I'm Sorry...
Sorry that I seem to be ignoring everyone, sorry that I haven't updated this thing in forever, sorry that I haven't been around for my friends. But, that is going to change, soon. Right now, however, we're staying in hiding. I'll get to that in a minute. I'm putting all this behind a cut tag, so I won't bore everyone, or take up a bunch of space. This is a lot of randomness, so this way people can skip it if they want.
*lights up a cigarette, takes a swig of her beer, looking at the dogs sleeping on the floor, knowing that Frances and Courtney are asleep down the hall*
Ok, so most know that Kelly and I broke up recently. I'll be the first one to say though, that I was just shocked when I heard she was in rehab. I didn't expect it, nor did I see it coming. And maybe that should tell me something right there. I spent almost two solid weeks with her, and never once noticed anything. I was a bad girlfriend, and I can see that now. There is so much of that relationship that I personally just fucked up on. There are so many things I should have done differently. But, I didn't, and now it's over. I can whine about the past all I want, but I can't change it. I called Kelly the other day. And while the conversation was pretty stilted, I hope I at least made it clear to her that I do care about her, very much. And that I'll always be here, no matter what. I loved Kelly as a friend before we got together, and, as far as I'm concerned I'll be loving her as a friend forever, if she'll let me.
After Kelly dumped me, I did something a lot of people viewed as monumentally stupid on my part. Within a week, I was in another relationship. Even I doubted both my sanity and my intelligence on that one, since it seemed like I was setting myself up for another fall. And who knows, maybe I am. I can't see the future, obviously, or I wouldn't be in so many disastrous relationships to begin with. But, as of this moment, I wouldn't change a thing I have done. In case anyone doesn't know, I am currently dating Courtney Love.
Courtney and I are close friends, and have been for years. Her daughter Frances is my God-daughter. So, when all this started happening, my biggest fear, was that we will lose our friendship. We've discussed this at length, especially lately. We've both agreed that no matter what happens, we will not give up the love we have for each other. I was and am, amazed that Courtney has feelings for me that are deeper than just simple friendship. I never knew she felt this way. I don't think she really realized it either, until the night she started to kiss me. And she said then, as well as saying several times since then, that she was positive that there couldn't have been a worse moment to state how she felt, but that she had to do it anyway. She was afraid that she may lose me if she didn't say anything, yet she was afraid that she may drive me away if she did. I'm glad that she had the courage to tell me. And I love her so much for being honest. My greatest fear in this relationship now, is Courtney getting into one of her 'moods' and cheating on me. I know that deep in her heart she doesn't want to screw this up, nor do I think that she is planning to, but I also know Courtney. And when she starts to feel secure, or too stable, she'll generally find some white powder, have a huge blow-out and end up in bed with someone. I know that it would kill her to hurt me, and she'd be apologetic, but I'm not sure how well I could handle it. It scares me. I try to put it out of my head, and not worry about it. Usually I'm pretty successful too, but when things get stressful for her is when it's most likely to happen, and you can't get much more stressful than right now.
So, that brings us to where we are now. Which is pretty much hiding out, her, Frances, myself, and my dogs. The reporters have been unbelievable this week. It's been 10 years this past Tuesday since Kurt took his own life. As if that isn't bad enough for Courtney, they are reopening the police file on it. So you can just imagine the Hell that Courtney has been subjected to. We decided to pull Frances out of school, and the three of us are staying at a friend's house while they are filming on location. It's better this way. And, Courtney and I are taking this time to talk about, and work on, our relationship. It almost seemed that up until now, even though we were together, we weren't. We weren't acting any differently from our friendship except for the fact that now we are sleeping together. And we both agreed that that wasn't the way to have a healthy relationship. So, we're setting up guidelines, we're having 'dates', we're trying to act as more than just 'fuck buddies'. And, we've decided to tell Frances this weekend. How that will go I have no clue. I'm nervous but excited too. I really hope she approves.
Until we come back, I'll probably be keeping my phone off. Just too many reporters have gotten my cell, and I really don't want to deal with them. At least they don't know about us, yet. So, we'll be back a week from this Monday. I'll try to start catching up with everyone then.
I really hope everyone is doing well. I miss all of you terribly, and, I'm really excited about introducing everyone to Courtney. I will see you all soon, I promise!
I also wanted to add one more thing. I went to do my voting tonight and saw that I had made the ballot for best actress. I was so shocked I started to cry. I don't expect to win (personally, I think Liv should!) But the fact that I was even nominated made me feel so good, you guys don't even know. Thank you so much, you guys made me feel special, knowing that my peers though enough of me to nominate me, even though I know I have been rather scarce. Thank you all, again.
*finishes her beer and fourth cigarette, stubbing it out in the overflowing ashtray. closing the laptop she starts back down the hallway, all four dogs trailing along, so she can curl up in Courtney's arms and hope that sleep will come easier tonight*
*lights up a cigarette, takes a swig of her beer, looking at the dogs sleeping on the floor, knowing that Frances and Courtney are asleep down the hall*
Ok, so most know that Kelly and I broke up recently. I'll be the first one to say though, that I was just shocked when I heard she was in rehab. I didn't expect it, nor did I see it coming. And maybe that should tell me something right there. I spent almost two solid weeks with her, and never once noticed anything. I was a bad girlfriend, and I can see that now. There is so much of that relationship that I personally just fucked up on. There are so many things I should have done differently. But, I didn't, and now it's over. I can whine about the past all I want, but I can't change it. I called Kelly the other day. And while the conversation was pretty stilted, I hope I at least made it clear to her that I do care about her, very much. And that I'll always be here, no matter what. I loved Kelly as a friend before we got together, and, as far as I'm concerned I'll be loving her as a friend forever, if she'll let me.
After Kelly dumped me, I did something a lot of people viewed as monumentally stupid on my part. Within a week, I was in another relationship. Even I doubted both my sanity and my intelligence on that one, since it seemed like I was setting myself up for another fall. And who knows, maybe I am. I can't see the future, obviously, or I wouldn't be in so many disastrous relationships to begin with. But, as of this moment, I wouldn't change a thing I have done. In case anyone doesn't know, I am currently dating Courtney Love.
Courtney and I are close friends, and have been for years. Her daughter Frances is my God-daughter. So, when all this started happening, my biggest fear, was that we will lose our friendship. We've discussed this at length, especially lately. We've both agreed that no matter what happens, we will not give up the love we have for each other. I was and am, amazed that Courtney has feelings for me that are deeper than just simple friendship. I never knew she felt this way. I don't think she really realized it either, until the night she started to kiss me. And she said then, as well as saying several times since then, that she was positive that there couldn't have been a worse moment to state how she felt, but that she had to do it anyway. She was afraid that she may lose me if she didn't say anything, yet she was afraid that she may drive me away if she did. I'm glad that she had the courage to tell me. And I love her so much for being honest. My greatest fear in this relationship now, is Courtney getting into one of her 'moods' and cheating on me. I know that deep in her heart she doesn't want to screw this up, nor do I think that she is planning to, but I also know Courtney. And when she starts to feel secure, or too stable, she'll generally find some white powder, have a huge blow-out and end up in bed with someone. I know that it would kill her to hurt me, and she'd be apologetic, but I'm not sure how well I could handle it. It scares me. I try to put it out of my head, and not worry about it. Usually I'm pretty successful too, but when things get stressful for her is when it's most likely to happen, and you can't get much more stressful than right now.
So, that brings us to where we are now. Which is pretty much hiding out, her, Frances, myself, and my dogs. The reporters have been unbelievable this week. It's been 10 years this past Tuesday since Kurt took his own life. As if that isn't bad enough for Courtney, they are reopening the police file on it. So you can just imagine the Hell that Courtney has been subjected to. We decided to pull Frances out of school, and the three of us are staying at a friend's house while they are filming on location. It's better this way. And, Courtney and I are taking this time to talk about, and work on, our relationship. It almost seemed that up until now, even though we were together, we weren't. We weren't acting any differently from our friendship except for the fact that now we are sleeping together. And we both agreed that that wasn't the way to have a healthy relationship. So, we're setting up guidelines, we're having 'dates', we're trying to act as more than just 'fuck buddies'. And, we've decided to tell Frances this weekend. How that will go I have no clue. I'm nervous but excited too. I really hope she approves.
Until we come back, I'll probably be keeping my phone off. Just too many reporters have gotten my cell, and I really don't want to deal with them. At least they don't know about us, yet. So, we'll be back a week from this Monday. I'll try to start catching up with everyone then.
I really hope everyone is doing well. I miss all of you terribly, and, I'm really excited about introducing everyone to Courtney. I will see you all soon, I promise!
I also wanted to add one more thing. I went to do my voting tonight and saw that I had made the ballot for best actress. I was so shocked I started to cry. I don't expect to win (personally, I think Liv should!) But the fact that I was even nominated made me feel so good, you guys don't even know. Thank you so much, you guys made me feel special, knowing that my peers though enough of me to nominate me, even though I know I have been rather scarce. Thank you all, again.
*finishes her beer and fourth cigarette, stubbing it out in the overflowing ashtray. closing the laptop she starts back down the hallway, all four dogs trailing along, so she can curl up in Courtney's arms and hope that sleep will come easier tonight*