(no subject)
well....my world ended today...
i have been confused and battered for the last two days wondering why i deserve this punishment....its happening to me again....im being thrown away without any explanation why...i wish people had some decency....i wish ppl had enough concience to tell somebody if u dont love them anymore...then at least tell them why...i believe ppl deserve to know thses things...when u dedicate 3 years of ur life to somebody it shouldnt go out with out a word......or if it was more than a word..it was nothing much....
i know ive done some terrible things.....and im paying for it...maybe this is my punishment...maybe i am too late....but after everything that i have gone through...i still believe that u cant quit...that u have to fight...and that u have to fight for what u believe in..no matter what it is.....so u all can hate me if u want...most of u do anyways....or at least to some ppl im a psycho and everybody hates me....so i ask u now then....what do i do.......what would make everybody else happy?.....
i ask this because i have never cared what ppl thought about me...and ive never cared if ppl talk bout me or not.....and it has goten me nowhere...i have become a changed man...and i believe it came too late for some ppl...but i cant undo what has been done.....
and i guess it all comes down to a movie quote......if u ever get a chance to watch it...plz do..its called AMERICAN HISTORY X...its a story of a boy whos dad was a racist and he was murded because he was a racist cop.....and his 2 boys joined with nazi groups for hatred of black ppl.......
but at the end when the guy is in prison and his councleor asks him.......has anything that u have done made your life better?.......i see that it means alot to me.......because i look at my life as it is now...and im not happy at what ive turned it into....i hurt the one i love to the point where she doesnt love me anymore...even after she said she would always love me.......no matter what.....well "no matter what" was tested and i guess i failed..........i still dont know what i did to make her call it quits...but i do know what ive done to get to this point...
some of you know...and some of you dont.....but i was called a low life today.......and maybe i am....but i wish i had a piece of mind...a little knowledge of what fucked it up for good....i have nobody now.....danica was my everything.....u will know this is true because when im not with her...what am i doing...nothing...so yes....i either have to start over my life or end it.....its my only two choices..i dont have much to go by......ive never had to do this because i have never loved somebody to the point to where i have nothing else when shes gone....so i dont know what im gonna do..
if ppl readin this....thinks im sad and pathetic....well guess what...i agree with u...and u can kiss my ass......because u have no right to say anything until u have endured what i have.....
and this is to the one i still love but cant return it..
i am sorry for what ive done to u..
for everything that i have put u through...and im sorry for ruining ur life...i never wanted for this to happen...i never would have imagined that i could have had something so great...i never thought i could have a person like you to care for me and love me like u did....and i didnt even see it..i never saw that u would have been the person who would have made my life the best..and the happiest.......i am sorry for hurting u emotionally......and physically if i ever i did....
and most importantly...i am sorry for meeting u soo young.....u were 13 when i met u and u fell in love with me.....it burns at me inside that i never let u grow up and experiance things like i should have...because as you said.....i have been your whole life...and i dont deserve that....i feel like i didnt deserve u.....and u were too good to be true.....i fucked it up babe.....its my fault...everybody knows it.....so all i want to say to u is im sorry...im sorry for everything......and im sorry for what im doing to you now...i am guessing that it hurts for u to talk to me anymore...and it hurts me too...because i know that u have nothing for me.....i guess i cant make up for what anything that ive done...but if this is it...i want one thing from u......forgiveness and understanding.....thats all i can ask for....trying to get u to love me again has failed...and its been making things worse...i dont what i was should have done...i dont know if i should have just let u go 2 months ago.but i remember u tellin me that u were happy that i was trying my best...and that i fought for u and made u want to try....but all i know is that u dont love me now...but i always will....i may have changed u into a person that doesnt care and doesnt feel bad for not keeping her word....but u can believe me when i say this...everything i have felt for u.....and what i feel now....is not a lie.....i can say that i will always have something for u...no matter what u do to me....i will always have that feeling in my heart...its called love.....and i never thought it was something that could have been lost so easily......
but now u know what is in the deepest of my soul.....i owe u everything...but plz try to be understanding and heed my call..i love u...dont ever forget...no matter what u think or what u do...dont ever forget the good times we had....i cherished them all....and i have a feeling u did too...u just forget them sometimes...and its ok...because i know better than anybody that nobodies perfect.....especially me....
and just to prove that i didnt forget...here are some dates of some of our memories..
*4-28-03
*11-9-2005
*7-13-1989...lol(dont even try not to laugh)
*11-14-04
so this is my piece of mind...i guess my venting for everything that has been happening.....
im wondering who will coment to this....or if somebody has the courage to comment...who knows..?
so if anybody wants to comment...go ahead.....say what u want.....
just everyone remember that u have to look back in life and wonder if anything that u have done in your life has made it any better.....dont make my mistake......if u have something worth having...dont throw it away like i did.......cherish it....
-HoDgiZ
i have been confused and battered for the last two days wondering why i deserve this punishment....its happening to me again....im being thrown away without any explanation why...i wish people had some decency....i wish ppl had enough concience to tell somebody if u dont love them anymore...then at least tell them why...i believe ppl deserve to know thses things...when u dedicate 3 years of ur life to somebody it shouldnt go out with out a word......or if it was more than a word..it was nothing much....
i know ive done some terrible things.....and im paying for it...maybe this is my punishment...maybe i am too late....but after everything that i have gone through...i still believe that u cant quit...that u have to fight...and that u have to fight for what u believe in..no matter what it is.....so u all can hate me if u want...most of u do anyways....or at least to some ppl im a psycho and everybody hates me....so i ask u now then....what do i do.......what would make everybody else happy?.....
i ask this because i have never cared what ppl thought about me...and ive never cared if ppl talk bout me or not.....and it has goten me nowhere...i have become a changed man...and i believe it came too late for some ppl...but i cant undo what has been done.....
and i guess it all comes down to a movie quote......if u ever get a chance to watch it...plz do..its called AMERICAN HISTORY X...its a story of a boy whos dad was a racist and he was murded because he was a racist cop.....and his 2 boys joined with nazi groups for hatred of black ppl.......
but at the end when the guy is in prison and his councleor asks him.......has anything that u have done made your life better?.......i see that it means alot to me.......because i look at my life as it is now...and im not happy at what ive turned it into....i hurt the one i love to the point where she doesnt love me anymore...even after she said she would always love me.......no matter what.....well "no matter what" was tested and i guess i failed..........i still dont know what i did to make her call it quits...but i do know what ive done to get to this point...
some of you know...and some of you dont.....but i was called a low life today.......and maybe i am....but i wish i had a piece of mind...a little knowledge of what fucked it up for good....i have nobody now.....danica was my everything.....u will know this is true because when im not with her...what am i doing...nothing...so yes....i either have to start over my life or end it.....its my only two choices..i dont have much to go by......ive never had to do this because i have never loved somebody to the point to where i have nothing else when shes gone....so i dont know what im gonna do..
if ppl readin this....thinks im sad and pathetic....well guess what...i agree with u...and u can kiss my ass......because u have no right to say anything until u have endured what i have.....
and this is to the one i still love but cant return it..
i am sorry for what ive done to u..
for everything that i have put u through...and im sorry for ruining ur life...i never wanted for this to happen...i never would have imagined that i could have had something so great...i never thought i could have a person like you to care for me and love me like u did....and i didnt even see it..i never saw that u would have been the person who would have made my life the best..and the happiest.......i am sorry for hurting u emotionally......and physically if i ever i did....
and most importantly...i am sorry for meeting u soo young.....u were 13 when i met u and u fell in love with me.....it burns at me inside that i never let u grow up and experiance things like i should have...because as you said.....i have been your whole life...and i dont deserve that....i feel like i didnt deserve u.....and u were too good to be true.....i fucked it up babe.....its my fault...everybody knows it.....so all i want to say to u is im sorry...im sorry for everything......and im sorry for what im doing to you now...i am guessing that it hurts for u to talk to me anymore...and it hurts me too...because i know that u have nothing for me.....i guess i cant make up for what anything that ive done...but if this is it...i want one thing from u......forgiveness and understanding.....thats all i can ask for....trying to get u to love me again has failed...and its been making things worse...i dont what i was should have done...i dont know if i should have just let u go 2 months ago.but i remember u tellin me that u were happy that i was trying my best...and that i fought for u and made u want to try....but all i know is that u dont love me now...but i always will....i may have changed u into a person that doesnt care and doesnt feel bad for not keeping her word....but u can believe me when i say this...everything i have felt for u.....and what i feel now....is not a lie.....i can say that i will always have something for u...no matter what u do to me....i will always have that feeling in my heart...its called love.....and i never thought it was something that could have been lost so easily......
but now u know what is in the deepest of my soul.....i owe u everything...but plz try to be understanding and heed my call..i love u...dont ever forget...no matter what u think or what u do...dont ever forget the good times we had....i cherished them all....and i have a feeling u did too...u just forget them sometimes...and its ok...because i know better than anybody that nobodies perfect.....especially me....
and just to prove that i didnt forget...here are some dates of some of our memories..
*4-28-03
*11-9-2005
*7-13-1989...lol(dont even try not to laugh)
*11-14-04
so this is my piece of mind...i guess my venting for everything that has been happening.....
im wondering who will coment to this....or if somebody has the courage to comment...who knows..?
so if anybody wants to comment...go ahead.....say what u want.....
just everyone remember that u have to look back in life and wonder if anything that u have done in your life has made it any better.....dont make my mistake......if u have something worth having...dont throw it away like i did.......cherish it....
-HoDgiZ