nothing short of tragedy
I need help. I am going back to see a psychiatrist. Steph is helping me. I want to stop having these thoughts of hurting myself. or dying. or just negative anything. I want to stop being so unhappy and depressed. I have no reason to be either of them, yet I am. and have been for many years now.
I want to get over you fully; not just the relationship aspect. I want to stop thinking about you. and stop analyzing the things you say. I want a normal fucking friendship and I don't think that is remotely possibly.
I miss David so fucking much. it's been 10 years, so why is he still a major thought on my mind? I hear about people finding old friends on myspace, so I thought one day hey, I'll look for him. and with my luck, no where to be found. I drove to my old neighborhood the other night. sat in my car outside what is, or used to be, his house for about an hour beating myself up inside for letting him go so quickly. he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I often wondering if he stayed in Vermont with his dad or moved back here. I wonder what would our lives be like if he hadn't moved away. it took me a good three years to get over him. god. why do I always ruin the goods things in my life? I run away at the first sign of being hurt. I push people away when they get too close. why can't I just let someone in? why can't I get over these fears and trust people? why can't I be anyone but myself?
I miss the feeling of being close to Kaitlyn. but I don't miss her. I miss the feeling of trust, and someone always being there. someone who I can tell anything to and she won't judge me or get mad because I'm still friends with someone I shouldn't be. someone who will still stand by me when I make the hugest, dumbest mistakes regarding my own life. and someone who comes to me for all the same things.
two people who have meant more to me than anything else in the world, have fucked me up more than anything else in the world. I held on for so long because I was comfortable with the way we were. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of losing them.
I'm more afraid of myself than anything else. and that's pathetic if you ask me.
I want to get over you fully; not just the relationship aspect. I want to stop thinking about you. and stop analyzing the things you say. I want a normal fucking friendship and I don't think that is remotely possibly.
I miss David so fucking much. it's been 10 years, so why is he still a major thought on my mind? I hear about people finding old friends on myspace, so I thought one day hey, I'll look for him. and with my luck, no where to be found. I drove to my old neighborhood the other night. sat in my car outside what is, or used to be, his house for about an hour beating myself up inside for letting him go so quickly. he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I often wondering if he stayed in Vermont with his dad or moved back here. I wonder what would our lives be like if he hadn't moved away. it took me a good three years to get over him. god. why do I always ruin the goods things in my life? I run away at the first sign of being hurt. I push people away when they get too close. why can't I just let someone in? why can't I get over these fears and trust people? why can't I be anyone but myself?
I miss the feeling of being close to Kaitlyn. but I don't miss her. I miss the feeling of trust, and someone always being there. someone who I can tell anything to and she won't judge me or get mad because I'm still friends with someone I shouldn't be. someone who will still stand by me when I make the hugest, dumbest mistakes regarding my own life. and someone who comes to me for all the same things.
two people who have meant more to me than anything else in the world, have fucked me up more than anything else in the world. I held on for so long because I was comfortable with the way we were. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of losing them.
I'm more afraid of myself than anything else. and that's pathetic if you ask me.