Wow...

[_drewbarrymore_]

Ok, the past few days have been totally not fun for me. Courtney is going through Hell, I know, but she has decided to put me through it as well. She has been attempting to sneak out every chance she gets. I feel like a cross between a cop and her mother. When I catch her, we fight. And the fights have gotten mean. She refuses to stay in the same room with me, and won't even touch me, which she knows is killing me. I realize that this is just one of her 'tests'. I've seen her do it before with other people she starts to date. Usually it drives them away. But, she knows I've been around for years, and I'm not going anywhere. Yet, she persists in doing this. She's ignoring Frances, and just being downright evil to me. I hate it. Tonight, I just couldn't do it anymore. She threatened me tonight, which I know she didn't mean, but, it still hurt me. Then she pushed me out of her way and took off. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. So I sent Frances to a friend's house for the night, and I left. I couldn't take sitting in the house, worrying about her, about what she was doing...if she was with someone else. I know this is her way of testing limits, but, it's harder for me than I thought. I hate all this fighting. And I hate that she is 'punishing me' by not touching me at all. So, I did something really stupid, and I went to find someone who wouldn't push me away. Someone who would hold me, cherish me being in their arms. And, I did. I hope she doesn't hate me for that. I don't want to lose her. The thought of it turns my stomach. But I want her to stop acting like a child. I want her to be my Courtney again. To open up and talk to me, to stop looking at me as the enemy, and to stop trying to sneak out to do drugs. I can't handle that on a daily basis. And, tonight, I failed. I can't help but feel guilty about it either. Even though it's not my fault, I still feel like I did something wrong. She got out, and I know what she went to do first. I just hope that she didn't...with someone else...God.
*closes her eyes and sighs*
Courtney, you're my best friend, but you're even more than that now. Please, please don't do this to us. Please.
*logs off, going back to bed at her friend's, not up to going home to face an empty house, thoughts of Courtney, and all she might be doing, running through her mind*