pardon me this is very typical and not very eloquent
all i feel is ugly. ugly feelings.
jealousy of all things best friends. i realised that i want every one of my friends to be best friend status and its even sadder that all i have is one by name. And it would probably offend other people if i even breathed the words.
jealousy of all things beautiful. which are often best friends.
resentment and defensiveness of people being angry and dissatisfied at/with me. i am NOT malicious. I am not a mean angry person i try my hardest to just take care of people and i try try to not be selfish. And quite a few people around me have never done anything anything that doesnt benefit themselves. Maybe its unwarranted, but where's the damn credit?
hurt at the alliances forming, theoretically against me. Whether anyone thinks about it that way or not is irrelevant because thats what my mind dwells on.
lonley that everyone is finished hanging out by the time i'm finally done with work. i want everyone to have a job so i'm not sitting in an office while its warm and fun at the park. That everyone else has a boyfriend or a kull to hang out with and i always feel like hanging out with nicole is forced, something that has to be worked into the schedules and worked around other people. I am not the most important persone in anyones life. if we played ultimatum games more? games like 'who would you marry if you had to be deported' or 'who would you save from a fire' i feel like i'd secretly be at the bottom of everyone's lists.
upset that i have to wonder whether or not i'm invited. I never wanted to be the person that everyone forgets to call and makes excuses to.
defeated, like i didnt try hard enough to make the loophole beautiful and now we have stacks of stapled papers and not the imagined masterpiece
lost now that the seniors are gone? and i feel silly that i'm so upset, like everyone else has more reason to be. I didnt lose a boyfriend. I'm not colin and i didnt lose my favourite person. but theres a void.
fucking angry that i was trying to staple last night before we fell asleep on the kitchen floor at work and someone couldnt understand that i was beyond busy. sometimes i think i just shouldnt pick up the phone. Im mad that hes mad. he shouldnt be mad.
and now that no one thinks i'm fun anymore i dont even want to bother with:
1. OCF
2. graduation
3. school
4. summer
5. tonight
6. tomorrow
some friendships become painful. all of a sudden. last week i thought someone was good for me, completely honest and willing to hurt together, willing to sit through all the fuck ups and understand that i'm not having a good time living either, because i would do the same. and now that its too hard, bowing out is the answer and i'm stuck at home with another "i'll call you when i'm done"
livejournal is a mixed bag. as much as i want to yell to everyone how i'm feeling sometimes its not a good idea to bring some things up.
so sorry. i'll probably end up deleting this one too.