my recovery so far.
So if only I could really put into words what it is that I'm going through right now, this might actually seem worth while to write. But since I have no idea, my thoughts are so thrown askew and I have no idea what the hell is going on, this is just going to be random, jumbled, and unorganized. As if I've ever really been organized though.
Ok, so I've been going through a lot of changes lately, mostly all of them are spiritual and in my behavior. I've been clean and sober for some time now. Almost a month and it trips me out. It's been hard I wont lie, it hasn't been easy and I'm shaking right now as I type this because it's so hard to fathom the strength I've been showing. I'm on new medication. I finally came to the, not so subtle at the time, understanding that I need meds to help me. Thats one giant step I've taken in my recovery. I've grown very attached to something I never thought would mean so much to me. SOmething I never even knew could truely have this much power over me. That's the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I go to meetings religiously every night out here in the Ventura area. It's been helping me and opening my eyes to a world I never knew could exist in recent days. Sobriety. Never underestimate the power of soberheads in numbers. lol. I'm currently in a recovery home right now. I'm doing outpatient from 8am to 9pm everyday except saturdays and sundays. On saturday's we have family group meetings that go until around 1 or 2 and then I get to go home. Sunday's I meet up with my sponsor and go to 2 meetings with her. Her name is Lucky. She's truely an amazing person and one of the most influencial and genuine people I've ever met. She's been totally understanding and here for me when I thought everything was hopeless. Sure, I got help from elsewhere but these past few days, without her, I don't know what may have happened. Which I'll go into in just a min.
In about a week it will be two years since I was raped by someone I was close too. Two months after my rape, my own father tried too. He was the one of the few that knew about the other one. But anywho, I never did anything about the first one. I didn't know what to do, or even what I could do. A month had gone by after my rape and I was 2 weeks late for my period. I thought I might be pregnant which brought me to tears when I had to come forward to my father about what had happened. I figured he'd take it better than my mother. Which at the time for a while he did. We got a test and it came back negative *thank god* and went to the doctors about my bruising. She told me my period was late due to stress and eventually the bruising would go away on it's own. I had to wait it out. Which I did. I just waited. I was waiting for something I didn't realize I wasn't going to get until now. I told few about that rape. Those included, my dad, Melinda, Derek, Josh Yakes(my boy friend at the time), and I think a few others. But not many. I didn't want to face the reality of what really happened that night I ditched school to go hang out with this guy. In my recovery, I had to an assesment thing to get into my recovery house. In it was a section about past trauma's. Something inside me decided it was time I faced my past. Not just the drugs, but everything. I knew that unless I faced all of my fear, I'd never get the closure I need to move on. I told them about what happened. They filed a mandatory report and told me I'd be getting a call from the Burbank Police Department. Which I recieved finally today. I have to go in on friday to file my official report, and sign the release to send out a warrant for the arrest of this guy. I'm pressing charges on the count of statatory rape. He was 18. Because I have to do this not only for myself, I'm risking missing my prom. I have to be at an orientation at 3 the same day. Which I wont make. If I don't go to that, I can't go to prom...Sad, yes, but it's the consequence I am now facing because I took too long to finally speak up. I wasn't ready, wasn't strong enough, wasn't sober, and more importantly, I wasn't able. Now, I may not be ready ever, but I am strong enough, I am sober, and I am fully able now. I've got more support than I ever deemed plauseable and it's completly heart-warming to feel that.
So, I've been going through a lot lately, but the part I'm most proud of, I'm sober. I've had two clean tests out of two, and things are shaping up. I'm graduating in a month, I'm already accepted to my second choice college. But not everything is great, I wont lie, I sabotaged a lot to get to the point I'm at today. And I've have been and am working really hard in my recovery.
I'm going to close with something from the second step, "I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity." In my opinion, I'm well on my way. Good night all.
Ok, so I've been going through a lot of changes lately, mostly all of them are spiritual and in my behavior. I've been clean and sober for some time now. Almost a month and it trips me out. It's been hard I wont lie, it hasn't been easy and I'm shaking right now as I type this because it's so hard to fathom the strength I've been showing. I'm on new medication. I finally came to the, not so subtle at the time, understanding that I need meds to help me. Thats one giant step I've taken in my recovery. I've grown very attached to something I never thought would mean so much to me. SOmething I never even knew could truely have this much power over me. That's the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I go to meetings religiously every night out here in the Ventura area. It's been helping me and opening my eyes to a world I never knew could exist in recent days. Sobriety. Never underestimate the power of soberheads in numbers. lol. I'm currently in a recovery home right now. I'm doing outpatient from 8am to 9pm everyday except saturdays and sundays. On saturday's we have family group meetings that go until around 1 or 2 and then I get to go home. Sunday's I meet up with my sponsor and go to 2 meetings with her. Her name is Lucky. She's truely an amazing person and one of the most influencial and genuine people I've ever met. She's been totally understanding and here for me when I thought everything was hopeless. Sure, I got help from elsewhere but these past few days, without her, I don't know what may have happened. Which I'll go into in just a min.
In about a week it will be two years since I was raped by someone I was close too. Two months after my rape, my own father tried too. He was the one of the few that knew about the other one. But anywho, I never did anything about the first one. I didn't know what to do, or even what I could do. A month had gone by after my rape and I was 2 weeks late for my period. I thought I might be pregnant which brought me to tears when I had to come forward to my father about what had happened. I figured he'd take it better than my mother. Which at the time for a while he did. We got a test and it came back negative *thank god* and went to the doctors about my bruising. She told me my period was late due to stress and eventually the bruising would go away on it's own. I had to wait it out. Which I did. I just waited. I was waiting for something I didn't realize I wasn't going to get until now. I told few about that rape. Those included, my dad, Melinda, Derek, Josh Yakes(my boy friend at the time), and I think a few others. But not many. I didn't want to face the reality of what really happened that night I ditched school to go hang out with this guy. In my recovery, I had to an assesment thing to get into my recovery house. In it was a section about past trauma's. Something inside me decided it was time I faced my past. Not just the drugs, but everything. I knew that unless I faced all of my fear, I'd never get the closure I need to move on. I told them about what happened. They filed a mandatory report and told me I'd be getting a call from the Burbank Police Department. Which I recieved finally today. I have to go in on friday to file my official report, and sign the release to send out a warrant for the arrest of this guy. I'm pressing charges on the count of statatory rape. He was 18. Because I have to do this not only for myself, I'm risking missing my prom. I have to be at an orientation at 3 the same day. Which I wont make. If I don't go to that, I can't go to prom...Sad, yes, but it's the consequence I am now facing because I took too long to finally speak up. I wasn't ready, wasn't strong enough, wasn't sober, and more importantly, I wasn't able. Now, I may not be ready ever, but I am strong enough, I am sober, and I am fully able now. I've got more support than I ever deemed plauseable and it's completly heart-warming to feel that.
So, I've been going through a lot lately, but the part I'm most proud of, I'm sober. I've had two clean tests out of two, and things are shaping up. I'm graduating in a month, I'm already accepted to my second choice college. But not everything is great, I wont lie, I sabotaged a lot to get to the point I'm at today. And I've have been and am working really hard in my recovery.
I'm going to close with something from the second step, "I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity." In my opinion, I'm well on my way. Good night all.