Sleepwalking Past Hope - Ch 1 - New Story

[non_timebo_mala]

Title: Sleepwalking Past Hope - Chapter 1
Author: Me :)
Pairing: Vam for the most part. ^^
Rating: PG-13 to R
Summary:  "Why is it that only the ones around you get hurt? Why do the ones that love and care for you feel the pain that you only meant to inflict upon yourself?"
Disclaimer: You already /know/ I don't own them, so why bother just make myself more depressed by saying it? ^^
Author's Notes: Just a litlte something I thought up...written in Ville's POV. ^^
Warnings: This is going to be a majorly ANGSTY story; besides the first few minorly fluffy chapters, it wont get any moreso than that. Probably will be darkest story I've ever written.

-*Prologue*-

Why is it that only the ones around you get hurt? Why do the ones that love and care for you the most feel the pain you only meant to inflict upon yourself?

Punishment, most likely…Punishment from whatever higher being there supposedly is…I still don’t think there is one.

And I have a right to believe that, don’t I? Who in their right mind would take the time to pray to someone we don’t even know exists? Why waste your time?

Why? Because we all want something to believe in…we all want something to live for - without that thing, we - human beings - feel we have nothing to breathe for; family besides.

But, for now, look away from your family, friends, and loved ones…just think of your higher power - whichever one you choose to believe in.

What calling within you says to get down on your knees and pray that you’ll live another day? What voice in your head tells you to suddenly kneel towards the west and whisper your thanks? Why do you do that?

Do you really love your lives so much that you feel obligated to suddenly thank someone for it?

I guess the whole ‘Higher Being’ thing will never be something for me…something I’ll feel obligated to find. I just live life as it passes; it never slows and never quickens, it just is.

Maybe - once a upon a time ago - I had a ‘God’, if you will. Maybe once I had someone that I used to look up to and secretly call upon for guidance. Maybe…I just can’t really seem to recall that time.

Those ‘maybes’ are all I have now….the only memories I’ll ever have of the times before. Before…that’s what I call the point when all things were well with every aspect of my life.

Things are still fine for me, I guess. I mean, I’m not homeless, loveless, and I still have someone by which I can still utter the word ‘Mama’ to. So, I guess I’m not a total empty shell…yet. But that day is only a rotation of the world away. My stomach already craves to empty itself of this toxic waste.

My God….Lord…Allah….Buddha….whatever the hell you are….please, listen to me. Look at me….just for once could you bless me with your grace? Send some kind of heavenly light down upon me just this one time? That’s all I ask.

Because right now I need you more than ever.

I’ve lost my strive to move, I’ve lost my guiding hand…I’ve lost my will to live.

Please, Higher Being, give me strength to live until tomorrow…let me live to see my lover’s face again…

*^Prior^*

“Ville!”

My lips pursed as I once again turned around to examine the other half of my body in the mirror; lifting my shirt and sucking in before expanding my stomach.

“Hmm…”

“Ville get your skinny ass down here! We’re already too fucking late!”

“I wonder…” I thought, turning to pick up an old belt that wrapped loosely around the bed post before sucking in my stomach.

While still holding my breath I slid the leather through the loops of my jeans and tightened the notch as tight as it would go. As soon as it was all the way through, the door slammed open and Bam stormed in; a ball of flaming fury.

“What the hell is taking you so God damned long, you little-“ He broke off; flaring nostrils releasing hot breath in the vicinity of my neck as he breathed on my skin, making me shiver.

I stopped trying to do the belt and turned, relaxing my stomach muscles so it stuck out as much as it normally did.

“Do I look fat to you, Bam?” I asked him carefully, eyes flicking to the mirror.

Bam’s eyebrows rose as he stared at me incredulously. He was silent, supposing it was a rhetorical question. When he realized it wasn’t, his disbelief only heightened.

“What…have you been smoking Ville?”

I stared at him in return, not quite getting his sarcastic tone.

“Well…I-I mean…”

“Ville,” He paused to step the distance between us and cup my face with his calloused hands; forcing my eyes to stare into his. “You are the most beautiful, gorgeous creature on this earth and no part on your fantastic body is fat. Do you understand that?”

The first time he spoke words that kind to me was right before he told he loved me…and right before my life changed forever.

I swallowed; my eyes picking up movement on the carpet…probably a spider of some sort.

The silence was agitating my lover, I could tell, so he stifled it with a brief peck of his lips upon mine - the smack of withdrawal loud in the quiet space.

“Why would you even ask such a question to me, sweet love? What doubt has been placed in your mind? And by whom?” He asked so gently to me; thumbs caressing my cheekbones as his other fingers rubbed circles on my neck.

Unfortunately I wasn’t unable to answer; it was his choice of words that got to me.

I snorted, pulling away from him, “Reading my literature again, have we Bam?” I teased, grinning evilly at his blushing face.

“No…well…uhm….yeah, sort of.” Bam’s hand wandered around to the back of his neck, scratching unconsciously as he turned and walked back towards the door.

“Well, you really got to hurry; I highly doubt my best friend will want me late to his wedding.”

I nodded, throwing one last glance at my supposedly flat stomach in the mirror before pulling down my red dress shirt; smoothing it over my black slacks.

“I’ve been ready, darling, I was simply making minor adjustments.”

I breezed past him, surprised when he yanked me back; grabbing my wrist harshly. I was even more stunned when his lips roughly planted themselves on mine; teeth clacking audibly.

The moan that slipped from my lips was a reflex; as were my arms tangling themselves around his neck.

Our tongues lazily entered and withdrew from corners of each other’s mouths to finally settle within our own a few moments later.

I pulled back, breathlessly panting into his face as he did the same in return.

“What…was that about?” I gasped as he grinned.

“Making minor adjustments.” And with that, he smacked his lips together pointedly; showing me the exchange of lip-gloss that had taken place with our actions.

I rolled my eyes at his ways before turning and followed him towards the Hummer.

^^

Ryan Dunn; lifetime friend of my lover and equally amusing as him, was finally getting married today to the love of his life, Angie.

I’d met the woman fewer times than the fingers on one hand, but in those visits I’d found her to be a genuinely sweet woman. She had her flaws; as did any human.

But, the smile upon Ryan’s face as he saw his wife-to-be enter the small church was enough to reconcile me from letting any bad thoughts of her enter my brain.

I smiled, looking up at Bam as he stood near Raab and Dico. It was hard to keep a straight face watching all the supposed ‘Jackasses’ close to tears, all huddled together in clean tuxedos.

A cough escaped my lips to hide a snicker; a sound which brought April’s attention back to me. She gave me a faint smile before returning her gaze to the ceremony.

I fidgeted uncomfortably.

Ever since the night we’d gone to Bam’s parents to confess our love for each other and the need we had to be together forever, April had acted differently towards me. In a way, she seemed to blame me for her son’s feelings; as if I somehow dropped them into his bloodstream and commanded he be with me.

Phil - sweet, gentle man he is - had and has no problem with it…I never really doubted that he would. The first night he spoke to me in private, telling me that she was just upset because she knew if it were true, that she would have no grandchildren from him.

I’d nodded sympathetically, knowing that the realization would be a shock to any mother - knowing that their son would not bear any siblings due to the fact they share love for the same gender.

He promise to try and turn April around; convince her that love is love and that she still has Jess’s kids to spoil.

Obviously it hadn’t worked, for she still acted the same way - not cold, but not all together civil.

It was times like these when I wished we’d waited to tell them…At least then I would still be treated like a human.

I felt eyes burning my brain, trying to get my attention and I looked up towards Bam.

He was beaming so bright I thought the lights would shy away from its splendor. I couldn’t not smile back at the sight.

The way his eyes moved back and forth between Ryan, Angie, and the minister, I knew what he was thinking.

He was looking forward to the day that it would be us together on that platform…the day when we would be joined and together forever.

My smile damped slightly and I looked back to the marriage, knowing that day for us was far away, but wishing it were just in my reach. For if it was, I’d seize it and take it now while I still had the chance…

^^

The after party was how I expected; loud voices and ever reigning stupidity. Even as their ages progressed, being thrown together under one roof, the Jackasses couldn’t not do anything stupid…it was in their blood.

I smiled, sipping my wine, watching as my lover rode on the back of a mechanical bull with Steve-O and Pontius, making a lovely boy sandwich.

I chuckled to myself, shaking my head lightly; eyes glancing down to my stomach. The shirt had hiked up a fraction and I stared at my flesh and its pale, delicate shade.

I frowned, pulling it up a bit more, unable to identify the beauty Bam saw within each facet of skin.

How could he see someone like me as ‘beautiful?’ How could such a word even describe me? Sure, fans thought of me as such, but, I believe they are deluded in their hormonal ways.

“Hey, man, how’ve you been?”

A voice snapped me from my distant thoughts and I looked up to see Ryan grinning at me from the chair next to my own.

A faint smile reached my lips and I bowed my head, “Fine, I assure you. Bam and I are quite fine.”

His lips twitched once more, smirking more or less this time.

“Uh huh…well…” His eyes wandered, watching as his wife chattered with the other women folk near the gift table.

A satisfied sigh escaped him and he once more turned to me, smiling again.

“I’m glad to see everything seems to be working out between you two. I…uh….well, I also just wanted to say sorry about what happened with April. I really thought she’d be understanding about it.”

I shrugged, sipping my wine again.

“So did I, but, not everything can go as planned, now can it?”

He shook his head, thoughtful, as he watched me swallow.

“No….no, I guess not.”

“Not hungry, I take it?” His eyes nodded towards my empty plate and unused silverware in front of me.

I nodded to his question, “No, not really, I ate before I came.”

He wrinkled his nose as if that were the most absurd thing he ever heard.

“Why the hell would you do that, man? There’s always good stuff at weddings.”

A sly smirk edged its way onto my face, “Maybe I ate something that isn’t served at weddings.”

Ryan had to have a moment to think before his entire face cringed in disgust and he shook his head, laughing at me.

“Nice one, Valo. But, uh, I really better be getting with Angie.” He stood and pushed the chair in before clasping a hand over my shoulder, “You two take care of each other, alright?”

I nodded, smiling reassuringly up at him, “Of course, Ryan. Best of luck to you and your new wife.”

Ryan nodded, smiling once more before going off towards Angie; her eyes immediately connecting with his and she waved enthusiastically at him.

I sighed, frowning suddenly; fingertips trailing boredly over the rim of my glass.

“Hey, delicious.” A low voice whispered in my ear a few moments later.

I smirked, turning my face just enough to peck the stubble-covered cheek.

“Hi, yourself, sweetheart.”

Bam walked around my chair before sitting in the one Ryan had just recently occupied; grinning at me.

“You really should try that bull, Ville. That thing’s fucking fantastic!”

I snorted, “Very funny, Bam. You and I both know I wouldn’t last a fall from that thing.” A mocked sniffle left my lips, then, and a dramatic hand gesture rose to my chest, “Oh, I have such delicate bones, you see.”

He rolled his eyes at me, leaning back on the chair; surveying the left over food. His hand reached out to grab a pickle and he popped it in his mouth; grinning cheesily at me.

I crinkled my nose, disbelieving how trusting he was of food that other peoples mouth’s had touched.

“Oh shut up.” He finally muttered though I’d said nothing, sensing my gaze on him as he randomly picked up food and ate it.

“Don’t do that Bam, you don’t know what’s on that thing and where it has touched.” I slapped his hand away from a roll and leaned back, flicking open my cigarette pack.

“Well…I could say the same thing about your lips too, then, couldn’t I?” Bam countered slyly, “Never know how many fags those things have sucked, now do I?”

I rolled my eyes, “Maturity is not your strongest point, Bam. Always have to have some kind of comeback, don’t you?”

He pouted at me, crossing his arms over his chest in a child-like manner as I smoked away my life in silence.

“Hey, what did you have to eat? Your plate’s pretty clean looking.”

I shrugged, “I didn’t eat anything, Bam. I ate before we left.”

His eyebrow rose slightly, “Really? I didn’t see you make anything…”

“You don’t see everything I do, Bam.” I winked at him before standing, grabbing my black jacket off the back of the chair.

“I think I’m going to call it a night, darling. I’m getting rather sleepy.”

Bam stood soon after my feet touched the ground and he grabbed his own jacket, “I will too. Just let me say good-bye first.”

I nodded, calling to him I’d wait out in the car, though knowing he didn’t hear me.

With a sigh, I placed the cigarette between my lips as I took another one out; at the ready between my fingers.

Outside in the cool air I was able to think, able to discern everything that I’d thought about the past few hours under the stifling heat of the lights.

I put the extra fag between my lips and carefully unbuttoned a few more of my shirt’s buttons; letting the cool breeze slip between the fabric and my skin.

I knew Bam would have locked the Hummer for precautions so I slid down; letting my body lean against the window.

My head fell back gently as I gazed at the stars and the full moon; smoke wisping out and disappearing momentarily after in the sparkling light of the heavens.

“God…let me overcome this.” I whispered, closing my eyes; letting the wind beat my hair around my face and whip my shirt from body.

To me, that breeze was a sign. A sign that not only had he heard my plea but that, hopefully, he would answer.

^^

I'm not sure /at all/ what Dunn's fiancee/girlfriend's name is....if Angie is right, then it was completely by guess that it's right. xD If not, ah well, that's what her name is going to be anyway. *s*

This came to mind today while sitting at the computer...being bored. I really would like feedback on this; this being the first chapter, I need to know whether it's worth continuing or not. ^^

I've no beta, so any mistakes made can be reported to me and I'll fix them promptly. ^^ I'm sure I made a few, even though I checked and re-checked back over it. I'm blind when it comes to correcting myself.

This story is going to -hopefully- have a lot more depth than any of my others and just, hopefully, be all around.../good./ That's all I can really care to explain it like, all I can really think to say...It'll be full of angst, maybe violence, maybe a bit of smut thrown in here and there. We'll see. ;)
But, I'll definitely be darker.

<3