(Untitled)

[shadowycorner]

Comments

I don't know.

[she_opened]

There's nothing original about this, sort of making it sound as a made-for-TV-movie with violins playing in the background. Similarly I wasn't convinced that this was an old woman speaking; to me it sounded more like a teenager beginning to question their existence. Although the grammar's good enough and the narrative is clear and coherent, it's cliche. I'll have to say, "undecided," because I do think you have potential, only you just need to develop your ideas and experiment more. You say this is one of your first stories and therefore I'm sure you've improved. Could you show an exert of one of your more recent works? I'd find it helpful. Otherwise I'd have to say no unfortunately.

Ehh..

[petalsoflilac]

I agree with she_opened. The old woman didn't really have an older voice...and there was something else that really bothered me. I think it was your diction, but I'd like to wait to vote until I see another example too.

[lunatic59]

I agrre with she_opened about the subject matter. It was overly simplified and i doubt a 67 year old woma would have such a shallow perception of her youth, residence and the death of her husband. I disagree about the structure however. The first thing that stuck me was the problematic vocabulary.

My life was so perplexed and full of unbelieving moments, losses, findings, ups and downs.

Life cannot be perplexed since life does not think. It can be perplexing, however. Moments also don't believe anything and therefore cannot be unbelieving. You mean unbelievable moments. "Findings"? Do you mean discoveries? OK, poor word choice, but I suppose technically it is acceptable. But, the list has a problem. "Ups and downs" is one thing, so the "and" in that phrase cannot be used to end the list. If i were to correct the sentence I would probalby suggest it read this way:

My life was so perplexing, full of unbelievable moments, losses, discoveries, and ups and downs.

Next sentence

People also say that we’ll find the real happiness when we find

[shadowycorner]

Sure, thanks for pointing it all out. I appreciate it. Really. And now I see that the old woman really didn't sound like an old woman. Thanks to all of you for this, it helped me.

Yes

[midnite_tempest]

The above comment really demonstrates your potential. You're willing to take constructive criticism, and admit when you've made a mistake. I'm going to vote 'Yes' because I think you can learn a lot here.

Re: Yes

[shadowycorner]

Thank you, I really can learn a lot here and I will deifinitely watch out for this community and when the time will be right...maybe I'll apply again! But for now I have to concentrate on getting better. Thanks anyway. :)

[dspin]

I think that you should fix the grammatical problems with this piece before anything else. You have a lot of dangling modifiers. You also have a lot of verb tense disagreements. You switch between past and present tense a lot throughout the piece.

Sorry, but I gotta say no.
Please try again though!

[shadowycorner]

I will, for sure. Yes the tense is my enemy. I try to watch out for it, but I never seem to get it right. Well, the only way to get it right is to learn, learn and learn. Thank you for your help.