If You Wrote Your Autobiography, Would Anyone Want to Read It?
So, today while I was in the middle of doing a load of laundry that desperately needed to get done I realized how insanely dull my life is. It's monotonous. Increadibly and almost painfully monotonous and scarily dull. Literally every week has become a repeat of the week before it. It sounds silly to say, but I feel almost as if I've become trapped in some sort of time-warp or in some cheap, dollar-store novel. And if this is what being an adult is and feels like, I defenately don't want it. I know that I'm the only one that can change my life so that it's not so monotonous and dull and whatever. But, for whatever reason, I almost feel that this is something beyond my power. Like I'm just wasting away. And, I realized, (and this, for some reason scared the hell out of me) that, aside from a few episodes in my past, I have, in fact, live the white-middle-class-suburban life, almost to it's fullest extent. I feel un-unique, like a cookie-cutter mold of a human being in this country. I mean, seriously, what is my life? School, and hanging out with friends, usually playing games and/or watching movies or something along those lines. And I'm not saying I hate those things, because I obviously don't. (if I did, I wouldn't do them). Those things make me happy to some extent. But my life seems to have lost any sort of adventure it once had. And I started to really think about that and, well, I don't think it ever had any [sense of adventure]. But as a child you have that sort of feeling that life is one big adventure and that every thing you do, every day you live is full of little adventures that make-up the big scheme of things. But then you grow-up and you lose that. Literally. I want more. I want real adventure. Not that I want to start jumping out of planes or anything like that. But I want to feel like I'm living, instead of this. A feeling of just going day to day, but not really experiancing any of it. Like I'm doing time inside a grapevine, to steal a phrase. I feel mechanical, almost. And it's not that I hate my life. I just, I don't know, feel like I'm wasting time until I die. (not meaning that my life doesn't have a purpose or that I'm lost in life). I feel like I want to rule the world, but will never be able to gain that kind of power. I guess, the truth of the matter is, I don't know what I want out of life (not that I don't know what my purpose in life is). But I know whatever it is, it isn't this. These saccrine sweet days of un-wonder. (And that doesn't mean I'm going to drop out of school to go "find myself" or anything like that).
I know I'm unique, but so is everyone else I know...and I think that kind of makes us all un-unique...