am going to plead the 5th on talking about him for several reasons. hes a good person to know though. and we laugh. and so i am content there right now.
i have been tired and blah lately and i dont know why, i cant say its winter and seasonal depression or something....its still 80 here every day and granted its been windy...its hawaii. i can deal.
friday is first friday and saturday we are having a beach party here. i cant wait. its going to be a good weekend and i need it, even though this week seems to be flying by.
okay, i really need to get to bed. my eyes are heavy and Levon just came on my playlist. i love falling asleep to elton john.
i figured it out. if i would just lay down and close my eyes right now, i would pass out. i could have done it an hour ago but i got involved in talking to the girls and here i am, an hour later. we talked about a lot though, and it was nice after having a night of total silence basically. but yeah, i just dont let myself rest. great. i cant wait to get up in 6 hours. i am a dummy. and this last weekend i only got 5 hours of sleep each night. i need to be taking care of myself better than i have been. i need to go for a swim in the ocean. maybe i can do that tomorrow. i need to just spend some time in the ocean.
i guess i can give some sort of state of the life address but i am getting hungry so i need to sleep so that i can ignore that desire for food right now. it is not food time, its bed time.
but in short....bridget has moved out of our house and into a different one a few blocks over with other marist girl that are here. its better, she gets along with them and was never here anyway. and i took her room. the master bed room. i did have the smallest one in the house and now its weird cos i have the biggest one and its TOO BIG. ive never slept in a big room, not even in college. i think my biggest dorm room was smaller than this. and i have my own bathroom, which is great. it smells awesome and its clean and i love it. i dont know. i still gotta get some more furniture and things for my walls though cos its just TOO much space for a small person that doesnt own a lot.
umm. tim is wonderful. his friends sister passed away last week in a car accident. she was in the car with her 4 month old baby girl. the girl didnt have a scratch and mandy died. he was really upset and it really really upset me that i couldnt be there for him. i texted him all day but it wasnt enough. i remember how upset i was when he wasnt there for uncle chris's services and i guess thats another reason that i feel like i need to come back to the mainland. what do i do if something happens to my grandmother, or my parents, or nick, or tims family, or one of the girls? what do i do? what if something happens to me? i have ali and emily. thats it. and not like their not wonderful...but imagine my mother on a 25 hour trip here knowing im hurt or something. i dont know. i just gotta get back with the people i love. im too strong and too weak at the same time to be here. so i will enjoy it while i am still here, but my heart is so far away right now.
things are good with friends. i feel less judged for the decisions i make here. i feel like there is less focus on me and i dont feel like i am talked about as much. i feel secure. more so than i used to when bryan and i started hanging out. things there are weird and i am going to plead the 5th on talking about him for several reasons. hes a good person to know though. and we laugh. and so i am content there right now.
i have been tired and blah lately and i dont know why, i cant say its winter and seasonal depression or something....its still 80 here every day and granted its been windy...its hawaii. i can deal.
friday is first friday and saturday we are having a beach party here. i cant wait. its going to be a good weekend and i need it, even though this week seems to be flying by.
okay, i really need to get to bed. my eyes are heavy and Levon just came on my playlist. i love falling asleep to elton john.