Falling to the American Tragedy
At this point in the game, as career go-time gets closer and closer, I'm becoming more apprehensive about what my future is going to be like.
I've said a lot of things, all of them true, about what I want to do. I've said I want to generate great wealth and finance a rich asshole lifestyle, or support my friends in the arts, or fund art projects that I am into. I've said all sorts of things that I would do. But I wonder if I'm going to get trapped into a hollow career, or as I make money whether I will be struck with a fear that I'll never have enough, maybe I'll just start to medicate myself with riches and just buy playthings. I also worry that I've wasted a lot of my young years. In high school I trudged around in this state of constant overseriousness, I burned a year "helping" Michio when it amounted to a whole lot of wasted time, Hofstra was just a shitty place, and now I almost feel like I spend too much time trying to live 3 completely different lifestyles in studying, socializing, and taking care of myself.
I wonder if my idealism and good intentions won't turn into something else maybe into a flat-out rejection of everything I have now for the sake of protecting myself. I definitely feel struck by a lot of naivete, obliviousness, and helplessness. I think things will ultimately turn out OK, but I never planned for OK I planned for exceptional, and chasing that is bewildering. A life well spent. Trying to find out what that means for me is all I've been doing instead of actually living it. It sucks balls.
Maybe it's just time to stop giving a shit.
I've said a lot of things, all of them true, about what I want to do. I've said I want to generate great wealth and finance a rich asshole lifestyle, or support my friends in the arts, or fund art projects that I am into. I've said all sorts of things that I would do. But I wonder if I'm going to get trapped into a hollow career, or as I make money whether I will be struck with a fear that I'll never have enough, maybe I'll just start to medicate myself with riches and just buy playthings. I also worry that I've wasted a lot of my young years. In high school I trudged around in this state of constant overseriousness, I burned a year "helping" Michio when it amounted to a whole lot of wasted time, Hofstra was just a shitty place, and now I almost feel like I spend too much time trying to live 3 completely different lifestyles in studying, socializing, and taking care of myself.
I wonder if my idealism and good intentions won't turn into something else maybe into a flat-out rejection of everything I have now for the sake of protecting myself. I definitely feel struck by a lot of naivete, obliviousness, and helplessness. I think things will ultimately turn out OK, but I never planned for OK I planned for exceptional, and chasing that is bewildering. A life well spent. Trying to find out what that means for me is all I've been doing instead of actually living it. It sucks balls.
Maybe it's just time to stop giving a shit.