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Jan 05, 2007 07:08

*She pushes through the closed velvet curtains and walks onto the stage of a dimly lit room filled with the odor of stale cigarettes and displaced dust. Round tables dot the small theater, each surrounded by four uninviting chairs and topped with an ashtray. Everything looks as if it hasn't been touched for years with the exception of a microphone laying near the edge of the stage. She picks it up and taps it to discover it's plugged in and turned on. She looks around and sees no one, and so she begins to recount the events that have occurred since her last visit to this humble spot.*

Wow- it's been a while.. I'm not even certain why, to be honest.. It appears the last time I was here, I was preparing for Jacob and my's trip to St. Augustine... So so very much has happened since then- why have I not come here to talk about it?.. To be honest, I remember composing a goodbye letter- one that mentioned my move to MySpace .. I'm sure you know the place.. But now I don't see that post.. I just see the post of a girl who was anxiously awaiting the words she had wanted to hear for as long as she could remember..

I did. I did hear those words. I had hoped to hear them and I did. With everything in my life, with all of my experiences, possessions, and accomplishments, contentment was never a truly obtainable state. What I wanted was only what I wanted when I didn't have it.. Once I got it, I realized, it wasn't that that I had truly wanted, but something else.. Something more.. Something better and harder to obtain.. And so I thought I wanted to hear those words, and I did.

And for the first time in my entire life, I am not anxious about taking the next step.. I am not thinking about houses or children. It's not "Mission Accomplished!" and on to the next check-box on my "Laundry List of Life Accomplishments". It's not as so many have ignorantly stated (and honestly, that I feared).. I was not simply on a mission for marriage and willing to take anyone.. I am honestly content.

The thought of buying a house is exciting.. but it's not a thought for right now.. The thought of having children is wonderful.. but it's not in our near future.. Right now, I am enjoying every single day for the day that it is- not for the days that it may lead to. I'm not looking to tomorrow to fill today's voids- I'm looking at today to prepare for tomorrow's coming.

(That's not to say that it's not stressful in the days leading up to a wedding.. It's far more involved than I really believed.. Preparing to plan a wedding is one thing- actually planning it is an entirely different story.. What I am saying is that when I feel stressed out and overwhelmed, I find joy in the fact that I am experiencing it and I know that one day, I will look back on this time as one of the greatest of my life.)

Hmm.. Other events that have taken place in the last 6 months.. I changed my major.. again.. I'm now a Special Ed major.. I also applied to and was accepted into USF's College of Ed.. I start my degree-oriented classes Monday..

I found out my dad's brother died.. Nice of my family to NOT INFORM me.. I found out from a stupid social security index website where I go every once in a while to make certain my dad's really dead.. "Dubry.. Dannie- yup, that's him.. ... ? ... wha?.. William Dubry- born three years prior to my father died last year.. Isn't that..? .. That's my uncle.." .. I didn't particularly like him.. He was an incestuous molester who always picked on my dad when they were little.. But I'll never forget the day in my dad's hospital room.. I was sitting in the chair, looking out the window and I heard someone walk into the room. I turned around and blinked in disbelief.. I would have bet my life that he were my father were it not for the fact that my dad was dying in a hospital bed next to me.. I was re-introduced to my uncle, a man I hadn't seen in a dozen years.. I wanted so badly to hug him- to use him to fill the void that I had never realized was in me.. If to do nothing more than look at him.. I needed him to be alive because I felt that as long as he was alive, my dad could be alive too, in him.. .. All of those family members have since been removed from my wedding invite list.

Anything else significant since this past summer..

I guess I'll provide details for the wedding.. It will be on 07/07/07 in Treasure Island, Florida at the Bilmar Beach Resort. The ceremony will be outside on the beach and the reception will be taking place in their beach bar. We are pretty sure dinner will be turkey/stuffing and sirloin.. It was going to be hamburger, hotdogs and grilled chicken but they upped the price of BBQ chicken considerably, so we figured, if we're paying the same price as the fancy stuff, we might as well go with it..

My dress will be here in a couple of days.. It looks like this:


My bridesmaid dresses look like this:


And the men will look something like this:


Ok, I've spent nearly 3 hours looking for that last picture of what the men will look like- I'm gunna go now.. Take care.
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