in so much emotional pain right now.
emtionally. i'm so drained right now.
today. i spent the ENTIRE day looking for colleges with lauren. we looked finacially... what we want to major in... what sports we want to play.... as far as scholarships and financial aid... location... how many hours from home... all of it. ALL OF IT. i sat ALL day and REALLY thought about every OPTION. went through LISTS and LISTS of schools. TRIED sooooooooooooooooooooo hard to find GOOD schools- close to home. close enough to come home yet that fit my profile.
and all of it was for nothing
or at least i feel that way.
i waited ALL night to talk to my mom about it.
i let her watch her movie first
then i sat there as she talked on the phone for 2 hours.
and then finally she was done.
i made johanna leave the room.
i turned off the tv.
i had all my sheets together ready to look at them with her. have her ask me questions.
TOGETHER generate a top 5 list.
but no.
i told her the schools. the farthest being SUNY Oswego. (which is argumentatively so) or Le Moyne. and it was like she didn't even listen to me. she turned around right away and began to get up and walk around and do stuff as she continuously guilt tripped me. saying how "what if i got sick, what if i got hurt in one of my games" and saying "i'm a family oriented person and i'm going to go away and leave my family here and be there ALL ALONE (stressing all alone) with a bunch of kids." and i said to her "do you hear yourself? i'm going to be a dorm room at a school with teachers and other advisors... its not like i'm living on the street'" and after continuous ranting about how i'm going to have to pay for all this and going to be on my own and whatever she turned around and said the most hurtful line i think ihave EVER heard come out of my mother's mouth.
she said:
"you make whatever decision you want to make and daddy and i will have to understand. and in 4 years, whatever financial state we are in, daddy and i will try to help you with the tuition."
she said it so cold.
stilll futzing around with whatever she was doing.
and i started to cry.
and she turned around and said to me
"i dont understand why you're crying"
and got mad at me when i said, well- thanks ma, i'm going to bed, goodnight.
i came upstairs and cried for an hour. i cried until my head hurt so much that i couldn't cry any more. and then i came on the computer and she was downstairs on the other computer-- therefore she was asking me why i got upset and how i didn't listen to her. and how it wasn't fair because she is in my corner.
telling me to do what i want and she'll "understand" is not being in my corner.
i mean i was TORN APART when my guidance councler didnt even care about the colleges that i was looking at and my mom said to me you can do whatever you set your heart on and i'll back you up. i was so into that. i really believed her. and all the researchign i did to look for such great colleges.. she like SHOT it down. and i dont want to be like jonathan and tim... living at home at 23... with no friends from college... no career decision... and a medicore job. i dont want that.. i've worked WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to hard in school to do that. i've been too good of a kid for my ENTIRE life to do taht. i've worked hard in my sports and stuck to EVERYTHING becausei have a dream to go to a Good college where i'll meet people and make memories and enjoy myself. i dont want to be chained to my family.
dont get me wrong. i love them. i love my mom a lot.
but when she gave me that answer.
i have never been hurt so bad.
it was like it is another decision i have to make on my own and another thing that i am going to suffer the conseqneces on my own... by myself.... i 'm ALL for being independent.... i have been-- MY ENTIRE LIFE... and i'll do it now if i have to... but i just thought that my mom was going to be behind me--- even if she didn't want me to go away to school- i thought that maybe she might sit down and look at the really great schools i found and maybe look into them a little bit more and rather then right away yelling at me that i dont know what i'm doing--- reason with me why.
i hate this.
i really do.
i want to take extremes right now.
i eiter want to say- fuck it... and go to nassau.
or i want to run as far as i can---- and apply to berkley, pepperdine, UCDavis and UCLA
sigh.
i need direction.
i need help.
i need to CRY for hours.
i miss christian.
i want to talk to Santana about this.
i want to die right now.
i really want to die.
i dont want to make another decision again.
i want to explode.
i need to go to bed.
i cannot take this.
i need some sleep so hopefully i wont feel this way in the morning.
goodnight never never land.
today. i spent the ENTIRE day looking for colleges with lauren. we looked finacially... what we want to major in... what sports we want to play.... as far as scholarships and financial aid... location... how many hours from home... all of it. ALL OF IT. i sat ALL day and REALLY thought about every OPTION. went through LISTS and LISTS of schools. TRIED sooooooooooooooooooooo hard to find GOOD schools- close to home. close enough to come home yet that fit my profile.
and all of it was for nothing
or at least i feel that way.
i waited ALL night to talk to my mom about it.
i let her watch her movie first
then i sat there as she talked on the phone for 2 hours.
and then finally she was done.
i made johanna leave the room.
i turned off the tv.
i had all my sheets together ready to look at them with her. have her ask me questions.
TOGETHER generate a top 5 list.
but no.
i told her the schools. the farthest being SUNY Oswego. (which is argumentatively so) or Le Moyne. and it was like she didn't even listen to me. she turned around right away and began to get up and walk around and do stuff as she continuously guilt tripped me. saying how "what if i got sick, what if i got hurt in one of my games" and saying "i'm a family oriented person and i'm going to go away and leave my family here and be there ALL ALONE (stressing all alone) with a bunch of kids." and i said to her "do you hear yourself? i'm going to be a dorm room at a school with teachers and other advisors... its not like i'm living on the street'" and after continuous ranting about how i'm going to have to pay for all this and going to be on my own and whatever she turned around and said the most hurtful line i think ihave EVER heard come out of my mother's mouth.
she said:
"you make whatever decision you want to make and daddy and i will have to understand. and in 4 years, whatever financial state we are in, daddy and i will try to help you with the tuition."
she said it so cold.
stilll futzing around with whatever she was doing.
and i started to cry.
and she turned around and said to me
"i dont understand why you're crying"
and got mad at me when i said, well- thanks ma, i'm going to bed, goodnight.
i came upstairs and cried for an hour. i cried until my head hurt so much that i couldn't cry any more. and then i came on the computer and she was downstairs on the other computer-- therefore she was asking me why i got upset and how i didn't listen to her. and how it wasn't fair because she is in my corner.
telling me to do what i want and she'll "understand" is not being in my corner.
i mean i was TORN APART when my guidance councler didnt even care about the colleges that i was looking at and my mom said to me you can do whatever you set your heart on and i'll back you up. i was so into that. i really believed her. and all the researchign i did to look for such great colleges.. she like SHOT it down. and i dont want to be like jonathan and tim... living at home at 23... with no friends from college... no career decision... and a medicore job. i dont want that.. i've worked WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to hard in school to do that. i've been too good of a kid for my ENTIRE life to do taht. i've worked hard in my sports and stuck to EVERYTHING becausei have a dream to go to a Good college where i'll meet people and make memories and enjoy myself. i dont want to be chained to my family.
dont get me wrong. i love them. i love my mom a lot.
but when she gave me that answer.
i have never been hurt so bad.
it was like it is another decision i have to make on my own and another thing that i am going to suffer the conseqneces on my own... by myself.... i 'm ALL for being independent.... i have been-- MY ENTIRE LIFE... and i'll do it now if i have to... but i just thought that my mom was going to be behind me--- even if she didn't want me to go away to school- i thought that maybe she might sit down and look at the really great schools i found and maybe look into them a little bit more and rather then right away yelling at me that i dont know what i'm doing--- reason with me why.
i hate this.
i really do.
i want to take extremes right now.
i eiter want to say- fuck it... and go to nassau.
or i want to run as far as i can---- and apply to berkley, pepperdine, UCDavis and UCLA
sigh.
i need direction.
i need help.
i need to CRY for hours.
i miss christian.
i want to talk to Santana about this.
i want to die right now.
i really want to die.
i dont want to make another decision again.
i want to explode.
i need to go to bed.
i cannot take this.
i need some sleep so hopefully i wont feel this way in the morning.
goodnight never never land.