a time that was lost
Sitting down and writing is usually my easiest thing to do when i need to get away from stuff. to sit and just write and keep writing until all my tears have fallen and all my anger is released, but lately ive been at a loss for words. ive been unable to speak how i feel to anyone. to even speak at all, for that matter.
I went and visited rudy today. she cried. i cired. and it sucked worse than anything that has ever happened to me ever before. i could be as daring to say it was worse than when my grandfather died this past february. to hear her words of pain completely struck me cold. i lost my words. i lost my voice. i lost the ability to feel at that point. and no, its not that i didnt care its that i couldnt comprehend, or perhaps i just didnt want to some where inside it wouldnt let me. she told me i need to figure shit out, which is fine. but alone. without her. without the relationship. giving her and i the opportunity to be with anyone else no strings attached -- nothing. i cant do that. i cant be without her. its killing me. i even called my mom and explained to her what happened -- knowing id hear the "i told you so and pat was right" coming from her mouth. but i just needed someone to bare my soul to. someone to listen to me. i needed to talk, and still i found it hard for the words to fall out of my mouth.
im not excited knowing that rudy now has freedom to be with whoeve she wants. i dont want to be with anyone else. i dont want to see anyone else. i just want her, and thats it. and if i have to rearrange my whole world than god damnit im going to do that. forget new york, forget college... forget exisiting without her. i cant do it. shes everything, my entire existance is pointless without her.
I FUCKING HATE TIME!!!! its the worst word with the worst definition and meaning. i cant wait to fix things i cant wait to change i just want to change. i want to be everything that makes her happy because without her i cant be happy. to hear her words today completely broke my soul. i tried to kid toward the end, but it didnt matter how big the smile on my face was -- the smile in my heart was no where to be found. i cant apologize enough for everything that i may have done to her, not realizing it, that hurt her. i feel like shit and i have no where to turn. i cant run from myself and i cant run from anyone else. im trapped in a box. day by day without her is going to be the hardest thing ive ever done, and i have no way out -- no way back to the way things used to be. and im such a fucking idiot for fucking all this up. i runined the best thing ive ever had by being someone that im really not. by resorting to old habits instead of trusting. and now ive stabbed myself in the heart with no where to turn or no one to turn to.
she says she'll be there when i fix things for myself, but face it -- she turns heads more often than i do. i cant trust that she wont find someone better. she even said that she could find someone that treated her with more respect and appreciated her better and didnt expect things from her that she couldnt give. fuck sex, fuck having friends, i just want her. I JUST WANT HER!
and nothing i say now, not even the most meaningful words in the world "iloveyou" could fix anything that ive done. actions speak louder than words. and all i wanna do is move away to CA with her and prove to her shes my reason for existing. shes held me together in the worst of times and i cant face this world without her. if i lose her im going to go insane. and typing my heart out in this journal DOES NOTHING! it doesnt fix anything. i hate this. why am i such a fuck up??!!!
WWWWWWHHHY?!?!?!?!?!!!!??
someone answer me why.
**********************************************************************************
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
fix you - cold play
I went and visited rudy today. she cried. i cired. and it sucked worse than anything that has ever happened to me ever before. i could be as daring to say it was worse than when my grandfather died this past february. to hear her words of pain completely struck me cold. i lost my words. i lost my voice. i lost the ability to feel at that point. and no, its not that i didnt care its that i couldnt comprehend, or perhaps i just didnt want to some where inside it wouldnt let me. she told me i need to figure shit out, which is fine. but alone. without her. without the relationship. giving her and i the opportunity to be with anyone else no strings attached -- nothing. i cant do that. i cant be without her. its killing me. i even called my mom and explained to her what happened -- knowing id hear the "i told you so and pat was right" coming from her mouth. but i just needed someone to bare my soul to. someone to listen to me. i needed to talk, and still i found it hard for the words to fall out of my mouth.
im not excited knowing that rudy now has freedom to be with whoeve she wants. i dont want to be with anyone else. i dont want to see anyone else. i just want her, and thats it. and if i have to rearrange my whole world than god damnit im going to do that. forget new york, forget college... forget exisiting without her. i cant do it. shes everything, my entire existance is pointless without her.
I FUCKING HATE TIME!!!! its the worst word with the worst definition and meaning. i cant wait to fix things i cant wait to change i just want to change. i want to be everything that makes her happy because without her i cant be happy. to hear her words today completely broke my soul. i tried to kid toward the end, but it didnt matter how big the smile on my face was -- the smile in my heart was no where to be found. i cant apologize enough for everything that i may have done to her, not realizing it, that hurt her. i feel like shit and i have no where to turn. i cant run from myself and i cant run from anyone else. im trapped in a box. day by day without her is going to be the hardest thing ive ever done, and i have no way out -- no way back to the way things used to be. and im such a fucking idiot for fucking all this up. i runined the best thing ive ever had by being someone that im really not. by resorting to old habits instead of trusting. and now ive stabbed myself in the heart with no where to turn or no one to turn to.
she says she'll be there when i fix things for myself, but face it -- she turns heads more often than i do. i cant trust that she wont find someone better. she even said that she could find someone that treated her with more respect and appreciated her better and didnt expect things from her that she couldnt give. fuck sex, fuck having friends, i just want her. I JUST WANT HER!
and nothing i say now, not even the most meaningful words in the world "iloveyou" could fix anything that ive done. actions speak louder than words. and all i wanna do is move away to CA with her and prove to her shes my reason for existing. shes held me together in the worst of times and i cant face this world without her. if i lose her im going to go insane. and typing my heart out in this journal DOES NOTHING! it doesnt fix anything. i hate this. why am i such a fuck up??!!!
WWWWWWHHHY?!?!?!?!?!!!!??
someone answer me why.
**********************************************************************************
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
fix you - cold play