Jan 17, 2007 19:55
Maybe a relapse? I am not sure. But I can not go on like this anymore. This is no where near as bad as last semester, but parts of it are still there, and have resurfaced, which they should not have done. But you know what? Things like this happen I guess. Maybe this was supposed to happen for a reason.
In my entire life, never have I ever been significantly depressed. Things were never like that for me, and the one time something does happen it takes over, and I felt like my life, not wholly, but parts of it were completely destroyed. I don't believe that I have any idea of how to get that back, or where to start. Friends whom I have told have been wonderful in trying to help out, but I feel like I am going nowhere and things are just going in circles for me with no real way out. It's been what? 5 months now? I am over the happenings completely, but unfortunately, I have a very vivid memory that I wish I didn't have at times, and that memory hurts me. I often remember some of the dumbest things, things I wish I would not remember. I wish things would get better, but you never really get what you wish for. :(
On top of the above statements, I believe that I have really bad anxiety when it comes to certain issues or things I am dealing with and that makes it worse too. Stress has defintely taken a toll on me. But I need to learn that I can't rely to be with other people all the time because I am scared to be alone. I used to not mind being alone, thought it was fine. I also seem to misinterpret things, or make them out to be a lot worse then they usually are, when in reality, it is nothing like what I am thinking. My friend Brittany told me that I am way too hard on myself when it comes to things like that. I know that I tend to be negative at times as well. I don't mean to, it just happens. Somethings I have to turn around on my own. But where to start? I haven't the slightest idea. Like if someone says something to me, and I know that it isn't intentional, but I will take it as slightly intentional. Then I feel bad, and later on realize I'm wasting my time on nothing. I just want to end all of the pain and start over anew.
I have tight chest pain that comes along with my weird eating schedule. I'm going to go nurse talk here...but I am also anemic. Not severly, but bad enough. I get cold very easily and the last time I had my body fat checked was about 3 years ago...10% for someone who is 22 is NOT good. No one has ever told me my actual hemoglobin and hematocrit levels every time I have done blood draws. And I'm also a bad "patient" because I am VERY non-compliant with medications. I have iron supplements, but I do not take them. For someone who is going to be nurse, that is not good. So because I do not take those pills, I do not get enough oxygenated blood to my heart, which could predispose me to a heart attack. That scares me, just about as much as my mom telling me she could see my ribs through my shirt. I don't want to have a heart attack at 22.
I DO NOT WANT ANY SYMPATHY...NO. This is my own story. I am not looking for attention, pity, or sap. I am just looking to get better, so I finally need to do something about it.
Friday I am going to the hospital. This will be very hard for me. And it's been hard to admit to my friends that I have a problem or should I say problems. It's hard for me to even do something about this situation. But I don't want to live like this anymore. This is a nightmare. I NEED TO GET SOME HELP. I need to find out if I am predisposing myself to a bad heart attack. I need to find out what my blood draws are. I need to get started on some therapy or counseling type of thing. I am just hoping I do not have to take any medication. If I need Ativan to sleep or just calm down, I'll do that, but I have a fear of taking anti-depressant medication. I want to figure out what is wrong with me. I don't care if they have to do psychiatric assessments on me or what not, just anything that is a start, on the road to recovery. Start my life again.
I am so used to doing things on my own...but this is one I just can't.