(no subject)
I went to a fake lesbian engagement party last night.
with Cat& Jackie, the engagees, Claire, their child, Samantha, Cheryl&Peter and a kid named Ian.
There was corned beef and stuff so that was cool.
But a lot of why I am the way I am was brought up.
Like I don't like being touched by someone I'm not super comfortable with. Or touch other people.
And the fact that though I am severely heterosexual when it comes to homosexual tendencies, I think sometimes I'm asexual.
I rarely masturbate.
I rarely find anything about anyone attractive enough to want to be with them.
And I rarely feel a need to have an opinion. On anything.
Its not that I was never shown love as a child.
Or that i'm homophobic.
I'm not really that horny, but when I am, I am pretty damn horny.
And I guess I'm just picky with my men? Either that or I just took what my mom said to heart.
'never settle. never.'
Its things about me that changed since I don't even know when.
During Our Town, I realized I might be asexual.
But the month before that I was with Brendan.
Not being touched started...
I don't know when.
Probably after I transfered into the new class with Jackie, Cat and Claire and saw how affectionate they are... and that, in some ways, it creeped me out.
And not masturbating as much happened probably sometime during the whole Albuquerque experience.
Not to mention my severe problem with liking people.
That was this year.
I just don't trust people. Nor do I feel the need to make them feel like I like them, even if I don't... at all.
I think its just shit built up.
And after talking to Devynn about all the shit... things I put in that blog on myspace... I realized that the things that caused me to have the opinions I do, whether positive or not, are JUST part of my childhood.
Shit that won't matter after June 9th.
And I need to get over it.
I need to come to terms.
Understand it, and then throw it away
I need to throw things away.
with Cat& Jackie, the engagees, Claire, their child, Samantha, Cheryl&Peter and a kid named Ian.
There was corned beef and stuff so that was cool.
But a lot of why I am the way I am was brought up.
Like I don't like being touched by someone I'm not super comfortable with. Or touch other people.
And the fact that though I am severely heterosexual when it comes to homosexual tendencies, I think sometimes I'm asexual.
I rarely masturbate.
I rarely find anything about anyone attractive enough to want to be with them.
And I rarely feel a need to have an opinion. On anything.
Its not that I was never shown love as a child.
Or that i'm homophobic.
I'm not really that horny, but when I am, I am pretty damn horny.
And I guess I'm just picky with my men? Either that or I just took what my mom said to heart.
'never settle. never.'
Its things about me that changed since I don't even know when.
During Our Town, I realized I might be asexual.
But the month before that I was with Brendan.
Not being touched started...
I don't know when.
Probably after I transfered into the new class with Jackie, Cat and Claire and saw how affectionate they are... and that, in some ways, it creeped me out.
And not masturbating as much happened probably sometime during the whole Albuquerque experience.
Not to mention my severe problem with liking people.
That was this year.
I just don't trust people. Nor do I feel the need to make them feel like I like them, even if I don't... at all.
I think its just shit built up.
And after talking to Devynn about all the shit... things I put in that blog on myspace... I realized that the things that caused me to have the opinions I do, whether positive or not, are JUST part of my childhood.
Shit that won't matter after June 9th.
And I need to get over it.
I need to come to terms.
Understand it, and then throw it away
I need to throw things away.