drunkonhim
in
__vam
Just a Whore Chp. 35b
Title: Just a Whore
Summary: my personal spin on the movie "Pretty Woman". Ville is a young whore, trapped and searching for his saviour
Pairing: various, but mostly focused on Vam. there will be some surprise guests though
Disclaimer: i own nothing (except this story) and no one. please don't sue!
A/N: This part is going to be very short. Like I said, I just barely went over the limit with this chapter. Damn you, LJ!
Previous Chapter: Chapter 35b
Ville (POV)
“Hello, kulta,” I whisper softly to Jonne, my fingers still stroking his arm.
I don’t know why I feel disappointed when he makes no motion or sign that he recognizes my voice. I guess I was holding out on the hope that whatever spell Jonne was under would be broken the moment he heard my voice. That was a foolish thought, though. I’ve been telling myself for years that fairytales don’t exist. Why should this situation be any different. Chewing on my trembling lower lip, my fingers gingerly reach up to caress his smooth cheek. The skin twitches beneath my touch and I almost get excited, but I realize that it was most likely a muscle spasm.
“Jonne, I- I don’t know if you can hear me, but I really hope that you can. I hope that somehow you can understand what I’m saying, that it’s reaching you, wherever you are right now.”
I pause for a moment, taking a deep breath as I search for the right words to say. What can I say at a moment like this, though? How do I even begin to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am? I would give anything right now, anything at all, just for him to wake up. It doesn’t matter if he spent the rest of his life hating me for what I did. Just knowing that he was alright would be enough for me.
“I guess there would be no point in begging you to wake up,” I laugh humorlessly. “I really wish that you would, though. I wish that you would open your eyes and let me see those beautiful, blue jewels again….
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I smile sadly. “I was crying on my cot. I felt so alone and so scared. Then you crawled over to me, you began to pet my hair, and you sang Sininen Uni to me…. My momma used to sing that song to me when I was a baby. I was so surprised that someone else actually knew the song that it made me stop crying right away. Then I looked at you, I saw your smile and your beautiful eyes looking at me… and suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore.
“Y- you’ve always been there for me, Jonne. Every time I fell, you were right there to pick me back up again. You showed me how to survive in this life…. You’re the only good thing that came out of the mistake I made eight years ago. I- I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, you’ve become the most important person in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I know we’ve had our arguments and I know there have been some times when we’ve felt like killing each other, but at the end of the day we always managed to forgive each other.
“Kulta… I- I’m so sorry about what I said that day,” I tell him as another sob escapes me. “I shouldn’t have said the things that I did. I shouldn’t have been such a selfish asshole…. I’m sorry that I said Novak didn’t love you. He’s actually proven me very wrong. Just a minute ago it seemed like he was going to bite my head off because I wanted to be alone with you…. H- he does love you, rakas. Maybe even more than I do… but not by much.”
That part was very true. I may not have understood their relationship-- maybe I didn’t want to-- but I know that I tremendously underestimated it. When I said those nasty things to Jonne, I was so overwhelmed by the hurt Bam caused me that I couldn’t even begin to think that Novak was nothing more than a scoundrel. I thought for sure that he would do nothing but set Jonne up for heartache, but he’s proven me wrong. Novak has been by Jonne’s side throughout this whole ordeal, watching over him like his protector. He does love my friend and I’m sorry that I ever doubted that.
“Jonne, I’m so damn sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry that I believed, even for a second, that you had betrayed me! I know that you would never intentionally hurt me, I’m sorry that I thought you did. God…. You’re the best person I know, Jonne. You’re not even capable of hurting someone that you love. I- I’m just sorry that I hurt you…. Even though everyone keeps telling me that its not my fault, I can’t help but feel that it is. I brought this madness down on us…. It’s my fault that you’re laying here now and I will never forgive myself for it.
“If I could, I would trade places with you, kulta,” I cry. “It shouldn’t be you lying here right now. After everything I did, I deserve more punishment than an infection and a missing kidney. All I do is bring pain to the people I love…. You, Bam, Andreas…. None of you deserve what has happened. So I want you to be strong, rakas. I need you to keep fighting, to keep holding onto life…. I need you to wake up, baby. I need you to wake up and kick my ass for being such a twat. You need to wake up, Jonne, because without you, the world has lost it’s sunshine.”
Those are the last words I manage to speak before I dissolve completely into tears. I’m hoping and praying that somehow Jonne could hear me and understand me. I’m praying that somehow the light has not left him yet. What I said was true, though. Jonne has been the little sunshine in my life for eight years. Without him, I know that I’ll never be able to escape the darkness that plagues me. Without him, I know that my mind will never recover from the abuse it has taken. After all, what is this newfound freedom worth if Jonne isn’t here with me? Jonne is the person I can share all of my secrets with. He’s the one who holds my hand when I’m scared or upset. He’s the one person that I could always count on…. He’s my best friend. Without him, this life isn’t worth living.
“Ville?”
A hand is on my shoulder before I even have time to turn around. I don’t really need to, though. I know that it is Bam there behind me. My sobbing must have worried him. I’m not quite sure if I’m angry that he decided to come in or if I’m relieved. I wanted my private time with Jonne, but the guilt is becoming all consuming. Bam’s hand on my shoulder is comforting, it lets me know that someone is there for me. Though I’m ashamed to admit it, I don’t think I can really take care of myself, not for my emotional needs anyway. Jonne, whether he knows it or not, took care of me in so many ways. He gave me the unconditional love that helped me to survive all of these years…. I don’t think that I can make it on my own. I’m not strong enough.
“Baby, are you ok?”
Without looking at Bam, I put my hand over his and shake my head. No, I’m not ok. I don’t think that I ever will be again. Soon I feel warm breath on my ear and a pair of soft lips press against my temple.
“I- it’s my fault,” I whisper.
Almost instantly, Bam’s hand is on my chair, turning me around so I’ll face him. I keep my head down as the skater kneels before me. He puts his fingers under my chin to tilt my head up, but I shake him off.
“Ville, look at me!” He commands. It wasn’t a harsh tone, but it still made me jump. In order to please him, I raise my eyes enough so that I’m just peeking at him. The look on his face is the most serious I’ve ever seen.
“Ville, you have to stop saying that it was your fault,” he says, his voice so steady. “After everything you’ve been through, why would you even think such a thing?”
Because it’s true, my mind supplies. As an unwanted afterthought, that little voice inside me said, “Because I loved you.” I didn’t want that thought inside of my head. I didn’t want it because it was horrible, accusatory, and cruel… but it was also true. There was a part of me-- a very miniscule part of me that I wish would go away-- that blamed him. I know that it is just the grief taking over me, but I can’t help it. Besides, as much as I blame him, I blame myself ten times more.
“It was not your fault, Ville,” he states. “Nothing that happened was your fault, and I’m not going to let you keep blaming yourself.”
“Bam-”
“No, Ville.” The skater takes my hand in his, squeezing it gently. “I’m not going to let you beat yourself up over something you had no control over. You’re going to get through this.”
“…I don’t know if I can.”
“You can,” he assures. “You’re going to get through this and I’m going to be there with you every step of the way.”
Without another word, Bam leans forward and pulls me into his arms. I don’t return the embrace, but he seems content just holding me. It feels good, actually, to be held by someone who cares. My love for Bam is a confusing one. He’s hurt me so much before, but I don’t want him to go away. I love him, I do… but I don’t know if it will be enough. His friend told me about all that he tried to do for me and how it almost cost him his life. Can I be strong enough and forgive him and myself? Or every time I look in his eyes, will I be reminded of my guilt?
“I love you, Ville,” he whispers in my ear.
I want to say that I love him too. I want for this story to have a romantic, fairytale ending, but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Fairytales don’t exist. Brave knights don’t save princesses from evil monsters. No one ever lives happily ever after. All we do is live day to day and learn how to deal with the pain that comes from it. That’s the real world, the one I’ve longed to escape from. But this experience has made me learn that there is no escape from reality. Getting lost in a fantasy will only cause hurt for yourself and those around you. So that is why when he says he loves me, the best I can give him in return is a soft kiss on his cheek while my arms wrap around him. It’s not perfect and it’s not the ending that either of us want, but it’s the best we have to give. I love him, but this isn’t a fairytale.
====================================================================================
Epilogue will be posted shortly ;)
Comments are love ^_^
Summary: my personal spin on the movie "Pretty Woman". Ville is a young whore, trapped and searching for his saviour
Pairing: various, but mostly focused on Vam. there will be some surprise guests though
Disclaimer: i own nothing (except this story) and no one. please don't sue!
A/N: This part is going to be very short. Like I said, I just barely went over the limit with this chapter. Damn you, LJ!
Previous Chapter: Chapter 35b
Ville (POV)
“Hello, kulta,” I whisper softly to Jonne, my fingers still stroking his arm.
I don’t know why I feel disappointed when he makes no motion or sign that he recognizes my voice. I guess I was holding out on the hope that whatever spell Jonne was under would be broken the moment he heard my voice. That was a foolish thought, though. I’ve been telling myself for years that fairytales don’t exist. Why should this situation be any different. Chewing on my trembling lower lip, my fingers gingerly reach up to caress his smooth cheek. The skin twitches beneath my touch and I almost get excited, but I realize that it was most likely a muscle spasm.
“Jonne, I- I don’t know if you can hear me, but I really hope that you can. I hope that somehow you can understand what I’m saying, that it’s reaching you, wherever you are right now.”
I pause for a moment, taking a deep breath as I search for the right words to say. What can I say at a moment like this, though? How do I even begin to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am? I would give anything right now, anything at all, just for him to wake up. It doesn’t matter if he spent the rest of his life hating me for what I did. Just knowing that he was alright would be enough for me.
“I guess there would be no point in begging you to wake up,” I laugh humorlessly. “I really wish that you would, though. I wish that you would open your eyes and let me see those beautiful, blue jewels again….
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I smile sadly. “I was crying on my cot. I felt so alone and so scared. Then you crawled over to me, you began to pet my hair, and you sang Sininen Uni to me…. My momma used to sing that song to me when I was a baby. I was so surprised that someone else actually knew the song that it made me stop crying right away. Then I looked at you, I saw your smile and your beautiful eyes looking at me… and suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore.
“Y- you’ve always been there for me, Jonne. Every time I fell, you were right there to pick me back up again. You showed me how to survive in this life…. You’re the only good thing that came out of the mistake I made eight years ago. I- I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, you’ve become the most important person in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I know we’ve had our arguments and I know there have been some times when we’ve felt like killing each other, but at the end of the day we always managed to forgive each other.
“Kulta… I- I’m so sorry about what I said that day,” I tell him as another sob escapes me. “I shouldn’t have said the things that I did. I shouldn’t have been such a selfish asshole…. I’m sorry that I said Novak didn’t love you. He’s actually proven me very wrong. Just a minute ago it seemed like he was going to bite my head off because I wanted to be alone with you…. H- he does love you, rakas. Maybe even more than I do… but not by much.”
That part was very true. I may not have understood their relationship-- maybe I didn’t want to-- but I know that I tremendously underestimated it. When I said those nasty things to Jonne, I was so overwhelmed by the hurt Bam caused me that I couldn’t even begin to think that Novak was nothing more than a scoundrel. I thought for sure that he would do nothing but set Jonne up for heartache, but he’s proven me wrong. Novak has been by Jonne’s side throughout this whole ordeal, watching over him like his protector. He does love my friend and I’m sorry that I ever doubted that.
“Jonne, I’m so damn sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry that I believed, even for a second, that you had betrayed me! I know that you would never intentionally hurt me, I’m sorry that I thought you did. God…. You’re the best person I know, Jonne. You’re not even capable of hurting someone that you love. I- I’m just sorry that I hurt you…. Even though everyone keeps telling me that its not my fault, I can’t help but feel that it is. I brought this madness down on us…. It’s my fault that you’re laying here now and I will never forgive myself for it.
“If I could, I would trade places with you, kulta,” I cry. “It shouldn’t be you lying here right now. After everything I did, I deserve more punishment than an infection and a missing kidney. All I do is bring pain to the people I love…. You, Bam, Andreas…. None of you deserve what has happened. So I want you to be strong, rakas. I need you to keep fighting, to keep holding onto life…. I need you to wake up, baby. I need you to wake up and kick my ass for being such a twat. You need to wake up, Jonne, because without you, the world has lost it’s sunshine.”
Those are the last words I manage to speak before I dissolve completely into tears. I’m hoping and praying that somehow Jonne could hear me and understand me. I’m praying that somehow the light has not left him yet. What I said was true, though. Jonne has been the little sunshine in my life for eight years. Without him, I know that I’ll never be able to escape the darkness that plagues me. Without him, I know that my mind will never recover from the abuse it has taken. After all, what is this newfound freedom worth if Jonne isn’t here with me? Jonne is the person I can share all of my secrets with. He’s the one who holds my hand when I’m scared or upset. He’s the one person that I could always count on…. He’s my best friend. Without him, this life isn’t worth living.
“Ville?”
A hand is on my shoulder before I even have time to turn around. I don’t really need to, though. I know that it is Bam there behind me. My sobbing must have worried him. I’m not quite sure if I’m angry that he decided to come in or if I’m relieved. I wanted my private time with Jonne, but the guilt is becoming all consuming. Bam’s hand on my shoulder is comforting, it lets me know that someone is there for me. Though I’m ashamed to admit it, I don’t think I can really take care of myself, not for my emotional needs anyway. Jonne, whether he knows it or not, took care of me in so many ways. He gave me the unconditional love that helped me to survive all of these years…. I don’t think that I can make it on my own. I’m not strong enough.
“Baby, are you ok?”
Without looking at Bam, I put my hand over his and shake my head. No, I’m not ok. I don’t think that I ever will be again. Soon I feel warm breath on my ear and a pair of soft lips press against my temple.
“I- it’s my fault,” I whisper.
Almost instantly, Bam’s hand is on my chair, turning me around so I’ll face him. I keep my head down as the skater kneels before me. He puts his fingers under my chin to tilt my head up, but I shake him off.
“Ville, look at me!” He commands. It wasn’t a harsh tone, but it still made me jump. In order to please him, I raise my eyes enough so that I’m just peeking at him. The look on his face is the most serious I’ve ever seen.
“Ville, you have to stop saying that it was your fault,” he says, his voice so steady. “After everything you’ve been through, why would you even think such a thing?”
Because it’s true, my mind supplies. As an unwanted afterthought, that little voice inside me said, “Because I loved you.” I didn’t want that thought inside of my head. I didn’t want it because it was horrible, accusatory, and cruel… but it was also true. There was a part of me-- a very miniscule part of me that I wish would go away-- that blamed him. I know that it is just the grief taking over me, but I can’t help it. Besides, as much as I blame him, I blame myself ten times more.
“It was not your fault, Ville,” he states. “Nothing that happened was your fault, and I’m not going to let you keep blaming yourself.”
“Bam-”
“No, Ville.” The skater takes my hand in his, squeezing it gently. “I’m not going to let you beat yourself up over something you had no control over. You’re going to get through this.”
“…I don’t know if I can.”
“You can,” he assures. “You’re going to get through this and I’m going to be there with you every step of the way.”
Without another word, Bam leans forward and pulls me into his arms. I don’t return the embrace, but he seems content just holding me. It feels good, actually, to be held by someone who cares. My love for Bam is a confusing one. He’s hurt me so much before, but I don’t want him to go away. I love him, I do… but I don’t know if it will be enough. His friend told me about all that he tried to do for me and how it almost cost him his life. Can I be strong enough and forgive him and myself? Or every time I look in his eyes, will I be reminded of my guilt?
“I love you, Ville,” he whispers in my ear.
I want to say that I love him too. I want for this story to have a romantic, fairytale ending, but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Fairytales don’t exist. Brave knights don’t save princesses from evil monsters. No one ever lives happily ever after. All we do is live day to day and learn how to deal with the pain that comes from it. That’s the real world, the one I’ve longed to escape from. But this experience has made me learn that there is no escape from reality. Getting lost in a fantasy will only cause hurt for yourself and those around you. So that is why when he says he loves me, the best I can give him in return is a soft kiss on his cheek while my arms wrap around him. It’s not perfect and it’s not the ending that either of us want, but it’s the best we have to give. I love him, but this isn’t a fairytale.
====================================================================================
Epilogue will be posted shortly ;)
Comments are love ^_^