Sin
So I'm reminded constantly what a sinner I am. It's most unfortunate that I'm so weak, and because of my weakness I feel unqualified to receive praise for my perceived strengths. When people tell me that they look up to me or that they are encouraged by my faith, I want to tell them that if only they could see all of me, if they could know everything about me, that they would no longer respect me they way they do. I want to tell them to look up to other people, respect those deserving of respect, not me. Because the strengths that people think they see in me are not really there - at least most of them. I don't have an incredible faith, and I don't have "such a heart for God," as several people have told me I do - I have the desire to gain strength in and through Jesus, but I'm not strong in my faith yet by any means.
It's not as if I'm putting up a fascade and trying to trick everyone into seeing something that isn't really there. I'm not trying to fake anything and make others believe that I'm the strongest Christian out there. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that I am one of the weakest Christians I know. But it seems as though others often put up a fascade for me; they tell me how much they respect my faith and the way I live, even though they really have no basis for those comments. I suppose they see me at Crusade and get those ideas, but who doesn't appear to have strong faith at Crusade? Some people see me outside of Crusade as well, but how well can you judge someone's spiritual walk by hanging out with them occasionally? Of course I'm going to look like I've got it all together...'cause I'm trying! For whatever reason, I feel like others give me a fascade of strength that I don't want. I want people to know that I'm not strong, that I don't have a faith deserving of respect. I want everyone to know that I'm broken, weak, and sinful. I want people to know that I need prayer, and that, most of the time, I'm the one looking up to THEM! My spiritual life has gone through a long long drought reaching back probably 5 or 6 years, and I desperately want to break it. I made some huge steps in my spiritual journey at the Fall Retreat in September, but have sort of fallen asleep again. I want so badly to be set on fire and live my life the way God wants me to. I long to be in the place where someone can say, "I really look up to you and your heart for God," and I can just say thank you. For now, I'll just continue pointing them on to those more deserving of respect and admiration, with a prayer that I will one day be as strong as many already perceive me to be.
I don't want to sound as if I am sad or hopeless; on the contrary, I am happy that Jesus continually forgives me, and hopefull that with His help I can change! Please be praying for me, that I will live the life that God intended for me - each and every day!
It's not as if I'm putting up a fascade and trying to trick everyone into seeing something that isn't really there. I'm not trying to fake anything and make others believe that I'm the strongest Christian out there. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that I am one of the weakest Christians I know. But it seems as though others often put up a fascade for me; they tell me how much they respect my faith and the way I live, even though they really have no basis for those comments. I suppose they see me at Crusade and get those ideas, but who doesn't appear to have strong faith at Crusade? Some people see me outside of Crusade as well, but how well can you judge someone's spiritual walk by hanging out with them occasionally? Of course I'm going to look like I've got it all together...'cause I'm trying! For whatever reason, I feel like others give me a fascade of strength that I don't want. I want people to know that I'm not strong, that I don't have a faith deserving of respect. I want everyone to know that I'm broken, weak, and sinful. I want people to know that I need prayer, and that, most of the time, I'm the one looking up to THEM! My spiritual life has gone through a long long drought reaching back probably 5 or 6 years, and I desperately want to break it. I made some huge steps in my spiritual journey at the Fall Retreat in September, but have sort of fallen asleep again. I want so badly to be set on fire and live my life the way God wants me to. I long to be in the place where someone can say, "I really look up to you and your heart for God," and I can just say thank you. For now, I'll just continue pointing them on to those more deserving of respect and admiration, with a prayer that I will one day be as strong as many already perceive me to be.
I don't want to sound as if I am sad or hopeless; on the contrary, I am happy that Jesus continually forgives me, and hopefull that with His help I can change! Please be praying for me, that I will live the life that God intended for me - each and every day!