(no subject)
So today I cleaned out my email inbox (as opposed to my room, which is a total ridiculous mess) and deleted a crap-ton of emails. This originally was intended as way of finally deleting all the emails between Brandon and me. I don't know why it took me so long to get to it, I've gotten rid of the AIM conversations and the like already. I think it was a combination of sentimentality and simply forgetting they were there.
In the process of doing it, I was essentially throwing away a major part of our relationship and upon realizing that, it made me angry and upset. I'd given so much, done so much for what? Pixels. The opportunity for a real relationship was so stunted that when we were face to face, we didn't even know how to act. Was it okay to touch? To say, "I love you?" To use voices? Being that unsure about things like, things that are so important, so fundemental to a real, healthy relationship, should have been a big clue.
Relationships shouldn't be so easy to erase. Is there anything that he has given me that isn't so easily wiped away? There was never once a single letter, gift, anything to say "I am more then something on your hard-drive." I don't mean that physical things determine the validity of things like this, but there should be some sort of mark left behind, shouldn't there? My bed isn't sagging a little more from feeling his weight, my carpet a little more worn from his feet, my clothes don't have any trace of what was his scent, my handslipshairBODY don't have a touch to remember that was uniquely his because there wasn't one, not a single one that wasn't initiated by me.
I lied. There is one instance of tangibility, but it came way to late. It never had the luck to be something looked fondly upon. It will forever be something I want nothing to do with and can't ever get rid of. I found it again today. My mom should just throw it away.
I did so fucking much. I DID SO MUCH. I did so much that I wasn't ME anymore. I was who he saw me to be. Or at least, I tried to be. But trying to be the idealized form of yourself is impossible. This is probably a major reason why I was so unhappy all the time. Why my skin didn't feel right and I was afraid to be touched and risk being tornbrokendiscovered. Why I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. It became so bad that's I came to believe that's who I was, I didn't ever fit in, even with my closest, best friends, my family, with anyone, not even him.
And what did I get? Pixels.
When I love someone, I do as much as I can to make them happy. Is it so much to expect the same from the people who love you back? If someone really, truly loves you, they don't care about you acting cool, they want affection. They want your LOVE, not an IMAGE.
How dare he ever even hint that I didn't love him. I gave him my heart on a platter. I practically cut it up and served it to him. And he has the audacity to say that I can't love him. Like he has any idea what I felt. To make it seem like I am incapable of loving someone. I AM FUCKING FULL OF LOVE. I am not scared of it.
How dare he try and martyr himself up, make it seem like I was the one who did the heart-breaking? And how DARE HE TRY AND SPEAK TO ME AFTER ALL THE TERRIBLE CRUEL THINGS HE EVER SAID AND DID TO ME. How DARE he even pretend to love and care about me. He doesn't love me, he loves the idea of something I represent. He loves being Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower. He loves being the misunderstood one. The martyr. Too bad I understand him more than he liked to admit.
--------------
Sorry about that. This is probably too late, but I needed to spew this out. After this I am done. I am no longer angry/upset/anything about this. Or at least I will try to be. I think I was warranted one mean thing.
I miss Kris! I am much saner when he is around. Something about his hands and the way he touches me. I'm such a skittish thing sometimes. He needs not to be eaten by a Godzilla and come home from Japan.
I also miss Kimberly! I haven't had a good amount of time to hang out with her in a long time. The past couple times I've seen her, I've been grumpy, meaning I wasn't the best friend. Come back from London without being killed by Jack the Ripper!
I also miss Keith, but I just saw him! I'm happy he got a job though. That means he has money to visit me more often (hint).
Speaking of jobs, I got one! This means I will soon be able to get a car, huzzah!!
Oh I really do love my life. Honestly, I do.
In the process of doing it, I was essentially throwing away a major part of our relationship and upon realizing that, it made me angry and upset. I'd given so much, done so much for what? Pixels. The opportunity for a real relationship was so stunted that when we were face to face, we didn't even know how to act. Was it okay to touch? To say, "I love you?" To use voices? Being that unsure about things like, things that are so important, so fundemental to a real, healthy relationship, should have been a big clue.
Relationships shouldn't be so easy to erase. Is there anything that he has given me that isn't so easily wiped away? There was never once a single letter, gift, anything to say "I am more then something on your hard-drive." I don't mean that physical things determine the validity of things like this, but there should be some sort of mark left behind, shouldn't there? My bed isn't sagging a little more from feeling his weight, my carpet a little more worn from his feet, my clothes don't have any trace of what was his scent, my handslipshairBODY don't have a touch to remember that was uniquely his because there wasn't one, not a single one that wasn't initiated by me.
I lied. There is one instance of tangibility, but it came way to late. It never had the luck to be something looked fondly upon. It will forever be something I want nothing to do with and can't ever get rid of. I found it again today. My mom should just throw it away.
I did so fucking much. I DID SO MUCH. I did so much that I wasn't ME anymore. I was who he saw me to be. Or at least, I tried to be. But trying to be the idealized form of yourself is impossible. This is probably a major reason why I was so unhappy all the time. Why my skin didn't feel right and I was afraid to be touched and risk being tornbrokendiscovered. Why I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. It became so bad that's I came to believe that's who I was, I didn't ever fit in, even with my closest, best friends, my family, with anyone, not even him.
And what did I get? Pixels.
When I love someone, I do as much as I can to make them happy. Is it so much to expect the same from the people who love you back? If someone really, truly loves you, they don't care about you acting cool, they want affection. They want your LOVE, not an IMAGE.
How dare he ever even hint that I didn't love him. I gave him my heart on a platter. I practically cut it up and served it to him. And he has the audacity to say that I can't love him. Like he has any idea what I felt. To make it seem like I am incapable of loving someone. I AM FUCKING FULL OF LOVE. I am not scared of it.
How dare he try and martyr himself up, make it seem like I was the one who did the heart-breaking? And how DARE HE TRY AND SPEAK TO ME AFTER ALL THE TERRIBLE CRUEL THINGS HE EVER SAID AND DID TO ME. How DARE he even pretend to love and care about me. He doesn't love me, he loves the idea of something I represent. He loves being Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower. He loves being the misunderstood one. The martyr. Too bad I understand him more than he liked to admit.
--------------
Sorry about that. This is probably too late, but I needed to spew this out. After this I am done. I am no longer angry/upset/anything about this. Or at least I will try to be. I think I was warranted one mean thing.
I miss Kris! I am much saner when he is around. Something about his hands and the way he touches me. I'm such a skittish thing sometimes. He needs not to be eaten by a Godzilla and come home from Japan.
I also miss Kimberly! I haven't had a good amount of time to hang out with her in a long time. The past couple times I've seen her, I've been grumpy, meaning I wasn't the best friend. Come back from London without being killed by Jack the Ripper!
I also miss Keith, but I just saw him! I'm happy he got a job though. That means he has money to visit me more often (hint).
Speaking of jobs, I got one! This means I will soon be able to get a car, huzzah!!
Oh I really do love my life. Honestly, I do.