even if all of my memories disappear; if I'm reborn, (i'll search for you again)
The tarot reader paused, then said "It's almost like there are three of you". And inside, I smiled - because I knew that to be fact.
I have friendships that have lasted over 15 years and I can guarantee that there isn't anyone that truly knows me. From early on, I quickly learnt to adapt. And though appearing manipulative upon reflection, I learnt to give people what they wanted. I guess that's a character point that made me always well-liked.
If you were a person who saw themselves as being strong, I would make myself appear weaker. If you wanted someone to look after you, I would be that comfort. If I could see that you needed joy, I would be that sunshine. I know who I can push. I know who to tip-toe around. I know when to silence myself. I know exactly who and what I should be.
I have so many different circles of friends and I'm certain I'm almost unrecognisable between them all. There are some characteristics that continuously remain, however there are also so many variables. At the end of the day, you need to be aware that you will only ever see what I want you to see. No matter how well you may think you know me, I can assure you that you don't.
And I think my decision to stop updating Livejournal, was also a subconscious thought. There has been so much that has happened in the past few years and there are so few people that are privileged to this information. You may know little bits and pieces, but nobody holds all of the cards except for me.
I know what I'm capable of and I don't need to be wary of what people know. And I certainly don't need to be judged, because quite frankly there is nobodies opinion that is higher than mine. And I laugh, because there are people that love to psychoanalyse me and have convinced themselves that they have me all figured out. ちがいます! If I were the way that everyone thought me to be, then I wouldn't be writing these words now. If I were so weak, then I simply wouldn't be capable of existence.
I'm not in denial. I have not drowned myself out with drugs or alcohol. (J-Pop perhaps, but that's some seriously addictive music!) I have not pursued affection that was below me. And I don't say this to offend anyone reading this, but it's ridiculous how many people in my life are doing this right now. I thought I had issues, but fuck me - I'm perfectly fine compared to so many others.
In my defence, my brother is a drug addict - so I know to never soothe myself with such things. It just blows my mind when people say to me "Oh I'm aware of why I drink, but ...". There's such an action of intent to cure their pain, but not on actually fixing their situation?
And let me tell you, I live. I may not be living to what I know I deserve for my life - but this is all my choice. I have no right to complain about a single thing, because I have made the active decision for it to all be this way. There is nothing stopping me from flicking the switch and changing it all. I can move house, I can change jobs, I can find a new relationship. I have money, I have resources and I have support with anything I choose to do. And when I feel that time has arisen, then that will be done.
But at the end of the day, this is the life I have chosen. I will emerge from this, knowing that I did this all my way. I am a person with a strong belief. I'm either all or nothing and when I give something my all, then I'm unstoppable. There are so few things in life that I do care about, so these things will always have my full attention.
I am completely aware of my situation and I'm not expecting to come out from this with my dream life. We both don't really know who we're coming home to and that's going to be an intense challenge. But no matter the outcome, I will be satisfied knowing that I followed my own rules and stuck to my morals. And for me, that's a decision I can be happy with for the rest of my life.
One thing I do need to try and re-focus on, are my friendships. I've definitely not been as social as I'd like to be - but that's merely due to lack of strength. It's not that I'm depressed and don't want to be around people, I love my friends - I just don't have the strength to be a friend. My tolerance is really low and I simply need to preserve my strength for myself. Right now, I just need to be able to get through my day and simply look after myself. Anything else is a bonus, which I know sounds incredibly selfish - but I have to be.
If it seems like I've pushed you away, it's not because I don't love you - it's just I love myself more.
So please don't think I'm miserable, because I'm not. There are times I can become overwhelmed and emotional, but that's life. No existence is ever exempt from that. I've travelled overseas 3 times in the last 18 months. I've seen my favourite musical acts perform all over the world and I've truly done some amazing things. I just don't have the need to tell everybody about it anymore, that's all.
Have I changed? Absolutely.
I have friendships that have lasted over 15 years and I can guarantee that there isn't anyone that truly knows me. From early on, I quickly learnt to adapt. And though appearing manipulative upon reflection, I learnt to give people what they wanted. I guess that's a character point that made me always well-liked.
If you were a person who saw themselves as being strong, I would make myself appear weaker. If you wanted someone to look after you, I would be that comfort. If I could see that you needed joy, I would be that sunshine. I know who I can push. I know who to tip-toe around. I know when to silence myself. I know exactly who and what I should be.
I have so many different circles of friends and I'm certain I'm almost unrecognisable between them all. There are some characteristics that continuously remain, however there are also so many variables. At the end of the day, you need to be aware that you will only ever see what I want you to see. No matter how well you may think you know me, I can assure you that you don't.
And I think my decision to stop updating Livejournal, was also a subconscious thought. There has been so much that has happened in the past few years and there are so few people that are privileged to this information. You may know little bits and pieces, but nobody holds all of the cards except for me.
I know what I'm capable of and I don't need to be wary of what people know. And I certainly don't need to be judged, because quite frankly there is nobodies opinion that is higher than mine. And I laugh, because there are people that love to psychoanalyse me and have convinced themselves that they have me all figured out. ちがいます! If I were the way that everyone thought me to be, then I wouldn't be writing these words now. If I were so weak, then I simply wouldn't be capable of existence.
I'm not in denial. I have not drowned myself out with drugs or alcohol. (J-Pop perhaps, but that's some seriously addictive music!) I have not pursued affection that was below me. And I don't say this to offend anyone reading this, but it's ridiculous how many people in my life are doing this right now. I thought I had issues, but fuck me - I'm perfectly fine compared to so many others.
In my defence, my brother is a drug addict - so I know to never soothe myself with such things. It just blows my mind when people say to me "Oh I'm aware of why I drink, but ...". There's such an action of intent to cure their pain, but not on actually fixing their situation?
And let me tell you, I live. I may not be living to what I know I deserve for my life - but this is all my choice. I have no right to complain about a single thing, because I have made the active decision for it to all be this way. There is nothing stopping me from flicking the switch and changing it all. I can move house, I can change jobs, I can find a new relationship. I have money, I have resources and I have support with anything I choose to do. And when I feel that time has arisen, then that will be done.
But at the end of the day, this is the life I have chosen. I will emerge from this, knowing that I did this all my way. I am a person with a strong belief. I'm either all or nothing and when I give something my all, then I'm unstoppable. There are so few things in life that I do care about, so these things will always have my full attention.
I am completely aware of my situation and I'm not expecting to come out from this with my dream life. We both don't really know who we're coming home to and that's going to be an intense challenge. But no matter the outcome, I will be satisfied knowing that I followed my own rules and stuck to my morals. And for me, that's a decision I can be happy with for the rest of my life.
One thing I do need to try and re-focus on, are my friendships. I've definitely not been as social as I'd like to be - but that's merely due to lack of strength. It's not that I'm depressed and don't want to be around people, I love my friends - I just don't have the strength to be a friend. My tolerance is really low and I simply need to preserve my strength for myself. Right now, I just need to be able to get through my day and simply look after myself. Anything else is a bonus, which I know sounds incredibly selfish - but I have to be.
If it seems like I've pushed you away, it's not because I don't love you - it's just I love myself more.
So please don't think I'm miserable, because I'm not. There are times I can become overwhelmed and emotional, but that's life. No existence is ever exempt from that. I've travelled overseas 3 times in the last 18 months. I've seen my favourite musical acts perform all over the world and I've truly done some amazing things. I just don't have the need to tell everybody about it anymore, that's all.
Have I changed? Absolutely.