Ranting and Raving...
Ok, I got a few requests from people who really wanted to see the private entry I mentioned the other night. And since I'm pretty sure the one person it really deals with doesn't bother to check my journal, I figure I can avoid any LJ fighting. If you think it's about you and you wanna talk or gimme an earful, grab me on messenger.
Be warned....Erica was ticked and very wordy when she wrote this.
For the past week or so I’ve been pondering what I like to call “real life” friends vs. “net” friends. I must distinguish the two…really because it makes things easier.
I have what I consider a close circle of friends, located in various places, that I have come to care about genuinely. The situation I now find myself in is that I fear that they do not feel the same. These are the people who, first of all, never call. What message does this communicate to someone? “I don’t care about what’s going on in your life enough to call. Thanks.” Or maybe that’s just the message that it sends to me. If that’s the case, at least it’s out there and everyone knows now. I’m not asking for a daily three hour conversation, I’m just asking you to pick up the damn phone and maybe - just maybe - dial my number once in awhile. For someone you consider a friend, I really don’t think it’s that hard.
I don’t know what the deal is, really. As far as I can see it, there are two options. 1) You always assume that I’ll be there, because I’m good old Erica and what else would I do? Or 2) You just don’t care enough to put out the effort. If the latter is the case, then perhaps you should let me know so we can end whatever façade of a relationship we have right now. Many of my friends are beginning to make me feel like that friend that you really like, but just can’t stand.
Confused? Allow me to explain.
This is the person that you genuinely like. Really. They’re a great person, but something about them is just SO annoying. Usually they try too hard or they’re just plain clingy. Now I know I’m not this friend, so being made to feel this way is seriously a crappy thing. If I call you, it’s because I care what’s going on in your life. How was your day? Everything alright? Maybe I just want to chat for a minute. For two people who are supposed to care about each other, I don’t see why that’s so hard. This is the busiest semester of my life….I have tons to do, from work to school to my health stuff, so I’m not buying the ‘I’m really busy’ line. Yeah, tough shit, so are a lot of people. But most of us, if we care for someone, make time to check on them. Call me while you’re fucking driving to work, I don’t care. That’s enough for me. At least it’s something, which is more than I’m getting from some of you lately.
The biggest thing has bugged me recently is my online friends and how I handle being upset with them. When I’m upset with my “real life” friends, I go to them and we deal with it head-on. I feel like I can’t do this with people I know online for fear of being taken out of context. The net is, after all, a different forum for emotional complexities. I don’t feel this is fair to the people who I have confronted with similar issues and I don’t feel like it’s helping me. So I’ve decided to send out a few e-mails in the coming days and just lay everything on the table.
I’m so tired and so stressed out….I’m worried about everything and scared about this surgery thing and….adulthood is so close I’m a bit panicky. And I assure you no one reading this knows any of that. Why? Because I talk to TWO people about serious things in my life outside of my family members. So if your name doesn’t start with a C or a G, it ain’t you, buddy. Thanks, friends!
Yes, I am a little bitter. Yes, my feelings are hurt. And if you want to be angry with me because of that, go ahead. But I’m entitled to this, I’m entitled to feel neglected by people that I make a special effort to have in my life. If you don’t want me around, fine, I promise you I can take it. Just tell me so I can stop trying.
I’m rapidly growing tired of trying.
I feel as though I should just stop calling people that don’t call me. Call it an experiment. Stop calling them and see just how long it takes for them to call me. Now, given that this is posted, that may speed up the process, but I wouldn’t expect to hear from anyone except those two people for probably…..I’d wager about a month. Maybe. If someone needed something. If they just happened to be in town.
I’m tired of being an afterthought.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I don’t matter.
And yes, I’m ranting. And yes, I hate people that do this on their own. I hate ‘boo hoo’ entries as I call them. But this is a journal, right? Ok, well, consider this my venting to a journal.
I’m so done right now.
Continue Dreaming
(Matt Nathanson)
I shouldn't need to wish that I am all I am not
I shouldn't need to always offer you my thoughts, but I do
And I've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain
And I've opened myself all up to you and felt the same
Please don't explain, just let me continue dreaming
You understand what hurts me but I was the one who made that known
And now it seems my time is over and I need some time alone
And I've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain
And I've opened myself all up to you and felt the same
Please don't explain, just let me continue dreaming
Why must I be affected
by the words of those who know not what they've said?
You're no longer someone I'll remember
but someone I'll regret.
Oh boy, off to class.
Be warned....Erica was ticked and very wordy when she wrote this.
For the past week or so I’ve been pondering what I like to call “real life” friends vs. “net” friends. I must distinguish the two…really because it makes things easier.
I have what I consider a close circle of friends, located in various places, that I have come to care about genuinely. The situation I now find myself in is that I fear that they do not feel the same. These are the people who, first of all, never call. What message does this communicate to someone? “I don’t care about what’s going on in your life enough to call. Thanks.” Or maybe that’s just the message that it sends to me. If that’s the case, at least it’s out there and everyone knows now. I’m not asking for a daily three hour conversation, I’m just asking you to pick up the damn phone and maybe - just maybe - dial my number once in awhile. For someone you consider a friend, I really don’t think it’s that hard.
I don’t know what the deal is, really. As far as I can see it, there are two options. 1) You always assume that I’ll be there, because I’m good old Erica and what else would I do? Or 2) You just don’t care enough to put out the effort. If the latter is the case, then perhaps you should let me know so we can end whatever façade of a relationship we have right now. Many of my friends are beginning to make me feel like that friend that you really like, but just can’t stand.
Confused? Allow me to explain.
This is the person that you genuinely like. Really. They’re a great person, but something about them is just SO annoying. Usually they try too hard or they’re just plain clingy. Now I know I’m not this friend, so being made to feel this way is seriously a crappy thing. If I call you, it’s because I care what’s going on in your life. How was your day? Everything alright? Maybe I just want to chat for a minute. For two people who are supposed to care about each other, I don’t see why that’s so hard. This is the busiest semester of my life….I have tons to do, from work to school to my health stuff, so I’m not buying the ‘I’m really busy’ line. Yeah, tough shit, so are a lot of people. But most of us, if we care for someone, make time to check on them. Call me while you’re fucking driving to work, I don’t care. That’s enough for me. At least it’s something, which is more than I’m getting from some of you lately.
The biggest thing has bugged me recently is my online friends and how I handle being upset with them. When I’m upset with my “real life” friends, I go to them and we deal with it head-on. I feel like I can’t do this with people I know online for fear of being taken out of context. The net is, after all, a different forum for emotional complexities. I don’t feel this is fair to the people who I have confronted with similar issues and I don’t feel like it’s helping me. So I’ve decided to send out a few e-mails in the coming days and just lay everything on the table.
I’m so tired and so stressed out….I’m worried about everything and scared about this surgery thing and….adulthood is so close I’m a bit panicky. And I assure you no one reading this knows any of that. Why? Because I talk to TWO people about serious things in my life outside of my family members. So if your name doesn’t start with a C or a G, it ain’t you, buddy. Thanks, friends!
Yes, I am a little bitter. Yes, my feelings are hurt. And if you want to be angry with me because of that, go ahead. But I’m entitled to this, I’m entitled to feel neglected by people that I make a special effort to have in my life. If you don’t want me around, fine, I promise you I can take it. Just tell me so I can stop trying.
I’m rapidly growing tired of trying.
I feel as though I should just stop calling people that don’t call me. Call it an experiment. Stop calling them and see just how long it takes for them to call me. Now, given that this is posted, that may speed up the process, but I wouldn’t expect to hear from anyone except those two people for probably…..I’d wager about a month. Maybe. If someone needed something. If they just happened to be in town.
I’m tired of being an afterthought.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I don’t matter.
And yes, I’m ranting. And yes, I hate people that do this on their own. I hate ‘boo hoo’ entries as I call them. But this is a journal, right? Ok, well, consider this my venting to a journal.
I’m so done right now.
Continue Dreaming
(Matt Nathanson)
I shouldn't need to wish that I am all I am not
I shouldn't need to always offer you my thoughts, but I do
And I've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain
And I've opened myself all up to you and felt the same
Please don't explain, just let me continue dreaming
You understand what hurts me but I was the one who made that known
And now it seems my time is over and I need some time alone
And I've opened myself up to the wrong and felt that pain
And I've opened myself all up to you and felt the same
Please don't explain, just let me continue dreaming
Why must I be affected
by the words of those who know not what they've said?
You're no longer someone I'll remember
but someone I'll regret.
Oh boy, off to class.