last
last week was full of tugs and pulls, of self-diagnosis and self-loathing.
everyone else's lasts...people finally started to agree with us juniors that yeah, it must suck. It must suck a lot. It gave validity to my insecurities about next year... but then there were the incredibly random ones who offered surprising pieces of advice. Tidbits that made me want to tell them to let me alone to pout until i realized the truth in it... Stutz rolled his eyes at my claim that next year would suck and told me it would be what i made it. Jessie Holly (of all people?) asked to borrow my sweatshirt last night and then told me that senior year was a very integral part of the whole experience, a fourth of the puzzle. All in all? I've come to terms that senior year isnt going to just disappear. Now I must decide how to deal with it.
I wonder if working at a medicinal testing facility makes me prone to self diagnosis, or if all these assumptions about myself wouldve surfaced sooner or later?
I think I must be socially anxious. Last night i just stared around and realized that our connections to the people at ryan's were all... random, distant, temporary and even missing. I felt more like a junior than i ever have, felt like the connections of boyfriends and friends boyfriends just weren't good enough. And i always feel out of place. I always want to leave early but make myself stay, as not to catch myself further into a web of social awkwardness. I want to be in a place where i am comfortable, not jealous and brooding, not biting my lip and wishing i were home. I want to be in a place that agrees with me. But such a place doesnt exist, is one of a few people. And while threes a crowd, four or five doesnt seem to be big enough and we find ourselves questioning social status, wondering, "where is everyone?"
I am grateful for Kelsea Polk, though. As Jessie made her rounds last night, interrogating people and giggling, she studied mine and Kelsea's faces for a long time, finally drawing the conclusion that we could be twins. It always upset me when people compared us, when we were dubbed identical. But for some reason it was comforting as she told us our faces were identical. It was comforting when she asked us if we were best friends and Kels said, without hesitation, "hell yeah. seventh grade, baby." While best friend can be a scathing phrase, whlie it can hurt like hell when it doesnt describe you, when it does? you feel important.
I've just had an up and down week. I've wanted to sit and update for you lovely readers, not wanting people to have to stare at the "I feel ugly" post forever. But every time i sat down it felt trivial, unimportant. On an unrelated note, here's my week in a LIST:
1. Colin and i had unspoken words on monday. where is the closure? the mending?
2. I dont remember Tuesday.
3. Yes i do. We photocopied for six hours and failed.
4. On Wednesday i was late to meet Colin and ran around the bathrooms by myself distributing little phamphlets of creativity. QUALITY man, it was quality over quantity.
5. Seniors last day? Felt very in the way, like walking to the Axe with Chole and Tory was disrupting some sort of symbolic last day.
6. Received most obsessive compulsive award. Have since begun to notice my tendancies more.
7. Wednesday evening? Felt like i was in Colin's way as he lived his last day with his seniors.
8. Wednesday night? Kelsea and I got very high.
9. I dont remember Thursday.
10. I actually dont.
11. On friday kels and i got caught being illegal and now we're banned from an unnamed store in springfield.
11a. got a goddamned parking ticket.
12. Tory and Chole had a magical mystical gathering of chocolate dipped strawberries and i felt lovely there. Like i was in my realm, somehow?
13. Went to TJs, it was strange.
14. Realised my bizarre appreciation, love, loathing, confusion, and desperation when it comes to Geni.
15. Saturday was an attempted pawning of clothes that ended in failure. And right after i decided to buy a pair of shoes at deluxe? Shelly Webb bought them so i sighed and walked away from them forever.
16. Graduation. A large man spilled into my seat as we made fun of... Rachel Enos' public speaking abilities and Rand's pronounciation. And realized we werent graduating.
17. ryan ritchies was weird. i should never get stoned. i dotn know if it eases the uneasiness or makes it glaringly worse.
18. is how old i think i'd like to be. and then stop getting older?
the end.