oh the tangled webs we weave
well, yesterday was fairly exciting. Richard called as I was doing physics homework. I nearly had a heart attack and we talked for about two hours. most important thing - he wants to make things right and give us another shot.
sigh... the one thing I used to want the most now makes my life a nightmare - AGAIN. I am so tired... everything should be coming together, but it already did that so first it has to fall apart all over again, which it is. sigh again...
I told Tony I’m taking a break of two weeks to think things through. now gasp all together as you remember how messed up I was when Richard used to do that to me... he cried on the phone when I told him. I don’t want to hurt my Jack-baby. but I AM... so badly. ARRRRGH! everything I touch, I mess up.
confession time: I am a manipulative monster who treats people like chess pieces to further my own agenda. I use some people without initial emotional attachment, just to pretend that I am emotionally attached so that they don’t get wise to me. I am cruel, heartless, and despicable. I used Tony to help myself get over Richard, to prove to myself that I can have an impact on others, and to satify my physical cravings. Even if I didn’t have full knowledge, I had enough, and I did it DELIBERATELY.
explanation time: I love Tony like a mentor and a best friend. I want what is best for him, I can’t stand to see him hurt, and I want him to fulfill his potential and become the best person he can be. he fell for me, really really hard, and in the beginning I warned him time and again that I wasn’t his, that I didn’t love him, and that one day I’d have to leave him. I told him that I couldn’t become involved with him because it would be living a lie. well that always cut him to the bone until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I managed to convince myself that all those factors, being hurt when he was hurt, wanting him to be happy, etc. meant that I had the proper kind of love for him that a girlfriend has for a boyfriend. So I told him I loved him and that seemed to be a cure that made everything better. but it didn’t. as he was being brought up fom the lower world, I was being dragged down into the darkness. one thing that I think is very important in any relationship is whether the other person, or the relationship itself, brings one closer to Christ. that wasn’t happening. true, his most egregious sins were slowly dissipating, but we were both coming dangerously close to a multitude of other sins. when I told him that I loved him, it wasn’t true but I didn’t know that, because I had been lying to myself. I caved in to his emotional blackmail because, for all my talk, I wasn’t strong enough to stay standing up for my values and ideals. now I’ve compromised myself and played so roughly with another person that I think I might break him. Tony’s like a porcelain figurine hiding behind a mask of aluminum foil.
however, if I go back to Richard, I got the impression it’s still not a sure thing. it’s a tossup between me or the priesthood. correction: it’s me or the priesthood in the context of if he isn’t with me, he’ll go into the priesthood. (don’t even ASK me how that works out with the whole “calling” thing...) I just got off the phone with him. his sister found out who he was talking to (me) so now it’s only a matter of time before his parents find out that he’s talking to me and the fewmets hit the windmill. they evidently like me as a person but not as ‘Richard’s girlfriend’ because of all the crud we went through that had such an effect on him. I guess from the outside our relationship must have looked downright unhealthy to them. :) but it’s weird because EVERYONE ELSE thought we had everything made. even when we were going to hell in a handbasket everyone thought we were perfect, cute, ideal, and all the other stuff people think. funky. <-- that’s becoming my new buzzword and I’m not sure I like it... what do you think?
anyway… my current dilemma(s):
1. is this the right decision in the first place?
2. how do I do damage control on the breaking of tony’s heart?
3. how do I live with myself knowing I broke his heart?
4. is the Richard thing going to work out?
5. how am I going to go to school with mournful Jack there?
further bulletins as events warrant.
=^.^=
sigh... the one thing I used to want the most now makes my life a nightmare - AGAIN. I am so tired... everything should be coming together, but it already did that so first it has to fall apart all over again, which it is. sigh again...
I told Tony I’m taking a break of two weeks to think things through. now gasp all together as you remember how messed up I was when Richard used to do that to me... he cried on the phone when I told him. I don’t want to hurt my Jack-baby. but I AM... so badly. ARRRRGH! everything I touch, I mess up.
confession time: I am a manipulative monster who treats people like chess pieces to further my own agenda. I use some people without initial emotional attachment, just to pretend that I am emotionally attached so that they don’t get wise to me. I am cruel, heartless, and despicable. I used Tony to help myself get over Richard, to prove to myself that I can have an impact on others, and to satify my physical cravings. Even if I didn’t have full knowledge, I had enough, and I did it DELIBERATELY.
explanation time: I love Tony like a mentor and a best friend. I want what is best for him, I can’t stand to see him hurt, and I want him to fulfill his potential and become the best person he can be. he fell for me, really really hard, and in the beginning I warned him time and again that I wasn’t his, that I didn’t love him, and that one day I’d have to leave him. I told him that I couldn’t become involved with him because it would be living a lie. well that always cut him to the bone until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I managed to convince myself that all those factors, being hurt when he was hurt, wanting him to be happy, etc. meant that I had the proper kind of love for him that a girlfriend has for a boyfriend. So I told him I loved him and that seemed to be a cure that made everything better. but it didn’t. as he was being brought up fom the lower world, I was being dragged down into the darkness. one thing that I think is very important in any relationship is whether the other person, or the relationship itself, brings one closer to Christ. that wasn’t happening. true, his most egregious sins were slowly dissipating, but we were both coming dangerously close to a multitude of other sins. when I told him that I loved him, it wasn’t true but I didn’t know that, because I had been lying to myself. I caved in to his emotional blackmail because, for all my talk, I wasn’t strong enough to stay standing up for my values and ideals. now I’ve compromised myself and played so roughly with another person that I think I might break him. Tony’s like a porcelain figurine hiding behind a mask of aluminum foil.
however, if I go back to Richard, I got the impression it’s still not a sure thing. it’s a tossup between me or the priesthood. correction: it’s me or the priesthood in the context of if he isn’t with me, he’ll go into the priesthood. (don’t even ASK me how that works out with the whole “calling” thing...) I just got off the phone with him. his sister found out who he was talking to (me) so now it’s only a matter of time before his parents find out that he’s talking to me and the fewmets hit the windmill. they evidently like me as a person but not as ‘Richard’s girlfriend’ because of all the crud we went through that had such an effect on him. I guess from the outside our relationship must have looked downright unhealthy to them. :) but it’s weird because EVERYONE ELSE thought we had everything made. even when we were going to hell in a handbasket everyone thought we were perfect, cute, ideal, and all the other stuff people think. funky. <-- that’s becoming my new buzzword and I’m not sure I like it... what do you think?
anyway… my current dilemma(s):
1. is this the right decision in the first place?
2. how do I do damage control on the breaking of tony’s heart?
3. how do I live with myself knowing I broke his heart?
4. is the Richard thing going to work out?
5. how am I going to go to school with mournful Jack there?
further bulletins as events warrant.
=^.^=