(no subject)
I'm reaching a point where I feel like I might be too happy and comfortable with things and that things just don't phase me.
While I'm really happy and ecstatic to have Jason in my life- I wonder sometimes if it really is too good to be true. We don't fight at all and I'm always smiling and happy to hear from him and to see him. I sincerely hope it'll last and that it never has to end- but deep down sometimes I wonder if we do have an expiration date. I never really believed in long distance relationships, but I've been with him for almost 10 months now and there hasn't been a problem yet; and I've fallen so hard for him. It just really scares me that it'll be years before we could actually be together. He'll be in Singapore for the fall, and then back to Harvard in the spring and again for his senior year. And then what? I'm most likely going to stay here for pharmacy school if I get accepted, and he says he wants to come here for law, but I don't know how seriously to take him when he says that. I don't want him to base his decision on me obviously, but I really wonder if we could make it another 3 additional years being god knows how far apart. A lot can happen in all that time apart. And if he does come here, that could still change everything just like it did when emy and I started going to the same school. He really has grown to be my best friend and my other half and all that corny stuff. Everything he says and does makes me wonder what I did to deserve such a wonderful guy. I can't see any bad in him and I never feel the need to pick a fight. I cry randomly at the thought of how happy he makes me and I'm scared at the thought of how heartbroken I'd be if he ever left. While I don't want to have to keep my guard up and I want to be able to love him as much as I do, sometimes I feel like I should be holding back and keeping an eye out for myself. He doesn't have the best track record with girls and I've chosen to ignore that- all his friends keep telling me how much he cares for me and that they've never seen him so happy, that he's so lucky to have me etc etc, and they're all people whose judgment I trust. He's nothing but good to me, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him- so I've never doubted him. But every now and then I wonder if it's possible that one day he'll have a change of heart and will break my heart just like he did to the others. I don't see it in him at all, and I do believe that he's grown and learned from his mistakes, but I can't help but wonder what my future holds with him. I always wondered how I didn't see all the signs with emy, and I'm scared that I shouldn't be so quick to forget his past. He seems just as helplessly in love with me as I am with him- a lot of the time moreso even, so it's hard for me to imagine it ever changing- but I guess it's always that way, you never see it coming. I'm scared of being let down again. It took me so long to come to terms and get over emy- I can't even imagine how it would be if I had to do that all over again.
It takes a huge leap of faith to jump into a long distance relationship from the start, and I took it. I don't regret it, I'm really happy with where that decision has brought me. I just hope that I don't ever have to look back and think to myself, "how did I ever think that would really last?" I might even be the most ridiculous girl alive to even have these kinds of thoughts when I'm in a perfect relationship where there isn't one thing wrong- but I've learned that you do have to look out for yourself at all costs because things just aren't always what you think they are. The little girl inside is praying that this is it, though. I daydream and smile at the thought of us together- the image is so perfect and it seems so reachable to me.
I guess it's good that I realize all these things and I understand that nothing is set in stone, but for now I'm just going to enjoy all the happiness he brings into my life because no one's ever made me smile as much as he does. I'll take this all with a grain of salt and hope for the best but understand that the worst can come too.
School is draining, but I'm not worried about it like I used to be. I keep hearing about people getting into pharmacy school here day after day and it makes me wonder if it's really as hard as I thought it was to get in. I'm busting my butt with school semester after semester, and starting to wonder what it's all for. Thursday Andrew pointed out to me that I was on campus from 7:30 am until 10:45 at night- it didn't even occur to be and I didn't feel that tired really. I've been drowning in physics and physiology, studying for the PCAT's, working in the orgo lab and on the FDA research project in the pharmacy school. While yes, these things are important in progressing towards my future, I feel like my life is passing me by at times. I never get to see my friends, and this does genuinely upset me. Jason's home for the summer and I feel like I'm passing up the opportunity to see him as much as I can before he leaves for Singapore in the fall. It worries me that I won't have a real break from school until next summer, but I guess you do what you have to do.
While I'm really happy and ecstatic to have Jason in my life- I wonder sometimes if it really is too good to be true. We don't fight at all and I'm always smiling and happy to hear from him and to see him. I sincerely hope it'll last and that it never has to end- but deep down sometimes I wonder if we do have an expiration date. I never really believed in long distance relationships, but I've been with him for almost 10 months now and there hasn't been a problem yet; and I've fallen so hard for him. It just really scares me that it'll be years before we could actually be together. He'll be in Singapore for the fall, and then back to Harvard in the spring and again for his senior year. And then what? I'm most likely going to stay here for pharmacy school if I get accepted, and he says he wants to come here for law, but I don't know how seriously to take him when he says that. I don't want him to base his decision on me obviously, but I really wonder if we could make it another 3 additional years being god knows how far apart. A lot can happen in all that time apart. And if he does come here, that could still change everything just like it did when emy and I started going to the same school. He really has grown to be my best friend and my other half and all that corny stuff. Everything he says and does makes me wonder what I did to deserve such a wonderful guy. I can't see any bad in him and I never feel the need to pick a fight. I cry randomly at the thought of how happy he makes me and I'm scared at the thought of how heartbroken I'd be if he ever left. While I don't want to have to keep my guard up and I want to be able to love him as much as I do, sometimes I feel like I should be holding back and keeping an eye out for myself. He doesn't have the best track record with girls and I've chosen to ignore that- all his friends keep telling me how much he cares for me and that they've never seen him so happy, that he's so lucky to have me etc etc, and they're all people whose judgment I trust. He's nothing but good to me, and he's never given me any reason not to trust him- so I've never doubted him. But every now and then I wonder if it's possible that one day he'll have a change of heart and will break my heart just like he did to the others. I don't see it in him at all, and I do believe that he's grown and learned from his mistakes, but I can't help but wonder what my future holds with him. I always wondered how I didn't see all the signs with emy, and I'm scared that I shouldn't be so quick to forget his past. He seems just as helplessly in love with me as I am with him- a lot of the time moreso even, so it's hard for me to imagine it ever changing- but I guess it's always that way, you never see it coming. I'm scared of being let down again. It took me so long to come to terms and get over emy- I can't even imagine how it would be if I had to do that all over again.
It takes a huge leap of faith to jump into a long distance relationship from the start, and I took it. I don't regret it, I'm really happy with where that decision has brought me. I just hope that I don't ever have to look back and think to myself, "how did I ever think that would really last?" I might even be the most ridiculous girl alive to even have these kinds of thoughts when I'm in a perfect relationship where there isn't one thing wrong- but I've learned that you do have to look out for yourself at all costs because things just aren't always what you think they are. The little girl inside is praying that this is it, though. I daydream and smile at the thought of us together- the image is so perfect and it seems so reachable to me.
I guess it's good that I realize all these things and I understand that nothing is set in stone, but for now I'm just going to enjoy all the happiness he brings into my life because no one's ever made me smile as much as he does. I'll take this all with a grain of salt and hope for the best but understand that the worst can come too.
School is draining, but I'm not worried about it like I used to be. I keep hearing about people getting into pharmacy school here day after day and it makes me wonder if it's really as hard as I thought it was to get in. I'm busting my butt with school semester after semester, and starting to wonder what it's all for. Thursday Andrew pointed out to me that I was on campus from 7:30 am until 10:45 at night- it didn't even occur to be and I didn't feel that tired really. I've been drowning in physics and physiology, studying for the PCAT's, working in the orgo lab and on the FDA research project in the pharmacy school. While yes, these things are important in progressing towards my future, I feel like my life is passing me by at times. I never get to see my friends, and this does genuinely upset me. Jason's home for the summer and I feel like I'm passing up the opportunity to see him as much as I can before he leaves for Singapore in the fall. It worries me that I won't have a real break from school until next summer, but I guess you do what you have to do.