The RL/NT muse lives on...
Fandom: Harry Potter
Title: To Youth and Love
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Tonks/Remus, but with Remus in denial.
Setting: Summer between OotP & HBP
Summary: Tonks is in L.A. to get away, but she can't escape the thought of him. Also a partial ode to the town I half-grew up in. Like all my shorter fics, it has not been BETA'd.
To Youth and Love
Tonks decided that the reason she liked Los Angeles was because it never really got dark. Sure, the sun set, but there was never real darkness when there were so many streetlamps illuminating the sky to a dusky orange visible at its rim. Even the stars were outshone by the lurid orange glow, for Tonks could not find a single one to wish upon.
The half-moon looked three times its usual size and was also an unnatural orange color. It served to remind Tonks that this was one less night with him, nights that were already limited in number by the full moon. Nights she did not necessarily spend with him but when she knew he was nearby, or at least nearer than the close to 6,000 miles that now separated the two.
Still, the warm night and its orange glow felt good on Tonks’ skin. She closed her eyes and smiled a bit at this city. She liked its lack of darkness because starlight was not enough to keep her from tripping. She liked its absence of modesty because it meant she fit right in. And she envied its feeling of falseness because she so desperately wished she could lie convincingly to herself.
Dumbledore had sent her here on “Order business” but she had too much free time for her not to be suspicious of his actual motives. He wanted to give her a break; she wanted to forget everything. Forget that Sirius was dead, that open war was raging in the wizarding community, that he, Remus Lupin, was not hers to protect, and that she was helpless to stop any of it.
So she wandered the streets, smiling impishly at cute boys who returned the gesture with plastic grins. She wanted to feel the youth she knew she must possess, but instead she felt tired and worn thin. Tonks tried to change her appearance in order to comfort herself, but only felt more stretched and fake, as if her lies were seeping through its mask. So she found refuge in the silent film cinema where she would tearfully watch old romances and wish things were as simple as this black and white love. And on Saturday nights, Tonks would find herself at the corner of Santa Monica and Gower where the old Hollywood Cemetery stood and where they showed screenings of old films projected onto the side of a building above an empty lawn, surrounded by the graves of old Hollywood starlettes and movie business big names. Muggles had gotten at least one thing right, Tonks thought wryly as she watched the moving image in front of her. It was Sunset Boulevard tonight. She sighed and briefly wished Remus was here, he would like this sort of thing, this sort of movie. He might even grace her with one of his rare smiles, rarer now with recent events.
Sirius had once told her how Lupin only ever had ruinous loves. Sirius, he had dispensable, passionate interludes. But Lupin would undergo emotional and physical pain for only so much as a glimpse at love. Tonks had told Sirius this information about “passionate interludes” had been more than she wanted to know and so the subject was closed. But it struck a note in her; she’d never had a great and ruinous love. And now that she did, she wasn’t sure she wanted it.
The palm trees and mausoleums stood as black silhouettes against the orangeblueblack sky and Tonks searched for stars in vain. Just one to wish on, she begged. But none appeared so she settled on a satellite and wished she could stop loving him.
Title: To Youth and Love
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Tonks/Remus, but with Remus in denial.
Setting: Summer between OotP & HBP
Summary: Tonks is in L.A. to get away, but she can't escape the thought of him. Also a partial ode to the town I half-grew up in. Like all my shorter fics, it has not been BETA'd.
To Youth and Love
Tonks decided that the reason she liked Los Angeles was because it never really got dark. Sure, the sun set, but there was never real darkness when there were so many streetlamps illuminating the sky to a dusky orange visible at its rim. Even the stars were outshone by the lurid orange glow, for Tonks could not find a single one to wish upon.
The half-moon looked three times its usual size and was also an unnatural orange color. It served to remind Tonks that this was one less night with him, nights that were already limited in number by the full moon. Nights she did not necessarily spend with him but when she knew he was nearby, or at least nearer than the close to 6,000 miles that now separated the two.
Still, the warm night and its orange glow felt good on Tonks’ skin. She closed her eyes and smiled a bit at this city. She liked its lack of darkness because starlight was not enough to keep her from tripping. She liked its absence of modesty because it meant she fit right in. And she envied its feeling of falseness because she so desperately wished she could lie convincingly to herself.
Dumbledore had sent her here on “Order business” but she had too much free time for her not to be suspicious of his actual motives. He wanted to give her a break; she wanted to forget everything. Forget that Sirius was dead, that open war was raging in the wizarding community, that he, Remus Lupin, was not hers to protect, and that she was helpless to stop any of it.
So she wandered the streets, smiling impishly at cute boys who returned the gesture with plastic grins. She wanted to feel the youth she knew she must possess, but instead she felt tired and worn thin. Tonks tried to change her appearance in order to comfort herself, but only felt more stretched and fake, as if her lies were seeping through its mask. So she found refuge in the silent film cinema where she would tearfully watch old romances and wish things were as simple as this black and white love. And on Saturday nights, Tonks would find herself at the corner of Santa Monica and Gower where the old Hollywood Cemetery stood and where they showed screenings of old films projected onto the side of a building above an empty lawn, surrounded by the graves of old Hollywood starlettes and movie business big names. Muggles had gotten at least one thing right, Tonks thought wryly as she watched the moving image in front of her. It was Sunset Boulevard tonight. She sighed and briefly wished Remus was here, he would like this sort of thing, this sort of movie. He might even grace her with one of his rare smiles, rarer now with recent events.
Sirius had once told her how Lupin only ever had ruinous loves. Sirius, he had dispensable, passionate interludes. But Lupin would undergo emotional and physical pain for only so much as a glimpse at love. Tonks had told Sirius this information about “passionate interludes” had been more than she wanted to know and so the subject was closed. But it struck a note in her; she’d never had a great and ruinous love. And now that she did, she wasn’t sure she wanted it.
The palm trees and mausoleums stood as black silhouettes against the orangeblueblack sky and Tonks searched for stars in vain. Just one to wish on, she begged. But none appeared so she settled on a satellite and wished she could stop loving him.