My First One-shot
Author; Me, tia_maria_616
Chapter; 1/1
Rating; PG
Pairing; Vam, if you want it to be
Disclaimer; Do I even need one? I don't mention any names, plus I wrote it all :)
Warning; Sad, but not "it will make you cry" sad, I don't think.
Summary; How long will you cling on to love?
I really mean it when I say I welcome con-crit.
Will You Love Me If I Love You?
From the very first time I admitted my feelings I should have dismissed them.
Why is it that love hides all reasoning?
If you knew the way things would turn out in the end, would you do it anyway?
I didn't think about it, I was too wrapped up in the feeling of being wanted.
At first it was an awkward bliss,
Both of us too young to be able to make the first move.
Yet the thrill of waiting was half of the fun.
You aren't in love at seventeen, that's what I told myself.
A friendship gone further than the norm was what I believed.
But what did he think?
I don't think he really thought at all,
other than how cool it was to have these secret feelings confessed.
Why do I have the curse of thought?
The start of our relationship saw us wanting to bear our souls,
To tell each other everything we felt and did.
What a curse dependency can be.
I realised, after a month perhaps, that high school was not suited to hidden romance.
The passionate side of me wished to flee the closet, but he could never agree.
I never thought of how insecure he was until it was too late to save us.
Hiding feelings during the day, only to pour them out online during the night.
A split existence only causes friction.
Time alone was cherished, the chance just to lay in a loves warm embrace.
How cold the lack can turn a heart.
Intimidation and ridicule from peers is the start.
I probably handle it worse than he does,
Simply because I long to shout the truth of their name-calling.
Yet still we are shrouded in secrecy and I struggle on.
I find myself despising my own friends for being too close to him.
He doesn't understand and thinks he is doing something wrong.
After all, why should I be jealous?
There is no need, and yet I do.
The simple fact tears us apart.
I, the pessimist, teamed with him, the optimist, we should have been a classic contrast.
I was fair-skinned, he was tanned, we complemented each other.
But when the scales start to shift, nothing bodes well.
School was a torture.
To sit next to him and yet not be able to talk, to touch, it was impossible.
Grades slip because my mind will think only of him.
I assume he feels the same way, that I am as important to him.
I'm not so sure anymore.
In desperation I clung to love.
I worked out our problems again, and again.
It was only when I clung to hard, took an intimate exploration too far that it all came tumbling.
I did that fatal deed and was mortified.
I knew after that he wasn't comfortable with himself enough to do something like that at all.
It wasn't about me, it was that he didn't love himself to understand.
You can try and try, as I did, to make him see how beautiful he is,
How I love him so,
But unless he believes it himself,
Love will never work.
When I logged off from an MSN conversation,
I realised we had talked double the amount in half an hour than we spoke all day.
I knew it wasn't right, but it was routine,
I craved the contact, the pretence of open love
With every day my jealousy got worse.
His past boyfriend hangs around and I can't handle it.
I become miserable, we talk less and less.
We know there's a problem, but we can't face the truth.
Time alone grows more desperate, we go further and yet hardly anywhere at all.
I know I want more, but he could never handle it.
When did I become the needy one?
He started it all, he said he felt things for me and wanted to be with me.
I was strong enough for us both back then.
Now though, now I cling, I'm desperate and I obsess.
This is not a relationship.
We fall further with every day, I live for that one afternoon alone only.
When we can hug, kiss and love.
No time has meant more to me.
But what does it mean to him?
When he starts to shut me out, I know something's wrong.
He is supposed to be the happy one, and yet I become the optimist.
It's all wrong.
I cling to him more and more until I could be strangling.
Yet we were still distant.
We were playing to separate lives.
One day he rejected my hug, yet I did not fully comprehend.
When he sent me no kisses I knew there was real trouble.
He wanted to be just friends.
I can't think of him as just a friend.
He is so much more.
That I loved him I hadn't fully realised until then.
My love for him is what makes me agree to friendship.
I can't bear to think of how to cope without the touches, the kisses and embraces.
But it is what he wants, so I agree.
In my heart I probably know he is right.
During the weekend I don't see him.
My room reminds me of the time we spent together.
Everything is painful and many tears are shed.
When tears no longer come, there is just a dull pain.
By the end of the sunday I finally realised that I was free.
I could now only think of my own happiness, not his.
That comforted me at the time.
It lasted until monday, until school.
We didn't talk.
One word utterances, but not talking.
Even to look at him hurts.
I want to reach out and touch him,
To believe he is there for me,
But he is just a friend.
He will give polite interest in time perhaps, but he is not there.
Other friends don't know, they have no idea.
That is the problem with secrets.
They only live in your head.
I almost stop functioning, but I don't think he notices.
At home I look at the computer though I cannot switch it on.
He isn't there to listen to me anymore.
He doesn't want to know how I wish I could hug him for one last time,
How our last kiss haunts my memories.
He is no longer here and yet he still sits beside me.
My love will always remain, but he is just my friend.
---
Comments to say you've read my post are always appreciated ;)
Just wondering, when reading did you think it was Bam or Ville talking?
Plus, I checked over this by myself, mistakes are all mine.
Chapter; 1/1
Rating; PG
Pairing; Vam, if you want it to be
Disclaimer; Do I even need one? I don't mention any names, plus I wrote it all :)
Warning; Sad, but not "it will make you cry" sad, I don't think.
Summary; How long will you cling on to love?
I really mean it when I say I welcome con-crit.
Will You Love Me If I Love You?
From the very first time I admitted my feelings I should have dismissed them.
Why is it that love hides all reasoning?
If you knew the way things would turn out in the end, would you do it anyway?
I didn't think about it, I was too wrapped up in the feeling of being wanted.
At first it was an awkward bliss,
Both of us too young to be able to make the first move.
Yet the thrill of waiting was half of the fun.
You aren't in love at seventeen, that's what I told myself.
A friendship gone further than the norm was what I believed.
But what did he think?
I don't think he really thought at all,
other than how cool it was to have these secret feelings confessed.
Why do I have the curse of thought?
The start of our relationship saw us wanting to bear our souls,
To tell each other everything we felt and did.
What a curse dependency can be.
I realised, after a month perhaps, that high school was not suited to hidden romance.
The passionate side of me wished to flee the closet, but he could never agree.
I never thought of how insecure he was until it was too late to save us.
Hiding feelings during the day, only to pour them out online during the night.
A split existence only causes friction.
Time alone was cherished, the chance just to lay in a loves warm embrace.
How cold the lack can turn a heart.
Intimidation and ridicule from peers is the start.
I probably handle it worse than he does,
Simply because I long to shout the truth of their name-calling.
Yet still we are shrouded in secrecy and I struggle on.
I find myself despising my own friends for being too close to him.
He doesn't understand and thinks he is doing something wrong.
After all, why should I be jealous?
There is no need, and yet I do.
The simple fact tears us apart.
I, the pessimist, teamed with him, the optimist, we should have been a classic contrast.
I was fair-skinned, he was tanned, we complemented each other.
But when the scales start to shift, nothing bodes well.
School was a torture.
To sit next to him and yet not be able to talk, to touch, it was impossible.
Grades slip because my mind will think only of him.
I assume he feels the same way, that I am as important to him.
I'm not so sure anymore.
In desperation I clung to love.
I worked out our problems again, and again.
It was only when I clung to hard, took an intimate exploration too far that it all came tumbling.
I did that fatal deed and was mortified.
I knew after that he wasn't comfortable with himself enough to do something like that at all.
It wasn't about me, it was that he didn't love himself to understand.
You can try and try, as I did, to make him see how beautiful he is,
How I love him so,
But unless he believes it himself,
Love will never work.
When I logged off from an MSN conversation,
I realised we had talked double the amount in half an hour than we spoke all day.
I knew it wasn't right, but it was routine,
I craved the contact, the pretence of open love
With every day my jealousy got worse.
His past boyfriend hangs around and I can't handle it.
I become miserable, we talk less and less.
We know there's a problem, but we can't face the truth.
Time alone grows more desperate, we go further and yet hardly anywhere at all.
I know I want more, but he could never handle it.
When did I become the needy one?
He started it all, he said he felt things for me and wanted to be with me.
I was strong enough for us both back then.
Now though, now I cling, I'm desperate and I obsess.
This is not a relationship.
We fall further with every day, I live for that one afternoon alone only.
When we can hug, kiss and love.
No time has meant more to me.
But what does it mean to him?
When he starts to shut me out, I know something's wrong.
He is supposed to be the happy one, and yet I become the optimist.
It's all wrong.
I cling to him more and more until I could be strangling.
Yet we were still distant.
We were playing to separate lives.
One day he rejected my hug, yet I did not fully comprehend.
When he sent me no kisses I knew there was real trouble.
He wanted to be just friends.
I can't think of him as just a friend.
He is so much more.
That I loved him I hadn't fully realised until then.
My love for him is what makes me agree to friendship.
I can't bear to think of how to cope without the touches, the kisses and embraces.
But it is what he wants, so I agree.
In my heart I probably know he is right.
During the weekend I don't see him.
My room reminds me of the time we spent together.
Everything is painful and many tears are shed.
When tears no longer come, there is just a dull pain.
By the end of the sunday I finally realised that I was free.
I could now only think of my own happiness, not his.
That comforted me at the time.
It lasted until monday, until school.
We didn't talk.
One word utterances, but not talking.
Even to look at him hurts.
I want to reach out and touch him,
To believe he is there for me,
But he is just a friend.
He will give polite interest in time perhaps, but he is not there.
Other friends don't know, they have no idea.
That is the problem with secrets.
They only live in your head.
I almost stop functioning, but I don't think he notices.
At home I look at the computer though I cannot switch it on.
He isn't there to listen to me anymore.
He doesn't want to know how I wish I could hug him for one last time,
How our last kiss haunts my memories.
He is no longer here and yet he still sits beside me.
My love will always remain, but he is just my friend.
---
Comments to say you've read my post are always appreciated ;)
Just wondering, when reading did you think it was Bam or Ville talking?
Plus, I checked over this by myself, mistakes are all mine.