(no subject)
Alright. So here's my dissapointing day. I was going to write the concert part in my journal you know, the old fashion kind with the pen and paper? Because I'm fucking embarrased. but I thought. Hey, i dont think neone who knows me knows about this, and i want people to know what im feeling, so here goes.
X was supposed to drop in to school sometime throughout the day. so Co op of course lasted fucking forever. So i got on the bus, blasted my billy talent and thought that in less than i dunno, 3 hours i would see him. So i got out of the bus, when straight to the english room, he wasnt there, went to my locker, then the caf. all this time looking the fuck around me and going only in the halways he would go through to get to the english office. So i see braydon, that annoying shit. and he told me he got his liscence so that was good. So then we go tot he english office and sit there, David and Randi come which was great, i havent spent lunch with Randi since last year. Fuck I miss that. So then class starts. As usual Kevals being a big dick which is what he probobly lacks so he makes up for it by being one. So anyway im like keep the door open keep the door open! he like doesnt say anything but closes the door. So the whole period im staring at the door to see through this 2 by 2 inch window. Fucking hell. So class ends, i talk to some people that have lockers right by the english office. NOthing. i wait a little longer after the bell rings. I go the long way so i go through the hall hed go through. no sign of anything. so i go to chemistry and forget about it because of the bullshit im learning.then i go to the 'washroom', take the attendance. I see a teacher monitering the halls and i have the attendance in my hands and im walking the fuck away from the attendance office. TWICE! funny. neway. walk around couple more times.. nope nothing. come back 5 more minutes of class, i forget what i did after but i did wait for him for a little bit. I was with braydon and he wanted to go home and he thought the car was there so i decided to go with him. if i didnt see braydon i woulda camped out at my locker which is in the middle of the hall hed have to take to get there. so as far as i know it he wasnt there through out the day. well no one i talked to saw him, teacherwise. sigh. dissapointment #1. and i so knew it was going to happen. I just hoped so much it would.maybe its better if i never see him again? get on with my life? i have to say it hasnt been too bad with out him. in that sense im taint free. dont have to worry about all that shit i worried about before, im not gonna list it all for the ghost readers. but for myself i know what they were. How i was around him, in the school. Like i was today but a little better. and ive forgotten how i felt for him, like when i talk to him on msn once, it was just a voice, words. i didnt picture where they were coming from and the history i felt for this man. it was weird. I still woulda liked to see him again. I got a nice hair cut, i was wearing nice clothes, it woulda been nice.
anywhoo. the concert:
i was so fucking tired. we get there, nates with his girlfriend, shes kinda a bitch but got better through out the nite.anyway, so paikens got mad and all whiny because he couldnt find a lighter. So he sits down and we all sit down and i feel myself on this outside. wow, thats so unlike me. so like i cant hear, i have trouble hearing people anyway, im sick of this shit im not gonna listen anymore. so i was fuckin sad. so i wasnt in the concert mood you know? and its so hard for me to get back in to that, happy, rocky, expressive person that can jump up and down and love the music thats goin on in the front. and so like that was a bad thing to happen before it started. that was the spark of my feeling left out, secluded, alone.. etc.. alright so the thing starts, its a fucking huge place. fucking old tall strong people there. huge crowd. im standing there with paiken i cant see a fucking thing, people are sweaty and touching me and i cant see. paikens jumping up and down im just like standing there barely nodding my head.. so im like fuck this i cant stand this, i squeeze my way to the back. meanwhile theres this fuckin 500 pund guy with his shirt off drenched in sweat behind me sorry to say pressed up against me.eww. it was gross. i wasnt used to that because the only other concert iw ent to was SNOW PATROL! it was gross. so (this is the embarassing part) iw as standing there and i couldnt help it. tears came out. i was feeling so incredibly shitty you cant believ.e so im like i cant do this here. so i went to the bathroom. cried there for about 10 minutes. the door was broken but it was clean and vacant so i went in there and held the door shut. god i wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and honest to god i wanted my mom. shes half way across the world right now in the unsafest place i can think of that she'll ever go. i was feeling like absolute shit. and before you laugh at me (too late) just realise. Im this small ass girl. fucking expecting so much more than to see nothing, hear the greatest music played the best way ive ever heard in my life, while sweaty people were all around me, and i just couldnt jump up and down, i could just nod my head. i felt like people were looking at me, i have to impress them.gotta own up to an image they have. but there were smaller people there than me.. i kept on thinking people having shittier times. anyway that was after i came out of the bathroom. i missed some good songs. so i came out stood in this spot that wasnt too bad, people passing you but it was ok. still could see shit. so then i moved up, was right behind the mosh pit, i had such an urge to go in there and get all my fucking anger and hostility out. but im like no way dude ill get fucking hurt. i kinda wanted that though. i wanted people to see this little girl bashing people and getting bashed in the mosh pit. but i didnt. i was feeling mush better tho. i caught some good songs. like 3.and i was jumping and wavin my hair. and i couldnt see very much up front alot of the time, so i was lookin around right, at the same people, and i was thinking, i should worry, people ARE looking at me, you think no ones looking at you but look, im looking at that guy. so someones looking at me. so like its just so tainted. so i guess 98% of the time i was feeling shitty, self contious, alone, sad. even before the show, i was on the outside, they were all talking. i didnt know who they were talking about, could barely here what. they were talking about girlfriends and boyfriends and sex and all that shit and so i didnt want to be like, what?> say that again? i know thats fuckin annoying. i felt to shitty before. jeeze. is it always gonna be like this? am i always going to feel left out? alone? i am. you know that? i am. theres no stopping it.
im walking down the street and i see this mother walking a stroler with her baby in it. Im thinking, sure its a great pleasure for you. but think of the person you have created. the sadness and pressure and self contiousness and awkwardness they will have to go through. You dont understand what you've done, you only see it from your side, the pleasure of rasing a child. That child has more than 1 dimension. its not just what you see, and you seeing that child as a thing you take care of. it feels inside of them all this shit that can never be understood by anyone else. tones of shit, that will never go away. And get worst as they grow older, and older, and then you die. And then most of the people they know die, or something happens to them and they are overcome with all this more sadness, that cant be escaped, and is inevitable. And then they start thinking, well, think deeper, about there own death. and etc etc. Look at all this youve created just because you thought it would be great to raise a child? bring this little object into the world for your pleasure and entertainment. To occupy your dull life. Well lemme advise you this before you bring a shit load of pain into the world: Get a dog.
X was supposed to drop in to school sometime throughout the day. so Co op of course lasted fucking forever. So i got on the bus, blasted my billy talent and thought that in less than i dunno, 3 hours i would see him. So i got out of the bus, when straight to the english room, he wasnt there, went to my locker, then the caf. all this time looking the fuck around me and going only in the halways he would go through to get to the english office. So i see braydon, that annoying shit. and he told me he got his liscence so that was good. So then we go tot he english office and sit there, David and Randi come which was great, i havent spent lunch with Randi since last year. Fuck I miss that. So then class starts. As usual Kevals being a big dick which is what he probobly lacks so he makes up for it by being one. So anyway im like keep the door open keep the door open! he like doesnt say anything but closes the door. So the whole period im staring at the door to see through this 2 by 2 inch window. Fucking hell. So class ends, i talk to some people that have lockers right by the english office. NOthing. i wait a little longer after the bell rings. I go the long way so i go through the hall hed go through. no sign of anything. so i go to chemistry and forget about it because of the bullshit im learning.then i go to the 'washroom', take the attendance. I see a teacher monitering the halls and i have the attendance in my hands and im walking the fuck away from the attendance office. TWICE! funny. neway. walk around couple more times.. nope nothing. come back 5 more minutes of class, i forget what i did after but i did wait for him for a little bit. I was with braydon and he wanted to go home and he thought the car was there so i decided to go with him. if i didnt see braydon i woulda camped out at my locker which is in the middle of the hall hed have to take to get there. so as far as i know it he wasnt there through out the day. well no one i talked to saw him, teacherwise. sigh. dissapointment #1. and i so knew it was going to happen. I just hoped so much it would.maybe its better if i never see him again? get on with my life? i have to say it hasnt been too bad with out him. in that sense im taint free. dont have to worry about all that shit i worried about before, im not gonna list it all for the ghost readers. but for myself i know what they were. How i was around him, in the school. Like i was today but a little better. and ive forgotten how i felt for him, like when i talk to him on msn once, it was just a voice, words. i didnt picture where they were coming from and the history i felt for this man. it was weird. I still woulda liked to see him again. I got a nice hair cut, i was wearing nice clothes, it woulda been nice.
anywhoo. the concert:
i was so fucking tired. we get there, nates with his girlfriend, shes kinda a bitch but got better through out the nite.anyway, so paikens got mad and all whiny because he couldnt find a lighter. So he sits down and we all sit down and i feel myself on this outside. wow, thats so unlike me. so like i cant hear, i have trouble hearing people anyway, im sick of this shit im not gonna listen anymore. so i was fuckin sad. so i wasnt in the concert mood you know? and its so hard for me to get back in to that, happy, rocky, expressive person that can jump up and down and love the music thats goin on in the front. and so like that was a bad thing to happen before it started. that was the spark of my feeling left out, secluded, alone.. etc.. alright so the thing starts, its a fucking huge place. fucking old tall strong people there. huge crowd. im standing there with paiken i cant see a fucking thing, people are sweaty and touching me and i cant see. paikens jumping up and down im just like standing there barely nodding my head.. so im like fuck this i cant stand this, i squeeze my way to the back. meanwhile theres this fuckin 500 pund guy with his shirt off drenched in sweat behind me sorry to say pressed up against me.eww. it was gross. i wasnt used to that because the only other concert iw ent to was SNOW PATROL! it was gross. so (this is the embarassing part) iw as standing there and i couldnt help it. tears came out. i was feeling so incredibly shitty you cant believ.e so im like i cant do this here. so i went to the bathroom. cried there for about 10 minutes. the door was broken but it was clean and vacant so i went in there and held the door shut. god i wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and honest to god i wanted my mom. shes half way across the world right now in the unsafest place i can think of that she'll ever go. i was feeling like absolute shit. and before you laugh at me (too late) just realise. Im this small ass girl. fucking expecting so much more than to see nothing, hear the greatest music played the best way ive ever heard in my life, while sweaty people were all around me, and i just couldnt jump up and down, i could just nod my head. i felt like people were looking at me, i have to impress them.gotta own up to an image they have. but there were smaller people there than me.. i kept on thinking people having shittier times. anyway that was after i came out of the bathroom. i missed some good songs. so i came out stood in this spot that wasnt too bad, people passing you but it was ok. still could see shit. so then i moved up, was right behind the mosh pit, i had such an urge to go in there and get all my fucking anger and hostility out. but im like no way dude ill get fucking hurt. i kinda wanted that though. i wanted people to see this little girl bashing people and getting bashed in the mosh pit. but i didnt. i was feeling mush better tho. i caught some good songs. like 3.and i was jumping and wavin my hair. and i couldnt see very much up front alot of the time, so i was lookin around right, at the same people, and i was thinking, i should worry, people ARE looking at me, you think no ones looking at you but look, im looking at that guy. so someones looking at me. so like its just so tainted. so i guess 98% of the time i was feeling shitty, self contious, alone, sad. even before the show, i was on the outside, they were all talking. i didnt know who they were talking about, could barely here what. they were talking about girlfriends and boyfriends and sex and all that shit and so i didnt want to be like, what?> say that again? i know thats fuckin annoying. i felt to shitty before. jeeze. is it always gonna be like this? am i always going to feel left out? alone? i am. you know that? i am. theres no stopping it.
im walking down the street and i see this mother walking a stroler with her baby in it. Im thinking, sure its a great pleasure for you. but think of the person you have created. the sadness and pressure and self contiousness and awkwardness they will have to go through. You dont understand what you've done, you only see it from your side, the pleasure of rasing a child. That child has more than 1 dimension. its not just what you see, and you seeing that child as a thing you take care of. it feels inside of them all this shit that can never be understood by anyone else. tones of shit, that will never go away. And get worst as they grow older, and older, and then you die. And then most of the people they know die, or something happens to them and they are overcome with all this more sadness, that cant be escaped, and is inevitable. And then they start thinking, well, think deeper, about there own death. and etc etc. Look at all this youve created just because you thought it would be great to raise a child? bring this little object into the world for your pleasure and entertainment. To occupy your dull life. Well lemme advise you this before you bring a shit load of pain into the world: Get a dog.