(no subject)
I'm just waiting until i go to work. I had early release today and ended up hangin out with Noah. But things were really wierd today. Usually everything is fine and we're both just having a good time, but lately he's been acting really wierd and he won't admit that something is off. And I duno him being in a wierd mood put me in a wierd mood. and I've just noticed a lot lately that he can be a dick or wierd or not care whenever he wants but as soon as i start to act like that, he acts as if I'm the biggest bitch in the world. Like the other day he started telling me about how him and the guys were up at the mall picking up chicks when me and him were suposed to be hangin out, and it kinda bothered me that he not only ditched our plans but that he was makin it such a point to make me jealous that he was lookin at other girls, but today in the car some guy waved at me and i jokingly said Oh hey, that guy just waved at me. And he got all mad but when i told him it bothered me a little the other day, he acted as if there was no reason i should be upset. but he can be? it seems that he's only nice to me when he wants something. Whether that being food, a ride, something to do, sex...whatever. I guess it's always been that way, but I'm starting to really realize it. All he does is take take take, but he never wants to give anything back. All i ask of him is to be nice to me all the time. And he can't even do that. He kept telling me to smile today because i seemed upset, which i was a little bit, not mad just a lot on my mind..but he kept trying to make stupid faces and do stupid shit to make me laugh, and i wouldnt and i told him, that doing that stuff isnt what will make me happy when im upset, he has to be nice to me. And he doesnt even realize that he's not nice to me all the time. I mean how can you say fucked up shit, and be an ass and not even realize it?! honestly...I put up with so much shit, i just need to get the strength to give up on everything with him. I was hoping for friendship but even now, it's more than that...and more isnt working. It just makes things more complicated than they were before we broke up. I love him to death, but I don't deserve to be treated that way. I may not be the best person in the world. but nobody deserves to be toyed with the way he toys with me. Today when i was thinking, he kept scooting closer to me and laying his head on my lap and touching my leg and tried to get me to kiss him, and usually i would, but i dont know...just the way he is sometimes is so fucked up i didn't even want to look at him today. And I'm so weak because i will gain all this power while im away from him, and I will be ready to just end it, but if he calls me and is in a nice mood, I'll give in and give him anohter chance..It's a repeating process..I want so badly for things to just be okay for us to hang out, but i know that will never happen, he can't give me what i want, and I can't stop caring. We expect each other to be somone we're not and its not fair. Somehow i need to end this...but im too scared. I have no one else. I have made myself dependent on him. I hate being such a weak person. My insecurities have got the best of me once again.