"she would"
i often think people are talking about me and i wonder what they're saying. i wonder if what they're saying is what i've been trying to prove to them. you know, that i don't take shit from anyone. but can they see that i'm lying? maybe it's just my superiority complex but i feel like people can't tell that i'm lying through my fucking teeth. i yell and scream and boast and despise because there's not much left after all of it. i am no one. i am nothing. nothing except the weak disguise of overconfidence.
but i want to be as real as people think i am. often my audacity and tactlessness is mistaken for being blunt or honest. well. to be honest, i think it's a lot harder to be tender, gentle, compassionate. i've grown to accustomed to this faux-machismo display because i can shut out more painful emotions instead of having to feel them. i am scared that if i show sensitivity it will allow space for betrayal or disappointment.
is it weak to fear betrayal? am i allowed to run away from risk and therefore dissolve chances of being let down? i want to stop being a little bitch and allow pain to strengthen me but i'm scared of change. if i feel like i have a lot to lose if i risk it all, is it fair for me to risk it?
but i want to be as real as people think i am. often my audacity and tactlessness is mistaken for being blunt or honest. well. to be honest, i think it's a lot harder to be tender, gentle, compassionate. i've grown to accustomed to this faux-machismo display because i can shut out more painful emotions instead of having to feel them. i am scared that if i show sensitivity it will allow space for betrayal or disappointment.
is it weak to fear betrayal? am i allowed to run away from risk and therefore dissolve chances of being let down? i want to stop being a little bitch and allow pain to strengthen me but i'm scared of change. if i feel like i have a lot to lose if i risk it all, is it fair for me to risk it?