(no subject)
I feel so restless and eager but nervous and scared.
I want to get out of here so fast, but I don't want to go to Gainesville at all at the same time. I want to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep, wake up one year later and have everything be just as it is and just as it should be.
Last year I felt really good about going into the new school year, this year I feel really nervous. I'm scared for everything that's coming with it. Funny thing is, the least I'm afraid of is school itself. Somehow in the last 12 hours of my life I've started to panic ridiculous amounts about how things are going. I have everything I want right now, and new years always bring some kind of change- I don't want to lose any of what I have.
I feel really distressed that I am starting to feel some distance between me and jason. Everything is fine, we still have yet to have an actual fight and its been almost a year- but sometimes I feel like I don't have a place in his new life in Singapore. I know that he goes to class and frisbee a lot, but aside from that, everything he experiences he kind of tells me at the last minute/after its happened and is so matter of fact that I feel like when he talks to me its as if he's catching up with his parents or something. It was different when he was in Boston. He was far, but accessible. It wasn't impossible to talk to him/text him any time of day or night. We both visited and became invested in each others lives. We became friends with each others friends. But it's impossible for that to happen when he's all the way across the world. Everyone he mentions is a stranger to me and a lot of the things he tells me he does are just like "oh yeah, thats cool." We talk every day and we emailed a hell of a lot while I was in Peru, and things seemed fine and I wasn't worried about a thing then, but for some reason when I talked to him today for the first time over the phone in a week and a half, it seemed so dreamlike and as if I could have been talking to a complete stranger. For the first couple of minutes, I felt so weird. I felt like i was chatting with an old friend that I hadn't talked to in years. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to drift and I don't want to lose him and I don't want to cling. I just want to be able to rush into his arms and know that everything will be okay and my world won't collapse again...And I want to know it sooner than December rolling around. It's only been a month, I still have over 3 to go till he comes home. I'm afraid it will all fall apart, but i'm even more afraid that it will fall apart for the sole reason that I'm so afraid.
I'm scared about living with friends for the first time in my life, I'm scared my life will turn into a joke like the Hills. Everyone i felt close with before I feel so distant from, and people who I never really felt close with before I do now.
Everything scares me right now and I wish I could find some order in all of it and be as strong as I've become lately. On the other hand, I wish I could let the guard down that I built around my heart a few years ago and stop blocking people out and protecting myself from everyone and everything. I've been raised to always be cautious and be aware of the bad in everyone, and I finally learned to abide by that a couple of years ago, but I feel like I've come to a point where that influence sometimes makes me see more of the bad than the good.
Maybe I would feel a little better about things and not be so paranoid if I wasn't going on half an hour of sleep in the past 48 hours.
I want to get out of here so fast, but I don't want to go to Gainesville at all at the same time. I want to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep, wake up one year later and have everything be just as it is and just as it should be.
Last year I felt really good about going into the new school year, this year I feel really nervous. I'm scared for everything that's coming with it. Funny thing is, the least I'm afraid of is school itself. Somehow in the last 12 hours of my life I've started to panic ridiculous amounts about how things are going. I have everything I want right now, and new years always bring some kind of change- I don't want to lose any of what I have.
I feel really distressed that I am starting to feel some distance between me and jason. Everything is fine, we still have yet to have an actual fight and its been almost a year- but sometimes I feel like I don't have a place in his new life in Singapore. I know that he goes to class and frisbee a lot, but aside from that, everything he experiences he kind of tells me at the last minute/after its happened and is so matter of fact that I feel like when he talks to me its as if he's catching up with his parents or something. It was different when he was in Boston. He was far, but accessible. It wasn't impossible to talk to him/text him any time of day or night. We both visited and became invested in each others lives. We became friends with each others friends. But it's impossible for that to happen when he's all the way across the world. Everyone he mentions is a stranger to me and a lot of the things he tells me he does are just like "oh yeah, thats cool." We talk every day and we emailed a hell of a lot while I was in Peru, and things seemed fine and I wasn't worried about a thing then, but for some reason when I talked to him today for the first time over the phone in a week and a half, it seemed so dreamlike and as if I could have been talking to a complete stranger. For the first couple of minutes, I felt so weird. I felt like i was chatting with an old friend that I hadn't talked to in years. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to drift and I don't want to lose him and I don't want to cling. I just want to be able to rush into his arms and know that everything will be okay and my world won't collapse again...And I want to know it sooner than December rolling around. It's only been a month, I still have over 3 to go till he comes home. I'm afraid it will all fall apart, but i'm even more afraid that it will fall apart for the sole reason that I'm so afraid.
I'm scared about living with friends for the first time in my life, I'm scared my life will turn into a joke like the Hills. Everyone i felt close with before I feel so distant from, and people who I never really felt close with before I do now.
Everything scares me right now and I wish I could find some order in all of it and be as strong as I've become lately. On the other hand, I wish I could let the guard down that I built around my heart a few years ago and stop blocking people out and protecting myself from everyone and everything. I've been raised to always be cautious and be aware of the bad in everyone, and I finally learned to abide by that a couple of years ago, but I feel like I've come to a point where that influence sometimes makes me see more of the bad than the good.
Maybe I would feel a little better about things and not be so paranoid if I wasn't going on half an hour of sleep in the past 48 hours.