opalescent
in
__vam
(no subject)
Title: This Void.
Pairing: Vam.
Rating: NC-17.
Summery: Between bed-posts and drunken mornings with hushed tones, Ville feels a void that doesn't seem to disappear no matter what he does. How can one person change that? And how can Ville open up to him with his past?
Disclaimer: I don't own Ville, but I do own a copy of a him cd that I make-out with cherish. So.. 1, 2, don't sue!
---
I've had this done awhile ago but my BETA hasn't been online in 3 days so I waited, and she still hasn't come online so I said Fuck it, there can't be too many errors, right?
Here it is, tell me what you think. XD
One
I am: hurt, desolated, numb, shut off from humanity, depressed and not wanting to let go of memories even though they strain my eyes and tear my heart open. Nights filled with tears at a young age, an unwanted preditor standing over me and causing my skin to burn under each touch. The unforgiving act that broke the special bond between a father and a son. It's all too difficult to think about and to accept. I promised myself I wouldn't turn into him and im frightened i've already started. I fear i've become that dishonest drunk he was when I was just a kid trying to find solace in a closet filled with the musk scent of rotting walls. I've spent my nights wandering the streets and sleeping with random woman, telling them for a night I'd love them if they stayed with me. Treated me nice, said pretty words and kissed me lightly. I've become something I never wanted to be and I need to fill this void that creeps up in the middle of the night when a nameless girl sleeps soundly beside me, her naked breasts moving up and down, dancing to her breathing pattern. Somewhere in between broken ribs and bloddy lips, I lost a hero and I became someone I feared all my life. You. Im just happy I dont have a kid that I can pass it on to.
It's hard to focus on certain things when everything around you swirls and moves in irratic motions and you can't regain that amount of consciousness that everyone else seems to have. When the people you were close to are gone and living somewhere, staying in connection with everyone besides you, and you just feel left out, alone and scared. The days go by slow and the nights are even slower, the lack of sleep and the overwhelming amount of alcohol seems to stretch it out a bit more. I have people in my life who are on the outside. They were are my friends, but we drifted. We have taken time off since the album is done being recorded, and tomorrow is the first tiem in 3 months i'll see them. We're going to be doing a concert and debuting our new single 'killing loneliness". Their numbers are still on my cell, their pictures still framed in my room. But I haven't talked to them in weeks. I admit I miss them, especially at 4 in the afternoon when they would come over and have a few beers and we would watch the news or search the internet for stupid rumors that could be going on about us. It makes me nervous. Like they're going to appear out of thin air... and suddenly hate me. But I'm still too shy and socially inept to call them, be casual and say "Hey, how's it goin?" Because I'm awkward, and drunk. There is too much stuff circling around inside of me and it doesn't get realesed becuase at the age of 12 I learned that not everything needs to be said and you don't have to cry even though you feel like it, becuase big boys arn't afraid of anything. They're tough and resiliant. Strong and unbreakable. Raped and beaten, treated unfairly and locked away for days.
It's now 6am and I'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling, the clammy arm of some random woman I picked up is in contact with my arm. Her blonde hair is askew, covering both pillows and her breasts are steadily rising and falling with each breath she takes. Sometimes during the night I visualize wrapping my arms around her, breathing in her sweat and whatever brand of perfume it was I picked up on when she hugged me in the bar. Whatever it was it smelled lovely and reminded me of my mother in a strange way. She's treated me kindly tonight and as always I thank her for that. I like anyone who gives me the time of day. But then again, its not many becuase I push them all away. But sometimes in the middle of a drink i'll think of smothering her. Screaming becuase I was so weak to fall and fuck her. How sad is it when this is what my life is consisted of? Drunken nights and naked woman. Migrane mornings and whispered goodbyes. She'll give me her number, I'll forget her name and then she'll leave.
I feel as fragile as a house of cards on a windy day and the fact that my pile grows higher each hour makes my demise just a little bit more tolerable. The inevitable fall is an answer to the prayer for relief and I am counting the minutes until I come tumbling down. The truth is I havnt cried since I was ten. Most therapists would call this 'bottling up' but I've just simply forgotten how to over the years. Theres never been time to cry, never been enough reasons. I can't let go becuase I havn't had a chance grasp on yet. I blow through things with as little emotion and thought as I can. I don't want to feel too much becuase if I did the inevitable downfall would probably kill me. I have a few theories that have taken me as far as I've gotten in this life. One: Don't fall in love, that way you can never fall out of love. Two: Don't put yourself out there too far, that way you can never be fully rejected. Three: Drink the days away, fill them with alcohol, so that they can't be filled with anything else. I know, they're not the best but so far I havn't had my heart broken, I havnt been rejected (and I guess it might have to do with the fact that I'm in a band, but sometimes I pretend i'm a normal guy and they just like me for me.) and my days may be long but at least they're not short and full of bullshit.
I hear the alarm go off signaling that it's 7am. I see her stir and her eyes open and in the lighting I can't tell the exact colour of her eyes but im sure they're pretty.
"Hey.." She whispers.
I nodd and pull a shirt on, covering up the scar on my stomach that stretches sideways from each hip. It not noticible, I covered it with a tattoo, too ashamed for it to be seen by anyone.
"I had a great time lastnight.." She smiled, fully dressed now in a black shirt and blue jeans. Her figure wasn't perfect, she had a bit of a stomach, not supermodel skinny, but not fat, and her face was chubby, but she was beautiful none the less.
"Yeah." I said, picking up beer bottles, throwing them away as she followed me through the house towards the door. They all say that. They always have a good time.
"Here's my number.." She said handing it to me.I didn't bother looking at it.
"Goodbye Ville" She said kissing me and leaving.
I pull my shirt back off, dropping it by the door and walking to the bathroom. I take a shower every morning, it's a habit, feeling dirty afterwards. I guess that sounds cliche, right? Alot of people do it, don't they? I don't know and I guess I don't really care. There was never a time when I thought about settling down. Im 28 and still kissing death with a thousand pairs of lips. I grew tired of my way of living 7 years ago but I can't seem to grasp anything worthwhile, anything or anybody that will love me for me, not my words, or past, or voice. Love me for my flaws, my details and my visions. Not my fame. Theres too many days when I think about quitting it all, finding someone lovely to settle down with and just be content with life. The hot water felt nice against my skin, though I was sure it was probably tearing some of it away. I didn't mind, I just kept soaping up and washing my hair. I rarely wash it, it's too hard to manage when it's clean. It stays in place when its a little dirty, and I don't have to bother with it being too fluffy or too afro like.
8am came and I stepped out of the shower, pulling on black jeans, a black shirt and then running around looking for a pair of socks that didn't have holes in them. I should really buy new clothes but, who really would notice? Todays the day I see Linde, Gas, Mige and Burton for the first time in awhile. Im slightly worried they'll be mad for some reason and I cant wait nonetheless. I take out my bus pass and am slightly angry I didnt bother getting my lisence over the course of three months I had time off.
Stepping outside my house, into the cold Helsinki air I pull up my hoodie and begin walking to the bus station, nervous of todays events and how smoothly things would go. I'm nervous about performing since I havnt in a while and I only have an hour to do a practice run. I reach into my pocket for my cell phone, and pull out a peice of paper. It was the girl from lastnights number. "Kate" was written in pretty scrawl and her number below it. I felt bad that I wasn't going to call her again, that I used her for that night and led her to believe their might be something that was going to go furthur than our rumble in the sheets. I flipped open my cell after putting away her number, and called Gas to see where it was I was supposed to go.
--
Pairing: Vam.
Rating: NC-17.
Summery: Between bed-posts and drunken mornings with hushed tones, Ville feels a void that doesn't seem to disappear no matter what he does. How can one person change that? And how can Ville open up to him with his past?
Disclaimer: I don't own Ville, but I do own a copy of a him cd that I make-out with cherish. So.. 1, 2, don't sue!
---
I've had this done awhile ago but my BETA hasn't been online in 3 days so I waited, and she still hasn't come online so I said Fuck it, there can't be too many errors, right?
Here it is, tell me what you think. XD
One
I am: hurt, desolated, numb, shut off from humanity, depressed and not wanting to let go of memories even though they strain my eyes and tear my heart open. Nights filled with tears at a young age, an unwanted preditor standing over me and causing my skin to burn under each touch. The unforgiving act that broke the special bond between a father and a son. It's all too difficult to think about and to accept. I promised myself I wouldn't turn into him and im frightened i've already started. I fear i've become that dishonest drunk he was when I was just a kid trying to find solace in a closet filled with the musk scent of rotting walls. I've spent my nights wandering the streets and sleeping with random woman, telling them for a night I'd love them if they stayed with me. Treated me nice, said pretty words and kissed me lightly. I've become something I never wanted to be and I need to fill this void that creeps up in the middle of the night when a nameless girl sleeps soundly beside me, her naked breasts moving up and down, dancing to her breathing pattern. Somewhere in between broken ribs and bloddy lips, I lost a hero and I became someone I feared all my life. You. Im just happy I dont have a kid that I can pass it on to.
It's hard to focus on certain things when everything around you swirls and moves in irratic motions and you can't regain that amount of consciousness that everyone else seems to have. When the people you were close to are gone and living somewhere, staying in connection with everyone besides you, and you just feel left out, alone and scared. The days go by slow and the nights are even slower, the lack of sleep and the overwhelming amount of alcohol seems to stretch it out a bit more. I have people in my life who are on the outside. They were are my friends, but we drifted. We have taken time off since the album is done being recorded, and tomorrow is the first tiem in 3 months i'll see them. We're going to be doing a concert and debuting our new single 'killing loneliness". Their numbers are still on my cell, their pictures still framed in my room. But I haven't talked to them in weeks. I admit I miss them, especially at 4 in the afternoon when they would come over and have a few beers and we would watch the news or search the internet for stupid rumors that could be going on about us. It makes me nervous. Like they're going to appear out of thin air... and suddenly hate me. But I'm still too shy and socially inept to call them, be casual and say "Hey, how's it goin?" Because I'm awkward, and drunk. There is too much stuff circling around inside of me and it doesn't get realesed becuase at the age of 12 I learned that not everything needs to be said and you don't have to cry even though you feel like it, becuase big boys arn't afraid of anything. They're tough and resiliant. Strong and unbreakable. Raped and beaten, treated unfairly and locked away for days.
It's now 6am and I'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling, the clammy arm of some random woman I picked up is in contact with my arm. Her blonde hair is askew, covering both pillows and her breasts are steadily rising and falling with each breath she takes. Sometimes during the night I visualize wrapping my arms around her, breathing in her sweat and whatever brand of perfume it was I picked up on when she hugged me in the bar. Whatever it was it smelled lovely and reminded me of my mother in a strange way. She's treated me kindly tonight and as always I thank her for that. I like anyone who gives me the time of day. But then again, its not many becuase I push them all away. But sometimes in the middle of a drink i'll think of smothering her. Screaming becuase I was so weak to fall and fuck her. How sad is it when this is what my life is consisted of? Drunken nights and naked woman. Migrane mornings and whispered goodbyes. She'll give me her number, I'll forget her name and then she'll leave.
I feel as fragile as a house of cards on a windy day and the fact that my pile grows higher each hour makes my demise just a little bit more tolerable. The inevitable fall is an answer to the prayer for relief and I am counting the minutes until I come tumbling down. The truth is I havnt cried since I was ten. Most therapists would call this 'bottling up' but I've just simply forgotten how to over the years. Theres never been time to cry, never been enough reasons. I can't let go becuase I havn't had a chance grasp on yet. I blow through things with as little emotion and thought as I can. I don't want to feel too much becuase if I did the inevitable downfall would probably kill me. I have a few theories that have taken me as far as I've gotten in this life. One: Don't fall in love, that way you can never fall out of love. Two: Don't put yourself out there too far, that way you can never be fully rejected. Three: Drink the days away, fill them with alcohol, so that they can't be filled with anything else. I know, they're not the best but so far I havn't had my heart broken, I havnt been rejected (and I guess it might have to do with the fact that I'm in a band, but sometimes I pretend i'm a normal guy and they just like me for me.) and my days may be long but at least they're not short and full of bullshit.
I hear the alarm go off signaling that it's 7am. I see her stir and her eyes open and in the lighting I can't tell the exact colour of her eyes but im sure they're pretty.
"Hey.." She whispers.
I nodd and pull a shirt on, covering up the scar on my stomach that stretches sideways from each hip. It not noticible, I covered it with a tattoo, too ashamed for it to be seen by anyone.
"I had a great time lastnight.." She smiled, fully dressed now in a black shirt and blue jeans. Her figure wasn't perfect, she had a bit of a stomach, not supermodel skinny, but not fat, and her face was chubby, but she was beautiful none the less.
"Yeah." I said, picking up beer bottles, throwing them away as she followed me through the house towards the door. They all say that. They always have a good time.
"Here's my number.." She said handing it to me.I didn't bother looking at it.
"Goodbye Ville" She said kissing me and leaving.
I pull my shirt back off, dropping it by the door and walking to the bathroom. I take a shower every morning, it's a habit, feeling dirty afterwards. I guess that sounds cliche, right? Alot of people do it, don't they? I don't know and I guess I don't really care. There was never a time when I thought about settling down. Im 28 and still kissing death with a thousand pairs of lips. I grew tired of my way of living 7 years ago but I can't seem to grasp anything worthwhile, anything or anybody that will love me for me, not my words, or past, or voice. Love me for my flaws, my details and my visions. Not my fame. Theres too many days when I think about quitting it all, finding someone lovely to settle down with and just be content with life. The hot water felt nice against my skin, though I was sure it was probably tearing some of it away. I didn't mind, I just kept soaping up and washing my hair. I rarely wash it, it's too hard to manage when it's clean. It stays in place when its a little dirty, and I don't have to bother with it being too fluffy or too afro like.
8am came and I stepped out of the shower, pulling on black jeans, a black shirt and then running around looking for a pair of socks that didn't have holes in them. I should really buy new clothes but, who really would notice? Todays the day I see Linde, Gas, Mige and Burton for the first time in awhile. Im slightly worried they'll be mad for some reason and I cant wait nonetheless. I take out my bus pass and am slightly angry I didnt bother getting my lisence over the course of three months I had time off.
Stepping outside my house, into the cold Helsinki air I pull up my hoodie and begin walking to the bus station, nervous of todays events and how smoothly things would go. I'm nervous about performing since I havnt in a while and I only have an hour to do a practice run. I reach into my pocket for my cell phone, and pull out a peice of paper. It was the girl from lastnights number. "Kate" was written in pretty scrawl and her number below it. I felt bad that I wasn't going to call her again, that I used her for that night and led her to believe their might be something that was going to go furthur than our rumble in the sheets. I flipped open my cell after putting away her number, and called Gas to see where it was I was supposed to go.
--