painting the sky red.
well well well......back to ye old journal I go. haha...and again I happen to be listening to matt shaw. So its Monday night....well, tuesday morning technically. I just finished eating some taco bell...mmmmmmmm.... and now its on to work on this design for that suicide girl. I'm sure she just loves being reffered as that from most people.
hmmm, I want to read more but I want to read books that I enjoy.....and thats usually kinda hard to find. I want to make my own book. I need to get off my ass and do it. I want to make alot more stencils.....I need to make a new painting for the street art show for the Maestri gallery. I just thought of the perfect piece too...muuhahaha
ugh, I need to work more on the true blunts website.
UGH, I need to finish the davis homeimprovement website!!!
=0( depresseing.
Then of coarse we have my current emotional state. I have two extremes going on right now....instead of just the usual one. I dunno....its strange, I've realized that maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. At least to a certain someone.....I'm more sensative than I let on because I wanted someone to like me.....but some of the things she's said have really effected me, they've hurt me. blahhhh..... its like when you feel unwanted and you kinda walk away with your head down and then all of a sudden there like.... oh hey, you want me huh ;0) and its like....well, I did until I didnt feel wanted back.....ugh, I'm just kinda sad and depressed. I've never had to deal with this before really and when I explained it to sam... he was like... hmmm, sounds like its not workin and I was like.... really? I've only had 2 "relationships / dating" experiences before. I dont have much to compare it to, he said maybe we're just different people.
When I think about what kinda person she is.. its like she's the bubbbly happy girl thats into shopping and getting her nails done and going to shows and obsessing over rock stars. Nothing at all wrong with that.... she's a super cute girl and she's super sweet. I've just never dated someone like that before and its kinda strange to me. She's alot of fun because she's goofy too but thats all it is. I try to talk to her about things in life and this world and she gets upset and freaks out. She's just such a good hearted sweet girl and she's a really good person.
She has really opened my eyes to being more understanding of people that are different than me. Ugh.....she's so busy with school and work and her friends and shows and her family. I'm realizing I need someone who has more time for me.....I would almost rather not be in a relationship almost just cause at least I'm not missing someone all the time. I've gotten to see her for 2 hours this month, that really depressed for me a while and to get out of it I had to stop caring.... =0(
Well, anyways....thats what I've been dealing with kinda. My brains so confused with feeling relief and yet some grief. It crushes my heart to think.....blarrrg...blaarrrrrrg maite!! hahah.. oooook, anyways... looney tooney. I'm mean shit.....I grew up watching a talking horse, how the hell am I gonna come out normal.
very emotional vs non emotional = arguements, me feeling unwanted, hurt feelings....... etc. She doesnt even realize whats going on or what she's done even though I've told her. Its because she cant even comprehend what I'm talking about. What I speak of is so emotional that I dont think she can really understand it or see my side of the coin. She just sais ok and yes and the right things to make everything ok. Which is nice of her to at least want things to be ok, she just doesnt understand where I'm coming from at all.
yup yup yup, fun times. Then of coarse we have my friend chris who's wife cheated on him and he's getting a divorce now. Very sad.....fuck her, I never really liked her anyways. I told chris to leave that bitch a while ago but you know...I had to be on his side when he said he was gonna work his hardest to make it work. I commend him, he did do his best... unfortuneatly she didnt even try to make things work. Instead she did the opposite. Poor guy. He's been with her for 6 years.....shit, I thought 4 was bad. Plus I dont have a 3 year old. Damn, I really feel bad for him. Makes all my issues and problems seem real tiny in comparison. I know its like to be left alone after a long relationship. Its one of the worst feelings in the world, I compare it to loosing a loved one to death. I almost think that sometimes having your significant other is worse than death. For me at least, if the person is dead, I know their gone..I know I wont be able to see them. In my ex's case, what made me really sad for a very long time was the fact that she lived on the same side of town as I do. I mean, if I missed her I could just go down the street and say hi... but in reality I couldnt, because we broke up and if I did visit it would just be awkward. It wouldnt be the awesome friendship that we once had. So I dunno, death is a very disturbing idea as well. I still have dreams where my best friend is still alive but he's just been gone off to college or something. So I wake up thinking its real and as I wake up more and more I realize that its just a dream and I calm down and kinda get alittle sad but also kinda tripped out.
So sometimes I think I'm not over that whole situation still. I mean, I dont consiously think about it very much anymore but then I'll still have dreams about it. Then of coarse when I wake up it makes me think about it. I also think the way I live my life and view things are completly shaped around that experience in my life now. I live life much faster now, but also slower...... I tend to do more of what i want now, I always have the thought that what if I died tomorrow..what have I accomplished, what have I experienced? What have I learned and am taking with me to the next level? Who the fuck knows where we go after this but I tend to think that we go somewhere....heaven, hell, another dimension, we all become ghosts and wander the fuckin moon, who really knows for sure. I just think we go somewhere and we're here in the first place to learn and I want to experience all I can before I leave. I want to be the best person I can be.. .haha... damn, sounds kinda cheesy .. like all ARMY style. But really though....I want to have as much mental understanding of myself as I possibly can. I think the greatest challange is getting to know yourself. I think its almost a waste of time trying to get to know someone, as hard as you try you can always just end up being lied to. Of coarse the other person might not ever tell all so there is no way in every really knowing the person completely so its impossible to completly succeed. The only thing you can really do is understand yourself, your the only thing stopping yourself.
hhmmm, I wrote some really killer shit on the guitar tonight... hahaa. At least I was really liking it. I cant wait to get some recording equipment!
Well, dammit...I'm tired but I gotta work on these designs... I guess I should get to work.
nite nite
hmmm, I want to read more but I want to read books that I enjoy.....and thats usually kinda hard to find. I want to make my own book. I need to get off my ass and do it. I want to make alot more stencils.....I need to make a new painting for the street art show for the Maestri gallery. I just thought of the perfect piece too...muuhahaha
ugh, I need to work more on the true blunts website.
UGH, I need to finish the davis homeimprovement website!!!
=0( depresseing.
Then of coarse we have my current emotional state. I have two extremes going on right now....instead of just the usual one. I dunno....its strange, I've realized that maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. At least to a certain someone.....I'm more sensative than I let on because I wanted someone to like me.....but some of the things she's said have really effected me, they've hurt me. blahhhh..... its like when you feel unwanted and you kinda walk away with your head down and then all of a sudden there like.... oh hey, you want me huh ;0) and its like....well, I did until I didnt feel wanted back.....ugh, I'm just kinda sad and depressed. I've never had to deal with this before really and when I explained it to sam... he was like... hmmm, sounds like its not workin and I was like.... really? I've only had 2 "relationships / dating" experiences before. I dont have much to compare it to, he said maybe we're just different people.
When I think about what kinda person she is.. its like she's the bubbbly happy girl thats into shopping and getting her nails done and going to shows and obsessing over rock stars. Nothing at all wrong with that.... she's a super cute girl and she's super sweet. I've just never dated someone like that before and its kinda strange to me. She's alot of fun because she's goofy too but thats all it is. I try to talk to her about things in life and this world and she gets upset and freaks out. She's just such a good hearted sweet girl and she's a really good person.
She has really opened my eyes to being more understanding of people that are different than me. Ugh.....she's so busy with school and work and her friends and shows and her family. I'm realizing I need someone who has more time for me.....I would almost rather not be in a relationship almost just cause at least I'm not missing someone all the time. I've gotten to see her for 2 hours this month, that really depressed for me a while and to get out of it I had to stop caring.... =0(
Well, anyways....thats what I've been dealing with kinda. My brains so confused with feeling relief and yet some grief. It crushes my heart to think.....blarrrg...blaarrrrrrg maite!! hahah.. oooook, anyways... looney tooney. I'm mean shit.....I grew up watching a talking horse, how the hell am I gonna come out normal.
very emotional vs non emotional = arguements, me feeling unwanted, hurt feelings....... etc. She doesnt even realize whats going on or what she's done even though I've told her. Its because she cant even comprehend what I'm talking about. What I speak of is so emotional that I dont think she can really understand it or see my side of the coin. She just sais ok and yes and the right things to make everything ok. Which is nice of her to at least want things to be ok, she just doesnt understand where I'm coming from at all.
yup yup yup, fun times. Then of coarse we have my friend chris who's wife cheated on him and he's getting a divorce now. Very sad.....fuck her, I never really liked her anyways. I told chris to leave that bitch a while ago but you know...I had to be on his side when he said he was gonna work his hardest to make it work. I commend him, he did do his best... unfortuneatly she didnt even try to make things work. Instead she did the opposite. Poor guy. He's been with her for 6 years.....shit, I thought 4 was bad. Plus I dont have a 3 year old. Damn, I really feel bad for him. Makes all my issues and problems seem real tiny in comparison. I know its like to be left alone after a long relationship. Its one of the worst feelings in the world, I compare it to loosing a loved one to death. I almost think that sometimes having your significant other is worse than death. For me at least, if the person is dead, I know their gone..I know I wont be able to see them. In my ex's case, what made me really sad for a very long time was the fact that she lived on the same side of town as I do. I mean, if I missed her I could just go down the street and say hi... but in reality I couldnt, because we broke up and if I did visit it would just be awkward. It wouldnt be the awesome friendship that we once had. So I dunno, death is a very disturbing idea as well. I still have dreams where my best friend is still alive but he's just been gone off to college or something. So I wake up thinking its real and as I wake up more and more I realize that its just a dream and I calm down and kinda get alittle sad but also kinda tripped out.
So sometimes I think I'm not over that whole situation still. I mean, I dont consiously think about it very much anymore but then I'll still have dreams about it. Then of coarse when I wake up it makes me think about it. I also think the way I live my life and view things are completly shaped around that experience in my life now. I live life much faster now, but also slower...... I tend to do more of what i want now, I always have the thought that what if I died tomorrow..what have I accomplished, what have I experienced? What have I learned and am taking with me to the next level? Who the fuck knows where we go after this but I tend to think that we go somewhere....heaven, hell, another dimension, we all become ghosts and wander the fuckin moon, who really knows for sure. I just think we go somewhere and we're here in the first place to learn and I want to experience all I can before I leave. I want to be the best person I can be.. .haha... damn, sounds kinda cheesy .. like all ARMY style. But really though....I want to have as much mental understanding of myself as I possibly can. I think the greatest challange is getting to know yourself. I think its almost a waste of time trying to get to know someone, as hard as you try you can always just end up being lied to. Of coarse the other person might not ever tell all so there is no way in every really knowing the person completely so its impossible to completly succeed. The only thing you can really do is understand yourself, your the only thing stopping yourself.
hhmmm, I wrote some really killer shit on the guitar tonight... hahaa. At least I was really liking it. I cant wait to get some recording equipment!
Well, dammit...I'm tired but I gotta work on these designs... I guess I should get to work.
nite nite