(no subject)
my god have my emotions been a roller coaster lately. as i'm certain is clear to the 3 remaining readers of this blog and my twitter stream, i've been having a hard time with my ex. feelings of betrayal, bitterness, sadness, needing space and hating when i have it. completely fucking irrational and pretty unhappy some of the time.
last night some of that came to a head and good thing it did. as usual, both parties were unaware of the feelings of the other and a small scene was made (fortunately, via text message) and caused some of the floodgates of communication to come unplugged and i don't even know if there will be positive results regarding the friendship i want so badly, but at least now we're both more aware of the problem. which was a frequent problem in our romantic relationship as well--"oh, i had no idea i wasn't satisfying your needs...for the last 2 years :/"
so i don't know if that's positive or not, yet, but it was definitely necessary and i feel better for having been through it. (ok, i fibbed, i haven't made it through yet--she told me what she thought, that much is true. i did write the long email about how i feel and how i hope things will go but i am sitting on it for the day to make sure it still says what i want it to say at the end of the day. just like i waited til the sober light of dawn to write it in the first place, rather than writing it from a painful, unhappy place last night. PS: thanks to my cat's 6:20am vomit session for having me up at dawn.)
but this post isn't actually about the past. it's about the future. sitting there last night, in search of every kind of distraction, i realized i need to change. not change my desires (to remain good friends with her; to remain open, loving, in touch with my emotions; to continue to be able to express what i think and feel as often as i want to those i care about), but change my actions.
i think the best parallel to my desires is a story my friend Raj told me once while we were stuck in 5mph traffic coming down from the mountain in colorado for several hours. i could talk for hours about Raj; i in fact have a man-crush on his brain, which is amazing (the brain, not the crush). but the story is simple and he is somewhat irrelevant to this post, so i will carry on to the story: it's about his parents, who had an arranged marriage, and in fact had barely met before they married. yet, he says, they have one of the healthiest relationships he knows of. not because they were or are perfect for one another. but because they chose to put effort into loving one another, and that effort has been tireless, but extremely effective. they did not fall in love. they actively made it so. and it works. and it is strong like titanium, their love. and i was and am fascinated by this phenomenon, as one who only falls into most things in his life (and, is generally pleased with how his life works as he surfs the currents of probability. pleased not to be choosing all the time, but going with the flow, and letting things work. because, everything works if you let it!)
so how is that parallel to anything except the curvature of my brain's myriad unexpected wanderings? well, i am deciding to dig myself out of this pit of despair and be happier. i tweeted that i'd decided to stop being sad and a wise friend said that emotions don't work like that and she's right. but what i can choose to do is be healthier--both in the emotions i choose to wallow in (choose joy!) and overall mental health, which i believe leads to more positive feelings. to this end:
not sure if you'll see a lot more of me here, or if i'll write in my private journal, or maybe work on a novel or my long-overdue trip journal from the desert. i just read a beautiful piece last night that made me want to write more (this one: http://robinsloan.com/last-beautiful . go read it! it's short and sweet and awesome.) and then i realized that it would be therapeutic. and i need active therapy--because it's none of her fault that i'm still hung up on her and unhappy about it. that's all me. and i have to cope, like a big boy. chase my joy and "live my dreams", as the tiny charm that gogolsbeloved sent me while i was on my first bike tour says. still good advice lo these 4 years later! (and probably 40 years in the future, it still will be good advice.) and it dovetails well with some serendipitous general-purpose advice (not particularly directed at me) just this morning from a friend that i made on that bike tour, on art, and doing it successfully: http://philintheblanks.com/blog/?p=546
so that's where i'm at. where are you, today?
last night some of that came to a head and good thing it did. as usual, both parties were unaware of the feelings of the other and a small scene was made (fortunately, via text message) and caused some of the floodgates of communication to come unplugged and i don't even know if there will be positive results regarding the friendship i want so badly, but at least now we're both more aware of the problem. which was a frequent problem in our romantic relationship as well--"oh, i had no idea i wasn't satisfying your needs...for the last 2 years :/"
so i don't know if that's positive or not, yet, but it was definitely necessary and i feel better for having been through it. (ok, i fibbed, i haven't made it through yet--she told me what she thought, that much is true. i did write the long email about how i feel and how i hope things will go but i am sitting on it for the day to make sure it still says what i want it to say at the end of the day. just like i waited til the sober light of dawn to write it in the first place, rather than writing it from a painful, unhappy place last night. PS: thanks to my cat's 6:20am vomit session for having me up at dawn.)
but this post isn't actually about the past. it's about the future. sitting there last night, in search of every kind of distraction, i realized i need to change. not change my desires (to remain good friends with her; to remain open, loving, in touch with my emotions; to continue to be able to express what i think and feel as often as i want to those i care about), but change my actions.
i think the best parallel to my desires is a story my friend Raj told me once while we were stuck in 5mph traffic coming down from the mountain in colorado for several hours. i could talk for hours about Raj; i in fact have a man-crush on his brain, which is amazing (the brain, not the crush). but the story is simple and he is somewhat irrelevant to this post, so i will carry on to the story: it's about his parents, who had an arranged marriage, and in fact had barely met before they married. yet, he says, they have one of the healthiest relationships he knows of. not because they were or are perfect for one another. but because they chose to put effort into loving one another, and that effort has been tireless, but extremely effective. they did not fall in love. they actively made it so. and it works. and it is strong like titanium, their love. and i was and am fascinated by this phenomenon, as one who only falls into most things in his life (and, is generally pleased with how his life works as he surfs the currents of probability. pleased not to be choosing all the time, but going with the flow, and letting things work. because, everything works if you let it!)
so how is that parallel to anything except the curvature of my brain's myriad unexpected wanderings? well, i am deciding to dig myself out of this pit of despair and be happier. i tweeted that i'd decided to stop being sad and a wise friend said that emotions don't work like that and she's right. but what i can choose to do is be healthier--both in the emotions i choose to wallow in (choose joy!) and overall mental health, which i believe leads to more positive feelings. to this end:
- i need to start going to yoga or doing aikido again (i'm thinking yoga, since it's easier to fit into my already overbooked schedule). healthy body sane mind, as some song buried in my playlist says (it's punk/ska...maybe the impossibles or less than jake? don't know and can't be bothered to figure it out just now)
- i need to meditate daily, at least on days that i don't have yoga. i only do it for 15 minutes or so but it definitely perks up my day and flushes some toxins out of the ol' brainstream.
- i need to write daily. catharsis via typewriter, check!
- i need to reread the 4 agreements. i don't actually love this book, but i was reminded of one of its lessons in particular the other day and i need to really accept and start living it: don't take anything personally. anything anyone else does is about them and their feelings and their opinions. act from your own feelings and then be responsible for the results.
- might need a lil camping trip, all alone and without technology or intoxicants, to do some deeper meditation and a little mental reset. i've found a likely hole in my schedule next week that i might attack. we'll see how i feel after doing some of the above in the interim!
not sure if you'll see a lot more of me here, or if i'll write in my private journal, or maybe work on a novel or my long-overdue trip journal from the desert. i just read a beautiful piece last night that made me want to write more (this one: http://robinsloan.com/last-beautiful . go read it! it's short and sweet and awesome.) and then i realized that it would be therapeutic. and i need active therapy--because it's none of her fault that i'm still hung up on her and unhappy about it. that's all me. and i have to cope, like a big boy. chase my joy and "live my dreams", as the tiny charm that gogolsbeloved sent me while i was on my first bike tour says. still good advice lo these 4 years later! (and probably 40 years in the future, it still will be good advice.) and it dovetails well with some serendipitous general-purpose advice (not particularly directed at me) just this morning from a friend that i made on that bike tour, on art, and doing it successfully: http://philintheblanks.com/blog/?p=546
so that's where i'm at. where are you, today?