fuck.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i am losing it. i can't make my relationship right. i am warped. i want so bad to be whole and not have these pyschological problems but i do. i want to be happy when i wake up. i don't want to fight with him. he is everything to me. but it seems that all he does is remind me that i fucked it up. that i am a pathological liar. that i have no sense of reality. that i am crazy. it inferioriates me so that i act even crazier. i don't know what to do. i can't live with him or without him. i have nothing else. i left everything behind to start again with him but he didn't even really want me to come. he wanted to leave me behind. and now it is worse than ever. and it is all my fault. i shouldn't have lied. i lied o nm y mothers grave about something completely petty. and now i am living in a hell i created. i do not want this. he thinks that i look for chaos and abuse- because of my past relationships. but this could not be further from the truth. i want him because he is everything that is good. he does not lie EVER. he does not decive me. why did i have to taint this? he keeps telling me that he doesn't need me and that he told me he never wanted a relationship. but i didn't listen and he says i never do. i guess i am just childish. i am too immature for a relationship and i am almost 26 years old. i don't know what to do but i really want to hurt myself or take 100 valiums and just give in. but i can't. i don't know what but i can't and i think it is because i love him. but he doesn't even believe in love...