(no subject)
Title: Love On The Rocks
Author: myforgottenpain
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13 Foul Language, Alcohol References, and adult situation.
Summary: Bam's new found friendship with Ville had made him question parts of his life he has long since repressed. Through an unexpected visit from the Finnish rock star, many bottles of beer, and a special tattoo; Bam must decide if he wants to embrace a side of himself that he has always longed to explore.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything connected to HIM, Ville Valo, or Bam Margera. Nor do I imply that in reality they are anything but friends. I, however, could not pass up a great idea for a fan fiction!
Authors Notes: I do not own Air Supply's "All Out Of Love."
You might want to have some tissues handy. This might tug on your heart strings....
The gray sky above seemed to loom overhead. Rain poured down onto the frigid, damp, world below. Bam's head was resting against the cold window, eyes closed, listening to the thud of raindrops against the window pane. It had been a month since his break up with Ville. A month of sheer pain, sadness, and frustration. A month in which Bam had died, started to be born again, just to feel like he was dying all over again. Ville should have received his final present, his last attempt to reach out to him. But he heard nothing.
Now he was nothing. He had lost and Ville wasn't coming back. The depression that had settled over him when Ville left, had been lovingly nurtured through alcohol. Now that he was sober, it had intensified to an unbearable level. Bam's already poor sleeping habits had intensified right along with the depression, as if trying to keep up with it. Horrible, vivid dreams, kept him awake whenever his body attempted to let him sleep; which wasn't often. He found it more and more pleasing to think of how he would end his life, now that it had lost all of its meaning. He had come up with some pretty complex ways of doing it. The only thing that stopped him was his mom. He wouldn't want to hurt his family like that, but especially his mom. Ape wouldn't have been able to handle dealing with something like that.
Bam closed his eyes and in the distance he heard the sound of a car coming up the driveway. Not what he wanted to hear right now. He couldn't deal with any more guest, not when his home was already full of them. People he knew loved him and were doing their best to help him. Most could sense that Bam was in a really bad state right now and would take turns checking on him almost obsessively. But they were not the one person he wanted back.
Lighting shot across the sky and thunder rolled, almost drowning out the sound of a car door. Bam suddenly had the urge to look and see who it was. He struggled with it for a while, but finally relented and looked. Bam's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw who was standing in his driveway. It had to be a delusion. He had read that people sometimes have hallucinations when they stop drinking and his general lack of sleep and proper nourishment would probably do the same. The figure turned and looked up at him and their eyes meet through the veil of rain outside. Even after he blinked several times, the figure didn't disappear. In a burst of excitement Bam went to dive out of the window. He slammed into it hard and fell onto the floor, rubbing his face. No Bam, no matter how sudden and intense your happiness it, you can not defy the laws of nature and fly through a closed window; he told himself.
He scrambled to his feet and burst through his bedroom door. He nearly took Phil out on his way down the hall. He took the stairs two at a time, smashing into Steve-O, which caused Bam to tumbled the rest of the way down. Missy, Novak, Jess and other respective friends, came running over to Bam. But he shot to his feet, after a moment of recovery, and pushed through them without answering their questions. He ran to the front door with his mother hot on his heels, everyone else behind her.
"Bam!!! Its raining out there! At least put on a jacket!" April cried, running after him. She watched as Bam ran through the front doors and into the rain. "Bam!!" April's voice flattened as she skidded to a stop. People ran into her, but she successfully pushed them back, shutting the front doors. She turned to everyone else and told them to stay inside.
Of course, that just told them to find a new place to watch from. Johnny Knoxville was the first one to think of going upstairs. He scaled the steps with Steve-O and Missy behind him. Everyone else was soon behind them. Once at a window, facing the front yard and driveway, Johnny grinned happily. Steve-O jumped up and down with excitement as everyone else crowded around the window. Missy gasped, placing her hands over her mouth. "Its...."
"Ville." Bam gasped as he came to a stop a few feet away from Ville. Ville eyes didn't move from the gravel driveway, his hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans. Silence settled between them, neither knowing what to say or do. If Ape had been out there, she would have scolded Ville for not wearing a jacket. He was dressed in a rugged Black Sabbath t-shirt, that had the sleeves cut off, and equally worn pair of jeans and sneakers. He was soaked and the only piece of luggage Bam could see was his over night bag.
Not that Bam had room to talk, he was wearing nothing but a pair of pj bottoms. The storm continued around them and they remained unaware of their audience, watching from above. "Ville I'm so..." Bam started to apologize.
"We should go inside before we catch a cold." Ville replied softly, slowly moving to the front door.
Bam, unable to think straight at the moment, agreed and followed Ville. They moved to the front door, which Bam opened in time to hear a crowd of people stumbling down the stairs. They moved to the living room, were their friends waited anxiously to welcome Ville back. Just as Bam thought she would, April scolded Ville for not dressing more appropriate for the weather. Ville's answer came in a nod of understanding.
"I'm sure Ville is tired Ape..." Bam replied, moving towards the stairs, so he could hopefully talk to Ville.
Ville nodded in agreement to Bam, following him silently. April nodded, holding onto Phil's hand as they watched Bam and Ville head upstairs.
Bam walked right for his bedroom without even thinking of it. He paused with the door half open and looked to Ville. "Do... do you want to stay in here?"
Ville continued into Bam's room without stopping, "Where else would I sleep?"
Bam's heart jumped into his throat and he quickly pushed it down, trying not to get his hopes up to much. He nodded and followed Ville into the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. He stayed close to it as he watched Ville. He wanted to hug Ville so badly, his skin was itching to touch him, but Ville could walk out at any second and Bam didn't want to give him a reason to leave.
Ville looked over the room that had always seemed to radiate the passion that they had once shared. Now it seemed as cold and empty as them. His eyes paused on his dresser and noticed it looked exactly the way it would, had this been his average trip to West Chester. He had a feeling that his counter space in the bathroom had also been left just the way he would have wanted it.
Ville watched as Bam finally moved away from the door. Bam stopped in front of him and there was a strange tension between them. Bam slowly reached out, wrapping his fingers around the strap, lifting it over Ville's head, so he could set his bag on the floor. They were so close and despite the pain that lingered, both of them wanted nothing more to embrace and forget this ever happened.
Ville pulled away from Bam and strode over to the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. Sitting down on the toilet, he tried to calm down. He had been so cut off for so long he couldn't deal with the flood of emotions that had hit him from seeing Bam and feeling the old attraction to him. Plus, already into the first 12 hours of sobriety, Ville was starting to feel the results of it. His head had a dull throbbing pain in it and his stomach felt sour. He didn't want to think about what was coming next. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, as they had when Bam had made the DVD for him. Bam, after resisting the urger to either cry or explode, quickly changed. He grabbed a pair of Ville's pjs that thankfully had been in the wash when Ville had left.
Gingerly, Bam knocked on the door before opening it. "Ville?" He replied softly, his breath caught in his throat as he watched Ville pull his shirt off the rest of the way. Ville looked to Bam and then looked down, slowly he made his way over to the door, keeping it between himself and Bam. With their bodies pressed on either side of the door, Bam silently passed the dry clothes to Ville. Ville took it and they both reviled in the brief contact of their fingers.
"Thank you." Ville replied softly, closing the door again.
He reemerged after a few minutes, hands tucked under his arms, as he slowly walked over to Bam. "I'm sorry!" Bam blurt out, leaping off the bed. Ville's head reeled from Bam's high pitched cry, which sent shivers through his body, intensifying the overall sickly feeling. After managing to relax, he gazed at Bam for a moment, which made Bam even more nervous then before. He hung his head, picking at a loose string on the bottom of his shirt. "I'm really sorry Ville." Bam added softly.
"Please don't..." Ville started, his voice pleading with Bam much in the same way he had when he had begged Bam to tell everyone the truth.
"Why not?" Bam asked, looking up, moving closer to Ville.
"Because you don't have too." Ville replied, still not meeting Bam's eyes.
Bam was stunned, "Why? After all that I have done... why wont you let me apologize?"
Ville was silent for a moment. "You've already said everything I wanted to hear." He replied, looking to Bam finally. "Do you want to do something that will really make me happy?"
Bam shook his head as hard as he could. "YES!"
His enthusiasms made Ville smile softly, even if the throbbing in his head had increased for a moment. "Then finish your song." Bam was visibly confused, which made Ville smile a little more. "The song you started playing for me... on your DVD."
A blush crept over Bam's cheeks and he looked down, mumbling, "I did a horrible job."
Ville moved closer to Bam, reaching out to gently run his fingertips along the side of Bam's hand. It sent shivers right up Bam's arm, causing him to look up and meet Ville's gaze. Ville's fingers moved to running along Bam palm and it made Bam's stomach flutter. Bam extended and spread his fingers, in response, Ville extended his fingers down Bam's palm and then then down his fingers. Their palms brushed together and for a moment, Bam thought Ville was going to hold his hand. But at the last moment, Ville ran his fingers back up Bam's palm, causing Bam to relax his hand.
Their lips were so close he could feel Ville's breath on him. "I loved it." Ville whispered, adding, "... I want to hear the rest. I know you worked really hard on it, just for me." There was something about the way it felt to have Ville run his fingers along his hand like that, and the way Ville lowered his voice, that just filled Bam with excitement. He nodded quickly and ran off to get his guitar.
After watching Bam run off, Ville couldn't help but continue smiling, there was just something so endearing about that man. He walked over to the bed and sat on it. He tried lighting a cigarette, but his hands were shaking to bad to do it. He shook them a few times in an attempt to stop it, but it didn't help. Letting a sigh slip through his lips, Ville hunched over and rubbed his temples in an attempt to decrease the throbbing. Out of no where, someone plucked the unlit cigarette from his lips, causing Ville to jump.
Bam set the ashtray, he had brought with him for Ville, on the bed in front of him. He lit the cigarette with the ease of someone who had done this for their own pleasure. He took a second drag from it before handing it back to Ville. Ville raised one eyebrow in question as he took the cigarette back and damn it, if he couldn't taste Bam on it, or maybe he was just telling himself that.
"Since when did you smoke?" Ville asked, watching as Bam fiddled with the guitar.
Bam shrugged, "I needed something that tasted like you... and whiskey wasn't strong enough."
Ville looked down at his hands, and just when Bam was about to tell him that it was alright, he spoke. "I carried your hoodie around."
Bam beamed, "no way."
Ville looked up, his cheeks adorably pink with embarrassment, nodding to confirm the truth in his statement. "The whole month. I found it when I first got back to Finland. It was my constant companion. I... just needed something that smelled like you."
Bam was blushing now this time, "Thats so fucking cute." He snickered, causing Ville to chuckle.
"Just shut up and sing for me." Ville replied, playfully demanding and for the first time it seemed that things were starting to return to normal between them.
Bam chuckled and nodded, adjusting the way he was sitting. He looked to Ville and some how Ville knew what he wanted. He reached out and held the cigarette so Bam could have another drag. Bam smiled as the smoke slowly floated from his lips. "Alright... I'm ready." He started strumming the cords, wincing when he messed up a few of them in a row.
"Keep going... don't look back." Ville replied softly, leaning back into the pillows, as he watched Bam.
Bam nodded and continued playing, gaining a little more confidence as he started singing. Mentally, he kicked himself for sounding worse then a dying dog. But Ville was smiling at him and that in itself made him happy.
"I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights.
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?"
Bam's focus was completely on the task at hand. He wanted to do a good job for Ville, who could bring forth such amazing music with the slightest bit of effort. He wanted to make something beautiful for the man who had brought it so effortlessly into his life.
"And what would you say, if I called on you now?
And said that I cant hold on.
Theres no easy way, it gets harder each day.
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone."
Fatigue hit Ville as he sat there, listening to Bam, and his eyes started to drift shut. He wasn't falling asleep on Bam because he was bored. It was because Bam's music (while not award winning quality) was actually lulling the worn out, sickly, Ville Valo into the most peaceful state he had experienced; since his horrible break up with Bam.
Bam peeked at Ville and stopped playing. Ville was still sitting up, but his eyes were closed, his mouth hung slightly open. Leaning against his guitar, he smiled at Ville, his heart was overwhelmed with happiness at Ville looking so content. It threated to form into tears and come crashing down his cheeks. "You look tired." Bam replied softly, as Ville cracked his eyes open.
"I might be a little tired." Ville whispered, his eyes so heavy he could barely keep them open. He handed over the rest of the cigarette to Bam, who smiled when he tasted Ville on it.
Bam nodded and got off the bed. He put the guitar on the floor, leaning it against the wall. After Ville moved the ashtray to the nightstand, he pulled back the covers, so Ville could wiggled under them. Bam continued to smile as Ville snuggled into the softness of the pillows. After tucking Ville in, Bam watched him for a moment. Ville drew in a deep breath and relaxed. Bam assumed he was asleep and turned to leave. "Where are you going?" Ville asked softly, his eyes still closed.
Bam turned and faced him, scratching his arm. "I... I thought you were tired?"
"You look tired too.... come to bed." Ville replied replied, peeking at Bam.
Bam's heart was beating wildly in his chest. Had something so simple ever sounded so amazing? "Are you sure?"
Ville pulled the blanket and sheets back and indicated to the empty spot next to him. "Now."
Bam nodded, brushing away a few tears that had managed to escape, power smoking what was left of the cigarette so he could crush it in the ashtray. Moving to the other side of the bed, he crawled in, pulling the covers over himself. Snuggling into the pillow, Bam closed his eyes, hoping that he had left enough room between himself and Ville. Again, he didn't want to press his luck with Ville, especially since Ville appeared so willing to forgive and forget. So imagine his surprise when he felt the bed shift. His eyes shot open as he felt Ville's hand slide over his arm, hooking his arm around Bam. Ville pressed his body against Bam's back, his head touching Bam's. He could feel Ville's breath on the back of his neck and it brought forth the tears that he had been holding back. They came with a vengeance and there was no stopping them this time. He cried, reaching over Ville's arm in an attempt to quieten his sobs.
Ville opened his eyes as he felt Bam shaking against him, followed by the sounds of crying. He sat up, leaning over Bam to see what was wrong. "Bam whats..."
Bam's hand shot up and he grabbed Ville's shirt with his left hand. "Please don't leave me.... don't ever leave me again." Bam got out amid his tears.
Ville smiled sweetly at Bam, "I'll never leave you...." He trailed off and went silent. Bam turned onto his back, still gripping Ville's shirt.
"What?" He asked, sitting up, realizing how delightfully close they were. If he just leaned in a few inches he could taste Ville's lips once more. Ville's eyes were on his hand, the one gripping his shirt. He reached up and very gently touched Bam's knuckles. How had he missed that? His eyes were focused on a ring on Bam's ring finger. Not just any ring, no this one use to have a mate, one that belonged to Ville. Ville's beautiful features scrunched up and he struggled to speak, but words failed him. He managed to gasp out loud before tears streamed down his cheeks. He covered his mouth, racked with the tears that he had denied himself for so long.
Realizing finally what was wrong, Bam scrambled to a kneeling position. He wrapped his arms around Ville and held him close. Running his hands over Ville's hair, Bam tried to sooth his love. "Shhh... its alright Ville. Its alright..." Bam tried, unable to stop his own tears from starting up all over again. Which only made Ville sob louder and harder. Tears for the heartache he had felt when he lost Bam. Tears for the misery of being apart for so long. Tears for feeling like he would never be the same. Finally, tears of pure joy to be with Bam once more.
"No it's not Bam." Ville got out, pushing Bam away gently. He brushed his own tears away, sniffling as he tried to calm down. His stomach rolled and he felt sicker and weaker, the pulse in his head grew. Once more he couldn't look at Bam's face. "I threw away the ring you gave me... our fifth anniversary ring. Worse yet... I threw away the key to your heart." He croaked out the last part and more tears came down his flushed cheeks, causing him to close his eyes, turning slightly away from Bam.
"I dont care about a stupid ring Ville." Bam started, despite the fact he had put his own on the day after Ville had left, refusing to take it off since then. Also putting aside the many attempts they had all taken to try and find Ville's ring. He reached out and brushed the last of Ville's tears away. "The symbol on that ring... was just that. A symbol. The real key is right here." Bam replied, picking up Ville's hand, pressing it gently against his chest. He then reached out and placed his own hand on Ville's chest. A final tear slipped down Bam's cheek as Ville's bottom lip quivered.
"Right here baby... thats where they are. I could buy you a thousand rings... and it will never add up to the love that we have right here." He empathized that by pressing Ville's hand against his chest firmly. Ville gasped, reaching up to press Bam's hand against his chest, nodding in agreement.
"It couldn't be in a safer place love." Ville managed to say, his throat tense from crying.
Bam nodded, "I know... I wouldn't want it any where else."
http://community.livejournal.com/__vam/3115052.html?view=42406188#t42406188
http://myforgottenpain.livejournal.com/14222.html
Author: myforgottenpain
Pairing: Vam
Rating: PG-13 Foul Language, Alcohol References, and adult situation.
Summary: Bam's new found friendship with Ville had made him question parts of his life he has long since repressed. Through an unexpected visit from the Finnish rock star, many bottles of beer, and a special tattoo; Bam must decide if he wants to embrace a side of himself that he has always longed to explore.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything connected to HIM, Ville Valo, or Bam Margera. Nor do I imply that in reality they are anything but friends. I, however, could not pass up a great idea for a fan fiction!
Authors Notes: I do not own Air Supply's "All Out Of Love."
You might want to have some tissues handy. This might tug on your heart strings....
The gray sky above seemed to loom overhead. Rain poured down onto the frigid, damp, world below. Bam's head was resting against the cold window, eyes closed, listening to the thud of raindrops against the window pane. It had been a month since his break up with Ville. A month of sheer pain, sadness, and frustration. A month in which Bam had died, started to be born again, just to feel like he was dying all over again. Ville should have received his final present, his last attempt to reach out to him. But he heard nothing.
Now he was nothing. He had lost and Ville wasn't coming back. The depression that had settled over him when Ville left, had been lovingly nurtured through alcohol. Now that he was sober, it had intensified to an unbearable level. Bam's already poor sleeping habits had intensified right along with the depression, as if trying to keep up with it. Horrible, vivid dreams, kept him awake whenever his body attempted to let him sleep; which wasn't often. He found it more and more pleasing to think of how he would end his life, now that it had lost all of its meaning. He had come up with some pretty complex ways of doing it. The only thing that stopped him was his mom. He wouldn't want to hurt his family like that, but especially his mom. Ape wouldn't have been able to handle dealing with something like that.
Bam closed his eyes and in the distance he heard the sound of a car coming up the driveway. Not what he wanted to hear right now. He couldn't deal with any more guest, not when his home was already full of them. People he knew loved him and were doing their best to help him. Most could sense that Bam was in a really bad state right now and would take turns checking on him almost obsessively. But they were not the one person he wanted back.
Lighting shot across the sky and thunder rolled, almost drowning out the sound of a car door. Bam suddenly had the urge to look and see who it was. He struggled with it for a while, but finally relented and looked. Bam's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw who was standing in his driveway. It had to be a delusion. He had read that people sometimes have hallucinations when they stop drinking and his general lack of sleep and proper nourishment would probably do the same. The figure turned and looked up at him and their eyes meet through the veil of rain outside. Even after he blinked several times, the figure didn't disappear. In a burst of excitement Bam went to dive out of the window. He slammed into it hard and fell onto the floor, rubbing his face. No Bam, no matter how sudden and intense your happiness it, you can not defy the laws of nature and fly through a closed window; he told himself.
He scrambled to his feet and burst through his bedroom door. He nearly took Phil out on his way down the hall. He took the stairs two at a time, smashing into Steve-O, which caused Bam to tumbled the rest of the way down. Missy, Novak, Jess and other respective friends, came running over to Bam. But he shot to his feet, after a moment of recovery, and pushed through them without answering their questions. He ran to the front door with his mother hot on his heels, everyone else behind her.
"Bam!!! Its raining out there! At least put on a jacket!" April cried, running after him. She watched as Bam ran through the front doors and into the rain. "Bam!!" April's voice flattened as she skidded to a stop. People ran into her, but she successfully pushed them back, shutting the front doors. She turned to everyone else and told them to stay inside.
Of course, that just told them to find a new place to watch from. Johnny Knoxville was the first one to think of going upstairs. He scaled the steps with Steve-O and Missy behind him. Everyone else was soon behind them. Once at a window, facing the front yard and driveway, Johnny grinned happily. Steve-O jumped up and down with excitement as everyone else crowded around the window. Missy gasped, placing her hands over her mouth. "Its...."
"Ville." Bam gasped as he came to a stop a few feet away from Ville. Ville eyes didn't move from the gravel driveway, his hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans. Silence settled between them, neither knowing what to say or do. If Ape had been out there, she would have scolded Ville for not wearing a jacket. He was dressed in a rugged Black Sabbath t-shirt, that had the sleeves cut off, and equally worn pair of jeans and sneakers. He was soaked and the only piece of luggage Bam could see was his over night bag.
Not that Bam had room to talk, he was wearing nothing but a pair of pj bottoms. The storm continued around them and they remained unaware of their audience, watching from above. "Ville I'm so..." Bam started to apologize.
"We should go inside before we catch a cold." Ville replied softly, slowly moving to the front door.
Bam, unable to think straight at the moment, agreed and followed Ville. They moved to the front door, which Bam opened in time to hear a crowd of people stumbling down the stairs. They moved to the living room, were their friends waited anxiously to welcome Ville back. Just as Bam thought she would, April scolded Ville for not dressing more appropriate for the weather. Ville's answer came in a nod of understanding.
"I'm sure Ville is tired Ape..." Bam replied, moving towards the stairs, so he could hopefully talk to Ville.
Ville nodded in agreement to Bam, following him silently. April nodded, holding onto Phil's hand as they watched Bam and Ville head upstairs.
Bam walked right for his bedroom without even thinking of it. He paused with the door half open and looked to Ville. "Do... do you want to stay in here?"
Ville continued into Bam's room without stopping, "Where else would I sleep?"
Bam's heart jumped into his throat and he quickly pushed it down, trying not to get his hopes up to much. He nodded and followed Ville into the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. He stayed close to it as he watched Ville. He wanted to hug Ville so badly, his skin was itching to touch him, but Ville could walk out at any second and Bam didn't want to give him a reason to leave.
Ville looked over the room that had always seemed to radiate the passion that they had once shared. Now it seemed as cold and empty as them. His eyes paused on his dresser and noticed it looked exactly the way it would, had this been his average trip to West Chester. He had a feeling that his counter space in the bathroom had also been left just the way he would have wanted it.
Ville watched as Bam finally moved away from the door. Bam stopped in front of him and there was a strange tension between them. Bam slowly reached out, wrapping his fingers around the strap, lifting it over Ville's head, so he could set his bag on the floor. They were so close and despite the pain that lingered, both of them wanted nothing more to embrace and forget this ever happened.
Ville pulled away from Bam and strode over to the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. Sitting down on the toilet, he tried to calm down. He had been so cut off for so long he couldn't deal with the flood of emotions that had hit him from seeing Bam and feeling the old attraction to him. Plus, already into the first 12 hours of sobriety, Ville was starting to feel the results of it. His head had a dull throbbing pain in it and his stomach felt sour. He didn't want to think about what was coming next. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, as they had when Bam had made the DVD for him. Bam, after resisting the urger to either cry or explode, quickly changed. He grabbed a pair of Ville's pjs that thankfully had been in the wash when Ville had left.
Gingerly, Bam knocked on the door before opening it. "Ville?" He replied softly, his breath caught in his throat as he watched Ville pull his shirt off the rest of the way. Ville looked to Bam and then looked down, slowly he made his way over to the door, keeping it between himself and Bam. With their bodies pressed on either side of the door, Bam silently passed the dry clothes to Ville. Ville took it and they both reviled in the brief contact of their fingers.
"Thank you." Ville replied softly, closing the door again.
He reemerged after a few minutes, hands tucked under his arms, as he slowly walked over to Bam. "I'm sorry!" Bam blurt out, leaping off the bed. Ville's head reeled from Bam's high pitched cry, which sent shivers through his body, intensifying the overall sickly feeling. After managing to relax, he gazed at Bam for a moment, which made Bam even more nervous then before. He hung his head, picking at a loose string on the bottom of his shirt. "I'm really sorry Ville." Bam added softly.
"Please don't..." Ville started, his voice pleading with Bam much in the same way he had when he had begged Bam to tell everyone the truth.
"Why not?" Bam asked, looking up, moving closer to Ville.
"Because you don't have too." Ville replied, still not meeting Bam's eyes.
Bam was stunned, "Why? After all that I have done... why wont you let me apologize?"
Ville was silent for a moment. "You've already said everything I wanted to hear." He replied, looking to Bam finally. "Do you want to do something that will really make me happy?"
Bam shook his head as hard as he could. "YES!"
His enthusiasms made Ville smile softly, even if the throbbing in his head had increased for a moment. "Then finish your song." Bam was visibly confused, which made Ville smile a little more. "The song you started playing for me... on your DVD."
A blush crept over Bam's cheeks and he looked down, mumbling, "I did a horrible job."
Ville moved closer to Bam, reaching out to gently run his fingertips along the side of Bam's hand. It sent shivers right up Bam's arm, causing him to look up and meet Ville's gaze. Ville's fingers moved to running along Bam palm and it made Bam's stomach flutter. Bam extended and spread his fingers, in response, Ville extended his fingers down Bam's palm and then then down his fingers. Their palms brushed together and for a moment, Bam thought Ville was going to hold his hand. But at the last moment, Ville ran his fingers back up Bam's palm, causing Bam to relax his hand.
Their lips were so close he could feel Ville's breath on him. "I loved it." Ville whispered, adding, "... I want to hear the rest. I know you worked really hard on it, just for me." There was something about the way it felt to have Ville run his fingers along his hand like that, and the way Ville lowered his voice, that just filled Bam with excitement. He nodded quickly and ran off to get his guitar.
After watching Bam run off, Ville couldn't help but continue smiling, there was just something so endearing about that man. He walked over to the bed and sat on it. He tried lighting a cigarette, but his hands were shaking to bad to do it. He shook them a few times in an attempt to stop it, but it didn't help. Letting a sigh slip through his lips, Ville hunched over and rubbed his temples in an attempt to decrease the throbbing. Out of no where, someone plucked the unlit cigarette from his lips, causing Ville to jump.
Bam set the ashtray, he had brought with him for Ville, on the bed in front of him. He lit the cigarette with the ease of someone who had done this for their own pleasure. He took a second drag from it before handing it back to Ville. Ville raised one eyebrow in question as he took the cigarette back and damn it, if he couldn't taste Bam on it, or maybe he was just telling himself that.
"Since when did you smoke?" Ville asked, watching as Bam fiddled with the guitar.
Bam shrugged, "I needed something that tasted like you... and whiskey wasn't strong enough."
Ville looked down at his hands, and just when Bam was about to tell him that it was alright, he spoke. "I carried your hoodie around."
Bam beamed, "no way."
Ville looked up, his cheeks adorably pink with embarrassment, nodding to confirm the truth in his statement. "The whole month. I found it when I first got back to Finland. It was my constant companion. I... just needed something that smelled like you."
Bam was blushing now this time, "Thats so fucking cute." He snickered, causing Ville to chuckle.
"Just shut up and sing for me." Ville replied, playfully demanding and for the first time it seemed that things were starting to return to normal between them.
Bam chuckled and nodded, adjusting the way he was sitting. He looked to Ville and some how Ville knew what he wanted. He reached out and held the cigarette so Bam could have another drag. Bam smiled as the smoke slowly floated from his lips. "Alright... I'm ready." He started strumming the cords, wincing when he messed up a few of them in a row.
"Keep going... don't look back." Ville replied softly, leaning back into the pillows, as he watched Bam.
Bam nodded and continued playing, gaining a little more confidence as he started singing. Mentally, he kicked himself for sounding worse then a dying dog. But Ville was smiling at him and that in itself made him happy.
"I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights.
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?"
Bam's focus was completely on the task at hand. He wanted to do a good job for Ville, who could bring forth such amazing music with the slightest bit of effort. He wanted to make something beautiful for the man who had brought it so effortlessly into his life.
"And what would you say, if I called on you now?
And said that I cant hold on.
Theres no easy way, it gets harder each day.
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone."
Fatigue hit Ville as he sat there, listening to Bam, and his eyes started to drift shut. He wasn't falling asleep on Bam because he was bored. It was because Bam's music (while not award winning quality) was actually lulling the worn out, sickly, Ville Valo into the most peaceful state he had experienced; since his horrible break up with Bam.
Bam peeked at Ville and stopped playing. Ville was still sitting up, but his eyes were closed, his mouth hung slightly open. Leaning against his guitar, he smiled at Ville, his heart was overwhelmed with happiness at Ville looking so content. It threated to form into tears and come crashing down his cheeks. "You look tired." Bam replied softly, as Ville cracked his eyes open.
"I might be a little tired." Ville whispered, his eyes so heavy he could barely keep them open. He handed over the rest of the cigarette to Bam, who smiled when he tasted Ville on it.
Bam nodded and got off the bed. He put the guitar on the floor, leaning it against the wall. After Ville moved the ashtray to the nightstand, he pulled back the covers, so Ville could wiggled under them. Bam continued to smile as Ville snuggled into the softness of the pillows. After tucking Ville in, Bam watched him for a moment. Ville drew in a deep breath and relaxed. Bam assumed he was asleep and turned to leave. "Where are you going?" Ville asked softly, his eyes still closed.
Bam turned and faced him, scratching his arm. "I... I thought you were tired?"
"You look tired too.... come to bed." Ville replied replied, peeking at Bam.
Bam's heart was beating wildly in his chest. Had something so simple ever sounded so amazing? "Are you sure?"
Ville pulled the blanket and sheets back and indicated to the empty spot next to him. "Now."
Bam nodded, brushing away a few tears that had managed to escape, power smoking what was left of the cigarette so he could crush it in the ashtray. Moving to the other side of the bed, he crawled in, pulling the covers over himself. Snuggling into the pillow, Bam closed his eyes, hoping that he had left enough room between himself and Ville. Again, he didn't want to press his luck with Ville, especially since Ville appeared so willing to forgive and forget. So imagine his surprise when he felt the bed shift. His eyes shot open as he felt Ville's hand slide over his arm, hooking his arm around Bam. Ville pressed his body against Bam's back, his head touching Bam's. He could feel Ville's breath on the back of his neck and it brought forth the tears that he had been holding back. They came with a vengeance and there was no stopping them this time. He cried, reaching over Ville's arm in an attempt to quieten his sobs.
Ville opened his eyes as he felt Bam shaking against him, followed by the sounds of crying. He sat up, leaning over Bam to see what was wrong. "Bam whats..."
Bam's hand shot up and he grabbed Ville's shirt with his left hand. "Please don't leave me.... don't ever leave me again." Bam got out amid his tears.
Ville smiled sweetly at Bam, "I'll never leave you...." He trailed off and went silent. Bam turned onto his back, still gripping Ville's shirt.
"What?" He asked, sitting up, realizing how delightfully close they were. If he just leaned in a few inches he could taste Ville's lips once more. Ville's eyes were on his hand, the one gripping his shirt. He reached up and very gently touched Bam's knuckles. How had he missed that? His eyes were focused on a ring on Bam's ring finger. Not just any ring, no this one use to have a mate, one that belonged to Ville. Ville's beautiful features scrunched up and he struggled to speak, but words failed him. He managed to gasp out loud before tears streamed down his cheeks. He covered his mouth, racked with the tears that he had denied himself for so long.
Realizing finally what was wrong, Bam scrambled to a kneeling position. He wrapped his arms around Ville and held him close. Running his hands over Ville's hair, Bam tried to sooth his love. "Shhh... its alright Ville. Its alright..." Bam tried, unable to stop his own tears from starting up all over again. Which only made Ville sob louder and harder. Tears for the heartache he had felt when he lost Bam. Tears for the misery of being apart for so long. Tears for feeling like he would never be the same. Finally, tears of pure joy to be with Bam once more.
"No it's not Bam." Ville got out, pushing Bam away gently. He brushed his own tears away, sniffling as he tried to calm down. His stomach rolled and he felt sicker and weaker, the pulse in his head grew. Once more he couldn't look at Bam's face. "I threw away the ring you gave me... our fifth anniversary ring. Worse yet... I threw away the key to your heart." He croaked out the last part and more tears came down his flushed cheeks, causing him to close his eyes, turning slightly away from Bam.
"I dont care about a stupid ring Ville." Bam started, despite the fact he had put his own on the day after Ville had left, refusing to take it off since then. Also putting aside the many attempts they had all taken to try and find Ville's ring. He reached out and brushed the last of Ville's tears away. "The symbol on that ring... was just that. A symbol. The real key is right here." Bam replied, picking up Ville's hand, pressing it gently against his chest. He then reached out and placed his own hand on Ville's chest. A final tear slipped down Bam's cheek as Ville's bottom lip quivered.
"Right here baby... thats where they are. I could buy you a thousand rings... and it will never add up to the love that we have right here." He empathized that by pressing Ville's hand against his chest firmly. Ville gasped, reaching up to press Bam's hand against his chest, nodding in agreement.
"It couldn't be in a safer place love." Ville managed to say, his throat tense from crying.
Bam nodded, "I know... I wouldn't want it any where else."
http://community.livejournal.com/__vam/3115052.html?view=42406188#t42406188
http://myforgottenpain.livejournal.com/14222.html