(no subject)
this morning we woke up at 645 to drive down the masspike to the airport. the sky was grey all the way there and i remembered how monotone winter is. i could see my breath even inside the car when we stopped at red lights. He's in the air right now and he'll be in tennessee in a few hours i suspect. he'll be back on friday night.
I drove his car back to the house. I say 'the' house because i dont want to say 'my' house, because it's not 'my' house eventhough i live there. i'm sitting in 'our' room because i have nothing to do until four o'clock. i decided to download music and waste time in the big bed with the christmas lights plugged in. i should have gone back to sleep. that would have been weird. plus, i'm wired from a large latte and my eyes are dry dry dry so i have to keep touching them to make them moist enough to move. Times like this, i know things are good because i am happy despite the things that could make me sad. i'm alright with them. i'm alright right now. i just hope the south doesn't swallow him back up. i'm glad to have some days apart. i think it'll do us some good. i think that constant togetherness is the poison of good relationships. think about it. i get sick of people within hours of their presence. being with someone all the time sucks. thank goodness for classes and work. oh wait, they both suck. i guess you cant win. maybe i'll just lay in bed from now on. i had weird dreams the other night. involving people i dont really know. it was weird to feel someone elses presence next to me when i slept. it was familliar because it was meredith and we used to sleep together all the time (in a stirctly sexual way), but i havent been sleeping with anyone other than the obvious, so it was kind of a weird little reversion. i slept like a baby. i couldnt get uncomfortable. the most uncomfortable i felt all that day was trying desperately to express my discontent and the reasons behind it to her father. i know what i feel, and i dont need to justify it. I ate alot of pizza and was okay with it. and then instantly regreted it. the freshman fifteen loom on the horizon. so much for this summer. i went to the high school and it made me really sad. it felt like i was there for a normal school day. i was in the art room and it smelled exactly like it always did last year. It felt like I was there to work on senior project and that I should be pulling out the huge grduated cylinders and measuring out my chemicals to develop my latest batch of shitty shitty pictures. high school. i miss it. i hated it while i was there, but now i miss it. i like it better than i like college thus far. whiney. anyways, im happy. im excited to go to work. could it be that im starting to like it? i suppose you cant really hate a job forever especially when it pays you $10 an hour to sit there and look trendy. the fucking customers though. they are assholes. all of them. AND the management. they fucking suck. i hate being talked down to, and the fucking managers are the most condescending bitches i've ever met. so i just smile and nod and then visciously mock them when they walk away. sue me. it's what i do. it's how i deal with things. i wish billy was coming home. i want to spend time in medfield this vacation. not gonna happen. mom made plans. i still have no control over my life. quimby says im too submissive. i just like to make people happy. i'm alright with it, so what's the problem? why should i be defiant if i don't care? silly silly. he knows me very well. i read like a book.
I drove his car back to the house. I say 'the' house because i dont want to say 'my' house, because it's not 'my' house eventhough i live there. i'm sitting in 'our' room because i have nothing to do until four o'clock. i decided to download music and waste time in the big bed with the christmas lights plugged in. i should have gone back to sleep. that would have been weird. plus, i'm wired from a large latte and my eyes are dry dry dry so i have to keep touching them to make them moist enough to move. Times like this, i know things are good because i am happy despite the things that could make me sad. i'm alright with them. i'm alright right now. i just hope the south doesn't swallow him back up. i'm glad to have some days apart. i think it'll do us some good. i think that constant togetherness is the poison of good relationships. think about it. i get sick of people within hours of their presence. being with someone all the time sucks. thank goodness for classes and work. oh wait, they both suck. i guess you cant win. maybe i'll just lay in bed from now on. i had weird dreams the other night. involving people i dont really know. it was weird to feel someone elses presence next to me when i slept. it was familliar because it was meredith and we used to sleep together all the time (in a stirctly sexual way), but i havent been sleeping with anyone other than the obvious, so it was kind of a weird little reversion. i slept like a baby. i couldnt get uncomfortable. the most uncomfortable i felt all that day was trying desperately to express my discontent and the reasons behind it to her father. i know what i feel, and i dont need to justify it. I ate alot of pizza and was okay with it. and then instantly regreted it. the freshman fifteen loom on the horizon. so much for this summer. i went to the high school and it made me really sad. it felt like i was there for a normal school day. i was in the art room and it smelled exactly like it always did last year. It felt like I was there to work on senior project and that I should be pulling out the huge grduated cylinders and measuring out my chemicals to develop my latest batch of shitty shitty pictures. high school. i miss it. i hated it while i was there, but now i miss it. i like it better than i like college thus far. whiney. anyways, im happy. im excited to go to work. could it be that im starting to like it? i suppose you cant really hate a job forever especially when it pays you $10 an hour to sit there and look trendy. the fucking customers though. they are assholes. all of them. AND the management. they fucking suck. i hate being talked down to, and the fucking managers are the most condescending bitches i've ever met. so i just smile and nod and then visciously mock them when they walk away. sue me. it's what i do. it's how i deal with things. i wish billy was coming home. i want to spend time in medfield this vacation. not gonna happen. mom made plans. i still have no control over my life. quimby says im too submissive. i just like to make people happy. i'm alright with it, so what's the problem? why should i be defiant if i don't care? silly silly. he knows me very well. i read like a book.