(no subject)
i dont understand what i seek in friendships.
i try to find a person that needs me.
i try to find a person that i can "cure"
that way i know that they wont leave me.
i guess its a product of doubt.
i doubt myself so much.
i doubt my life, my friends, my faith, my world.
i have no idea why.
what i believe in says that i have no reason to doubt.
but i guess this is one thing in the world i struggle with.
one of many things, of course.
i think people overestimate me.
i dont know what to say.
so many people who think im smarter than i am.
or wiser than i am.
but really, i have less experiences than most everyone.
it all comes from my common sense.
which i think i have been given greater than most.
but sometimes i pretend i know more than i do.
and i feel better about myself because of a lie.
i just hope i can help people though.
alot of people need help.
i know i do in so many categories.
one thing in eed to figure out is who i am.
or maybe who i will become.
because maybe im not happy with who i am right now.
but i know that who i will become can be very different.'
i can look at it two ways i guess.
what i want, and what will happen.
i want a perfect life.
but whats the fun in that?
i know i will mess up anyways.
i mess up all the time.
yet i guess it is expected because everyone does it.
i just want to be different from everyone though.
because i know right now that from the outside i really dont matter.
i am just the expected person.
but i want to be more.
i want to be someone that did not just go through life normally.
i want to make an impact in so many peoples lives.
but one would be enough, one thankful person.
someone that geniunely could tell me without me they would be different.
that i made their life better.
but why stop there?
if i could help a million people i probably wouldnt ever be satisfied.
i dont know if that is good or bad.
genuinity or competition.
i dont want to be a person who feels better because others are worse off.
or talks themself up because they are so great for helping someone.
actually, this is entirely confusing.
i guess it just shows i dont really know what i want.
everyone wants the world to be better because of them.
ill go with that and see where it leads me.
but i dont think im prepared to make anything better yet.
i have to be satisfied with myself.
i think i know what it takes to get there.
but its easier said than done.
and ive said it so many times.
how many times must i let myself down before i stand up to myself?
because i hold me back.
its not the world.
its me.
and i cant stand to tell myself this.
i hate that i know it.
my choices are exactly that, mine.
and no one else can take that.
and it scares me tremendously.
im no longer a child.
i no longer can rely on my parents.
and sometimes thats all i want to do.
but i guess its time to realize im on my own.
and see what happens from here.
being on my own doesnt make any sense either.
because the whole time i have sought out someone to experience my life with.
all i want is one person to find me more important than everyone else.
is that selfish? or is it a desire that all humans have?
but do i even care really?
because i know what i desire.
and it seems as if there will be a void until i have that.
i try to find a person that needs me.
i try to find a person that i can "cure"
that way i know that they wont leave me.
i guess its a product of doubt.
i doubt myself so much.
i doubt my life, my friends, my faith, my world.
i have no idea why.
what i believe in says that i have no reason to doubt.
but i guess this is one thing in the world i struggle with.
one of many things, of course.
i think people overestimate me.
i dont know what to say.
so many people who think im smarter than i am.
or wiser than i am.
but really, i have less experiences than most everyone.
it all comes from my common sense.
which i think i have been given greater than most.
but sometimes i pretend i know more than i do.
and i feel better about myself because of a lie.
i just hope i can help people though.
alot of people need help.
i know i do in so many categories.
one thing in eed to figure out is who i am.
or maybe who i will become.
because maybe im not happy with who i am right now.
but i know that who i will become can be very different.'
i can look at it two ways i guess.
what i want, and what will happen.
i want a perfect life.
but whats the fun in that?
i know i will mess up anyways.
i mess up all the time.
yet i guess it is expected because everyone does it.
i just want to be different from everyone though.
because i know right now that from the outside i really dont matter.
i am just the expected person.
but i want to be more.
i want to be someone that did not just go through life normally.
i want to make an impact in so many peoples lives.
but one would be enough, one thankful person.
someone that geniunely could tell me without me they would be different.
that i made their life better.
but why stop there?
if i could help a million people i probably wouldnt ever be satisfied.
i dont know if that is good or bad.
genuinity or competition.
i dont want to be a person who feels better because others are worse off.
or talks themself up because they are so great for helping someone.
actually, this is entirely confusing.
i guess it just shows i dont really know what i want.
everyone wants the world to be better because of them.
ill go with that and see where it leads me.
but i dont think im prepared to make anything better yet.
i have to be satisfied with myself.
i think i know what it takes to get there.
but its easier said than done.
and ive said it so many times.
how many times must i let myself down before i stand up to myself?
because i hold me back.
its not the world.
its me.
and i cant stand to tell myself this.
i hate that i know it.
my choices are exactly that, mine.
and no one else can take that.
and it scares me tremendously.
im no longer a child.
i no longer can rely on my parents.
and sometimes thats all i want to do.
but i guess its time to realize im on my own.
and see what happens from here.
being on my own doesnt make any sense either.
because the whole time i have sought out someone to experience my life with.
all i want is one person to find me more important than everyone else.
is that selfish? or is it a desire that all humans have?
but do i even care really?
because i know what i desire.
and it seems as if there will be a void until i have that.