today was.... well, read it....
i'm listening to staind.
i'm in a real staind mood. the old cd. particularly "its been a while".
i've had soooooooooooo many different "moods" today it is really unberlieveable...
to begin this entry (warning you, going to be long- i have a lot to say tonight.) i'd like to put the lyrics to this song and explain why i'm feeling them right now...
"It's Been A While"
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
WHY MUST I FEEL THIS WAY!?
JUST MAKE THIS GO AWAY
JUST ONE MORE PEACEFUL DAY!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
- staind
well. staind has always reminded me of christian. maybe because maybe at one point in time (about 2 years ago, aroudn when him and i first started going out) for the first time he sang "so far away" to me and it was the cutest thing that made me cry and i'll never forget it. the band's lyrics always have gotten to me. but i started singing it in the blue tonight--- well, it was invoked, but still.
a little background- christian is in Italy. About a month before he left, we began to get close again after the 2nd breakup the both of us endured. About 2 weeks before he left we had a huge blowout that was envoked because i met someone and rather threw it in his face that i did (side note, that never went beyond that night). About 1 week before he left we had another blowout in which i talked in circles and wound up getting no where. For about a week until the night before he left, we were OKAY. i thought we were fine. i talked to him periodically throughout the day and i thought he was satsified. The day before he left, i found out rather quickly that it wasn't going to work that way. I was slightly upset that he wanted to bring this up before he went away, but i guess it was alright. We had our argument-- well i can't say it was an argument, it was a rather in depth chat about our relationship and how it can and cannot be. he and i both said some things that were heart wrenching. after a long talk, we came up to the final conlcusion that we're going to be friends... and "friendly".. but we should both be moving on and not talking with intentions that we waiting for the moment to get back together again.
well now. i made a lot of confessions to him. i told him that the reason why i'm like "oh christian... i <3 you" and then next day, a little secluded... is because i love him-- i can't stop loving him-- and yet, i dont want him. it sounds more selfish than it is. I can't have him right now. And sometimes i halfway convince myself that he's not for me. Theres too many problems. My father- for one. He's not a bad guy- and neither is christian, but Christian isn't the most sociable, and my dad loves when people are sociable and hates when they're not. Therefore, Christian is set on that my dad hates him, and my dad--- hates him (not really, just the satrical line sounded good in my head). But then i think, i still love him. then i think "why must i feel this way, just make this go away, just one more peaceful day". another problem is our age difference, its nto much- it really isn't and yet, it is. I'm going away to college and i'm not so sure it would work for either of us if so. I mean i think about it and know how much both of us love eachother and my heart tells me that it could happen, but my mind tells me its just not logical. the last big barrier is the fact taht i'm a hermit. i mean thats putting it a little harsh but i honestly dont really ever go out. its not that i dont enjoy going out- lately i've had plenty of things to accomplish at night- between work and other mishaps that i've found myself busied with. but i mean, my parents aren't one to let me go out every night (which i'm convinced will change once i turn 17, its changing already (you'll see toward the end of the entry)). those are the 3 major things. other than that, our love is like a diamond. i mean it sound so made for tv and so set up and such talk if i say we're so in love with eacohter. but if you saw the way he looks at me. and the way i look at him. and the way i feel with him. the way i'm able to be who i am. the way that i am comfortable in my own skin. i only pray that everyone feels the way i do with him. its unbelieveable how its so not even a physical attraction (even tho thats there too) its just so brillant. so true. "its been a while since i saw the way the candles light your face... but i can still remember just the way you taste..."... sigh these lyrics hurt a bit....
so yeah. He's in italy now and i already miss him. i can't call or text him or whatever else i have the urge to do-- and even if i could, i can't anymore. i cannot talk to him in the overly flirtacious way that i used to and say "oh man i miss you"... and i would probably say taht right now.... but, the only difference is that i have never felt it as much as i do now. he really is my best friend. and i genuinely enjoy talking to him, online, on the phone, seeing him... its so depressing to me that i can't just see him and hug him and fix everything. althought right now the other side of me is tugging and saying- but jaclyn... what about a blue eyed boy thats sporty.... but what about the problems... but what about the way you know things will be.... oh man it just hurts so much to think about and toss in my head, but i just cannot get it out of my head.
enough about Christian.
i got up this morning and showered and drove myself to school. it was exciting to drive alone... i guess you can say it is the first time i have ever done it-- other then around the block... it was exciting to be able to sing and drive around to whereever i want--- new chapter in my life.
but before i wetn there and go into that story of going to school. the rather hysterical new invigorating fact is that i got denied my senior privledges. its just such a joke. at first i was furious... i was denied them because i have too many absences. i cannot wait to go into (the letter said "see trombetta" when trombetta left 2 years ago) ms. murray's office and say listen-- you wanna see doctor's notes. although i was out for 4 days --- 2 of which i was in jamaica and the other 2 of which i was in florida--- the other how ever many absences was either from--- being in the hospital. MRIs. Physical therapy. orthopedics. Chriopractics. the Flu. and other injuries or sicknesses. plus, its not like i failed out of the classes that i had a lot of absences in... in spanish i had 98s all year and got a 95 on the rengents.. dobias i had 90s all year and got a 4 on her AP... and Math i had 90s all year and i forget what i got on the final... so f- that... plus x 2, if they really can look at my grades and the fact that i'm involved in 6 other annual extra-cirruclar activies and still not give me my senior privledges, i'll be extremely baffled- and then--- and only then--- i'll take it like a man, swallow my invisible balls and walk out without my senior privledges....
so yeah, i've been talking to Santana online all summer long and he had asked what i was doing today to see if i could come in and help him file some stuff. i had nothing to do and it was a great opportunity to get off my lazy ass and do something. plus, i got to drive there. i walked into the office and stancco was there-- lopresti and guzzardo wound up coming in too---. It was great to be there. Santana was just the way i rememeber him. ahha... its not liek its been THAT long, but it feels a lot longer than its been. He had plenty of stories to tell. Actually- he told me A LOT of stories. A lot of personal shit (nothing gross dont be stupid) that was rather interesting to think about. i feel good about myself that i was that respected and he had that my trust and faith in me that i wouldn't tell anyone. and i wont, take that shit to the grave. He told me all sorts of great things that continuously woe me. i look up to him so much. Yet, listening to all these great stories i seemed to belittle myself. I know he's much older than me, but i wish i accomplish and experience only half of what he has. It got me excited and yet depressed that i had no good stories to share about my past or better yet-- my summer. i began to reflect on my summer and hwo much i wished that michelle would have stayed longer. its not bad right now- but i'm not doing anything exciting at all. idk... i guess there will be better summers a head of me. but yeah, back to Santana. We got absolutely nothings accomplished, yet so much done. ahha.. i'm all for the paradoxial statements tonight it seems. But its true.. sort of... we didn't get any filing done--- we talked about it --- but we were able to just sit and talk for hourrrssss... before i knew it it was 3 oclock and he had to go home to his wife and "the kid". ahhh justin's beauitful (he's getting big, i got to see pictures).
so yeah i went to taco bell and then came home and ate another hamburger. i had a wicked headache and layed around for a bit. Then i decided i was going to put on a movie and relax my head/sinuses/watery eyes for a bit. i put on hitch. i absolutely loved it... well i didnt' love it so much to say ti was an all time favorite... but it is definitely up there with my favorite emo relationship movies... some great lines that i absolutely love.
atfter dad left for work i waited a bit and then propsed the question to ma that i go get ralphs. she, surprisingly told me that i had the car until it was dark... with as all of an hour- but i was excited at the least-- i was talking online to nora and told her i'd pick her up to talk for a bit and catch up while we had a little time. i got to drive the vette by myself-- funny shit when that stearing is so tight and you're trying to make a 3 pt turn on a dead end. oh well... i got through it.. had fun... drove cool calm and collected... fun stuff.
learned that she's talking to nick. still so completelyhead other heals for him its a little upsetting because i dont want him to do the same thing to her again.. but i could totally say that for christian and i's relationship too so itmakes no difference for me to even think that... she's talk to teresa again after she got mad after noa f-ked her brother. sigh. gross. thats good that they're talking again.
afterwards i came home and did the whole itinerary with michelle for the cruise. i'm so excited to go.... free drinks... daaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... plenty of amazing memories gunna be happening therrrrrrrrrrre... cannot wait...
ummm then i worked for a bit.
then talked to lauren.
schedule as for tomorrow; August 17th... (dahh its past 12). getting up around 9:30-- small breakfast... driving over to hendrickson to go running with lauren (i'm such a loser that i told her not to pick me up so that i can have another opportunity to drive somewhere, dork). then we're going to come home and get our respective siblings dressed and she's going to come here with her brothers and we'll throw the kiddies in the pool (probably ourselves too) and then we plan to really sit down and look at colleges and then come up with a plan of where we are going to go for the last 2 weeks of summer that i have until i go on vacation and then school starts...
whoa we're procrastinating this one a bit?
very bad.
very bad thing to procrastinate.
i'm not that worried about seeing colleges tho. i have no idea why i couldnt care less... but its recommended all the same... therefore i must engage.
all my babling-- singing-- being upset--- reminicing and regretting has brought me to the point where it is 1:15 (at which i wanted to go to bed at 1 AM) and i didn't do any of my english project. i really want to finish it this week, but i wont finish it if i keep looking at it and then not doign it... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--- well .... 2morrow i'll be able to do that and maybe get a little more accomplished.
umm i just wanted to add these lyrics into this message too.. its another part that he always used to quote--- its in the song "epiphany"---
"So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause i can't take anymore
of this, I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart"
its really crazy that i still adore this boy this much.
i really hope that the way i need to go with this situation will be revealed to me in the time period that he is away.
i can only hope- pray- and believe it will.
oh man.
loong enough?
goodnight never never land.
i'm in a real staind mood. the old cd. particularly "its been a while".
i've had soooooooooooo many different "moods" today it is really unberlieveable...
to begin this entry (warning you, going to be long- i have a lot to say tonight.) i'd like to put the lyrics to this song and explain why i'm feeling them right now...
"It's Been A While"
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
WHY MUST I FEEL THIS WAY!?
JUST MAKE THIS GO AWAY
JUST ONE MORE PEACEFUL DAY!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
- staind
well. staind has always reminded me of christian. maybe because maybe at one point in time (about 2 years ago, aroudn when him and i first started going out) for the first time he sang "so far away" to me and it was the cutest thing that made me cry and i'll never forget it. the band's lyrics always have gotten to me. but i started singing it in the blue tonight--- well, it was invoked, but still.
a little background- christian is in Italy. About a month before he left, we began to get close again after the 2nd breakup the both of us endured. About 2 weeks before he left we had a huge blowout that was envoked because i met someone and rather threw it in his face that i did (side note, that never went beyond that night). About 1 week before he left we had another blowout in which i talked in circles and wound up getting no where. For about a week until the night before he left, we were OKAY. i thought we were fine. i talked to him periodically throughout the day and i thought he was satsified. The day before he left, i found out rather quickly that it wasn't going to work that way. I was slightly upset that he wanted to bring this up before he went away, but i guess it was alright. We had our argument-- well i can't say it was an argument, it was a rather in depth chat about our relationship and how it can and cannot be. he and i both said some things that were heart wrenching. after a long talk, we came up to the final conlcusion that we're going to be friends... and "friendly".. but we should both be moving on and not talking with intentions that we waiting for the moment to get back together again.
well now. i made a lot of confessions to him. i told him that the reason why i'm like "oh christian... i <3 you" and then next day, a little secluded... is because i love him-- i can't stop loving him-- and yet, i dont want him. it sounds more selfish than it is. I can't have him right now. And sometimes i halfway convince myself that he's not for me. Theres too many problems. My father- for one. He's not a bad guy- and neither is christian, but Christian isn't the most sociable, and my dad loves when people are sociable and hates when they're not. Therefore, Christian is set on that my dad hates him, and my dad--- hates him (not really, just the satrical line sounded good in my head). But then i think, i still love him. then i think "why must i feel this way, just make this go away, just one more peaceful day". another problem is our age difference, its nto much- it really isn't and yet, it is. I'm going away to college and i'm not so sure it would work for either of us if so. I mean i think about it and know how much both of us love eachother and my heart tells me that it could happen, but my mind tells me its just not logical. the last big barrier is the fact taht i'm a hermit. i mean thats putting it a little harsh but i honestly dont really ever go out. its not that i dont enjoy going out- lately i've had plenty of things to accomplish at night- between work and other mishaps that i've found myself busied with. but i mean, my parents aren't one to let me go out every night (which i'm convinced will change once i turn 17, its changing already (you'll see toward the end of the entry)). those are the 3 major things. other than that, our love is like a diamond. i mean it sound so made for tv and so set up and such talk if i say we're so in love with eacohter. but if you saw the way he looks at me. and the way i look at him. and the way i feel with him. the way i'm able to be who i am. the way that i am comfortable in my own skin. i only pray that everyone feels the way i do with him. its unbelieveable how its so not even a physical attraction (even tho thats there too) its just so brillant. so true. "its been a while since i saw the way the candles light your face... but i can still remember just the way you taste..."... sigh these lyrics hurt a bit....
so yeah. He's in italy now and i already miss him. i can't call or text him or whatever else i have the urge to do-- and even if i could, i can't anymore. i cannot talk to him in the overly flirtacious way that i used to and say "oh man i miss you"... and i would probably say taht right now.... but, the only difference is that i have never felt it as much as i do now. he really is my best friend. and i genuinely enjoy talking to him, online, on the phone, seeing him... its so depressing to me that i can't just see him and hug him and fix everything. althought right now the other side of me is tugging and saying- but jaclyn... what about a blue eyed boy thats sporty.... but what about the problems... but what about the way you know things will be.... oh man it just hurts so much to think about and toss in my head, but i just cannot get it out of my head.
enough about Christian.
i got up this morning and showered and drove myself to school. it was exciting to drive alone... i guess you can say it is the first time i have ever done it-- other then around the block... it was exciting to be able to sing and drive around to whereever i want--- new chapter in my life.
but before i wetn there and go into that story of going to school. the rather hysterical new invigorating fact is that i got denied my senior privledges. its just such a joke. at first i was furious... i was denied them because i have too many absences. i cannot wait to go into (the letter said "see trombetta" when trombetta left 2 years ago) ms. murray's office and say listen-- you wanna see doctor's notes. although i was out for 4 days --- 2 of which i was in jamaica and the other 2 of which i was in florida--- the other how ever many absences was either from--- being in the hospital. MRIs. Physical therapy. orthopedics. Chriopractics. the Flu. and other injuries or sicknesses. plus, its not like i failed out of the classes that i had a lot of absences in... in spanish i had 98s all year and got a 95 on the rengents.. dobias i had 90s all year and got a 4 on her AP... and Math i had 90s all year and i forget what i got on the final... so f- that... plus x 2, if they really can look at my grades and the fact that i'm involved in 6 other annual extra-cirruclar activies and still not give me my senior privledges, i'll be extremely baffled- and then--- and only then--- i'll take it like a man, swallow my invisible balls and walk out without my senior privledges....
so yeah, i've been talking to Santana online all summer long and he had asked what i was doing today to see if i could come in and help him file some stuff. i had nothing to do and it was a great opportunity to get off my lazy ass and do something. plus, i got to drive there. i walked into the office and stancco was there-- lopresti and guzzardo wound up coming in too---. It was great to be there. Santana was just the way i rememeber him. ahha... its not liek its been THAT long, but it feels a lot longer than its been. He had plenty of stories to tell. Actually- he told me A LOT of stories. A lot of personal shit (nothing gross dont be stupid) that was rather interesting to think about. i feel good about myself that i was that respected and he had that my trust and faith in me that i wouldn't tell anyone. and i wont, take that shit to the grave. He told me all sorts of great things that continuously woe me. i look up to him so much. Yet, listening to all these great stories i seemed to belittle myself. I know he's much older than me, but i wish i accomplish and experience only half of what he has. It got me excited and yet depressed that i had no good stories to share about my past or better yet-- my summer. i began to reflect on my summer and hwo much i wished that michelle would have stayed longer. its not bad right now- but i'm not doing anything exciting at all. idk... i guess there will be better summers a head of me. but yeah, back to Santana. We got absolutely nothings accomplished, yet so much done. ahha.. i'm all for the paradoxial statements tonight it seems. But its true.. sort of... we didn't get any filing done--- we talked about it --- but we were able to just sit and talk for hourrrssss... before i knew it it was 3 oclock and he had to go home to his wife and "the kid". ahhh justin's beauitful (he's getting big, i got to see pictures).
so yeah i went to taco bell and then came home and ate another hamburger. i had a wicked headache and layed around for a bit. Then i decided i was going to put on a movie and relax my head/sinuses/watery eyes for a bit. i put on hitch. i absolutely loved it... well i didnt' love it so much to say ti was an all time favorite... but it is definitely up there with my favorite emo relationship movies... some great lines that i absolutely love.
atfter dad left for work i waited a bit and then propsed the question to ma that i go get ralphs. she, surprisingly told me that i had the car until it was dark... with as all of an hour- but i was excited at the least-- i was talking online to nora and told her i'd pick her up to talk for a bit and catch up while we had a little time. i got to drive the vette by myself-- funny shit when that stearing is so tight and you're trying to make a 3 pt turn on a dead end. oh well... i got through it.. had fun... drove cool calm and collected... fun stuff.
learned that she's talking to nick. still so completelyhead other heals for him its a little upsetting because i dont want him to do the same thing to her again.. but i could totally say that for christian and i's relationship too so itmakes no difference for me to even think that... she's talk to teresa again after she got mad after noa f-ked her brother. sigh. gross. thats good that they're talking again.
afterwards i came home and did the whole itinerary with michelle for the cruise. i'm so excited to go.... free drinks... daaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... plenty of amazing memories gunna be happening therrrrrrrrrrre... cannot wait...
ummm then i worked for a bit.
then talked to lauren.
schedule as for tomorrow; August 17th... (dahh its past 12). getting up around 9:30-- small breakfast... driving over to hendrickson to go running with lauren (i'm such a loser that i told her not to pick me up so that i can have another opportunity to drive somewhere, dork). then we're going to come home and get our respective siblings dressed and she's going to come here with her brothers and we'll throw the kiddies in the pool (probably ourselves too) and then we plan to really sit down and look at colleges and then come up with a plan of where we are going to go for the last 2 weeks of summer that i have until i go on vacation and then school starts...
whoa we're procrastinating this one a bit?
very bad.
very bad thing to procrastinate.
i'm not that worried about seeing colleges tho. i have no idea why i couldnt care less... but its recommended all the same... therefore i must engage.
all my babling-- singing-- being upset--- reminicing and regretting has brought me to the point where it is 1:15 (at which i wanted to go to bed at 1 AM) and i didn't do any of my english project. i really want to finish it this week, but i wont finish it if i keep looking at it and then not doign it... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--- well .... 2morrow i'll be able to do that and maybe get a little more accomplished.
umm i just wanted to add these lyrics into this message too.. its another part that he always used to quote--- its in the song "epiphany"---
"So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause i can't take anymore
of this, I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart"
its really crazy that i still adore this boy this much.
i really hope that the way i need to go with this situation will be revealed to me in the time period that he is away.
i can only hope- pray- and believe it will.
oh man.
loong enough?
goodnight never never land.