another day alone...
So its offically been two days since Rudy and i are no longer an item, and i think i feel worse now than when it initially hit me -- which was yesterday when she wouldnt kiss me. a real kiss that is. i even broke down when we went to get a slice of pizza at a local pizzaria. i couldnt even watch laguna beach without crying because she loves to watch that show and then she called when she got outta work and i was bawling like you wouldnt believe. it was hell, but i deserve it -- let me tell you!!!
do you know how good it felt to tell someone no the other day? i have a bad habit of just letting everyone have their way with me, i do whatever for anyone! kelly asked me to meet her, when i specifically told her we cant have anything more than a friendship. i just cant do anything with anyone. its terrible. im single -- TECHNICALLY and i cant do it. i cant be with anyone else.
meg and i decided that i shouldnt masterbate for a while because im an addict to sex, yes i admit it. but i just wanted to today -- to get away. and so i did. and then i cried. thinking that rudy and i may never engage in sex again... or i mean, the closeness that we had. sleep in the same bed. BE TOGETHER frightens me and really upsets me.
she says that i just need to work on things and everything will be ok. but it wont be. she even said that she could find someone else that treats her better or appreciates her. and like, that could be a matter of days where fixing my mental problems could take longer than that. im really trying. being overly nice to people. being selfless. i even helped write my friends paper today instead of going to my class so she wouldnt fail because she had no idea what she was doing. my good deed for the day. but it might take SO long and i just cant handle this.
i spoke with lizz today. we were supposed to have lunch tomorrow but now i have an audition and i dont think ill be able to make it before she has a class. but anyways, i was talking to her about how upset i am. i asked, above ALL things from rudy: more sex and more attention. physical things mind you. and what im being asked to change is mental. something that takes longer than a day or a night or a week. i cant do that though. being without her takes away from the healing process here. rudy and i were one, 100% and only 50% apart. she made me whole and now im not. i know thats crazy and i sound insane for saying so... but its true. i feel that way.
i feel so pressed for time though. like i need to change but idont want it to be in so much time where she can find someone else. im just so afraid. it may be a small set back. but i have to do it, because without her im not whole.
she said that i cant sleep over tomorrow night and i wont touch her anyways. it hurts to touch her. im not even wearing her ring. its hanging on a tac in the midst of all the pictures "of our good times" on the wall. something i look at when i miss her more than life itself. wow, a good fucking kick to reality. i hate this whole starting over piece, its weird. but i deserve it for not realizing what a good thing i had.
im off to bartend and mope...
thanks for listening,
Chrys
do you know how good it felt to tell someone no the other day? i have a bad habit of just letting everyone have their way with me, i do whatever for anyone! kelly asked me to meet her, when i specifically told her we cant have anything more than a friendship. i just cant do anything with anyone. its terrible. im single -- TECHNICALLY and i cant do it. i cant be with anyone else.
meg and i decided that i shouldnt masterbate for a while because im an addict to sex, yes i admit it. but i just wanted to today -- to get away. and so i did. and then i cried. thinking that rudy and i may never engage in sex again... or i mean, the closeness that we had. sleep in the same bed. BE TOGETHER frightens me and really upsets me.
she says that i just need to work on things and everything will be ok. but it wont be. she even said that she could find someone else that treats her better or appreciates her. and like, that could be a matter of days where fixing my mental problems could take longer than that. im really trying. being overly nice to people. being selfless. i even helped write my friends paper today instead of going to my class so she wouldnt fail because she had no idea what she was doing. my good deed for the day. but it might take SO long and i just cant handle this.
i spoke with lizz today. we were supposed to have lunch tomorrow but now i have an audition and i dont think ill be able to make it before she has a class. but anyways, i was talking to her about how upset i am. i asked, above ALL things from rudy: more sex and more attention. physical things mind you. and what im being asked to change is mental. something that takes longer than a day or a night or a week. i cant do that though. being without her takes away from the healing process here. rudy and i were one, 100% and only 50% apart. she made me whole and now im not. i know thats crazy and i sound insane for saying so... but its true. i feel that way.
i feel so pressed for time though. like i need to change but idont want it to be in so much time where she can find someone else. im just so afraid. it may be a small set back. but i have to do it, because without her im not whole.
she said that i cant sleep over tomorrow night and i wont touch her anyways. it hurts to touch her. im not even wearing her ring. its hanging on a tac in the midst of all the pictures "of our good times" on the wall. something i look at when i miss her more than life itself. wow, a good fucking kick to reality. i hate this whole starting over piece, its weird. but i deserve it for not realizing what a good thing i had.
im off to bartend and mope...
thanks for listening,
Chrys