how did we get here?
I guess I just have a lot to say right now, it's probably all going to come out a mess, but it's been awhile since I really let things out the right way.
"Seems like it's Always Midnight,
Sweeping up broken glass after every fight
With the sound of a train
that I could've been on
Reminding me that the last one's gone.
With you,
It's always midnight.
are you blind, can't you see me here waiting in line,
for you?
are you blind, can't you tell me what i'm waiting to find?
I don't want to be alone at midnight anymore,
I don't want to be afride of midnight anymore."
-The perfect song at the perfect moment for me at least right now.
Since i'm having a hard time right now really getting at it and all. Clearly. I'm just sick and tired of chasing after clousure. So much of my life will forever be left open. I loved you, with all of my heart and my soul. I loved you for your faults, your mistakes, and your charm and wit when you realized you may have messed up. I cared for you, and I desprately, I mean I was desprate, for all of you. And you broke me, in the end, you just didn't want me, you just didn't need me like I needed you. As much as i'd like to admit there is nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back, I can think of one thing thats worse. One thing that is absoulte, dreadful and has scared me half to death. Loving someone that doesn't love you back, and still loving them anyways. That I find is so much worse than just having a heartache. There was once a time where i'd do anything to go back to the comfort of your arms. Sometimes I think if given the chance I still would. I yearn for your touch so often still. But, I'm okay without it, in fact, I'm better without it. I think in the end all we really have is ourselves.
People will always argue with me. They will continue to point to all their family and friends who have picked them up when they have fallen. Picked them up when it hurt so bad they couldn't move, when they couldn't breathe it hurt so bad. These people, they picked them up. They went outside of their little world to be present in yours. Just for the moment et they were yours. After they feel they have helped you and feel you are at a higher standard of "well being" these people, they go back into their world, respectfully and return back to who they used to be. Who they will always be.
But... my problem exactly, they go back. Who are these people to say when it is safe for them to return. How can they truly judge something as limitless as human heartache and longing? Nobody could ever judge something with so many capabilities without messing up here and there. Truth of the matter is, when they leave and return to their lifes, you will most likely still be hurting. your heart will have swollen five times it's size in order to keep pumping, your soul has reached it's limits months ago, yet contiunes to streach endlessly. you are at wits ends, litearally. And these people, they just left you. They left you all alone, just when they thought it was safe.
And if you don't think it can happen to you, it can, and it most likely will. And Bless your heart if this never happens. If you always have someone who understands exactly what you need at that present moment, you must be pretty lucky... and probably living on another planet for that matter. All we have is ourselves in the end, in the very least, it's our will to keep inhaling and exhaling that keeps us each individually alive. If we wern't meant to be alone, we would always be born in pairs.
There I go again with my tangents. Look what you make me do. Overthink all this just to come back with the same conclusion. I am alone. Completely alone, and the one person who was never supposted to leave me, died way before you could ever crush me like this. you crushed me when I was already flattened years before, yet, I can't be angry with you. For you were honnest, and that is only something I can admire and respect, and love, more.
I'm sick of being left. I've offically reached the point in my life I have been dreading. I knew it would happen, but yet I didn't expect it to be this painful. (So painful it's hard to find words worth any meaning to express it, making me revert to things I'd rather not discuss. But they most likely will come up later) Anyways, I knew a time would come when everyone would once again assume I have my life undercontrol. They figure because they have suffered a loss and moved on, that I have too. that everything is once again rainbows and butterflies for me again.
Everything hurts the same. The same as that day, the days before it and the days that are to come. It's all constant, and it's all the same. When I say it hurts worse today than other days i'm just frankly lying. Who am I kidding, Losing you hurts everyday all the same. you left me, you wern't strong enough. you were weak, and made a horrible choice, and I will never forgive you. Ever, but I will contiune to see the good thorugh the darkness. I will learn to love through the blackend skies and see the sun. I must, you would want that for me. Well, better, I think you would really want me to want that for myself.
So everyone has moruned and moved on, and I'm stuck. Stuck alone, crushed two times over and back again. And alone. Worried my soulmate has already passed me by. Worried sick about where I am headed in this crazy word. I'm even worried about being worried in general. Worried and alone. Stuck, sad, angry. Mostly just alone though. I have taken tonight to do some serious thinking, and I know I need to start being honest with myself more. I must do better, and be tough. I can't go back to who I used to be, she was just as sad as I am now at the moment, and I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I can't resort to things that once made me feel comfort, because honestly, they just can't comfort me the way they used too. Nothing can comfort me like it used to, and that worries me sick. That the old ways of coping are now just leaving me stuck in a rut again.
I really hope nobod is reading this. I know livejournal is dead and thats why i'm writing this here, just so I can put my thoughts on record, I really don't think this is meant to be read or analzed or would most people even begin to grasp what I am talking about in here; and the thing that aches the most, the two people I want to read this, to really know how I am feeling. Won't. One won't because he doesn't bother, and the other is dead. I am alone. We are all alone sometimes, someday. It's life and i'm living. It's pain and i'm greving, it's sadness and i'm smiling. It's laughter and i'm hurting. It's heartache, but it's life. Live on.
.