my regrets; they have a bitter taste - that i know all too well.
i went to see a clairvoyant last month.
we sat down, then he smiled and said "you're a little impatient right? well i wouldn't say impatient, it's just you're a very motivated person."
i liked that; i liked that a lot.
i am one with many faults, but my fight is the greatest part of me.
i do not quit, i do not give in & i do not compromise.
i make it through everything to get what i want and i get it my way. i have morals, i have beliefs & i don't get things wrong.
and yeah.
do i wish that i had more in my life at this age?
of course.
but if i had the things that i wanted, then that what mean i'd either be compromising what i want or would be going against my truth.
the amount of people that have said "oh, just get yourself pregnant! you'll be fine!" blows my fucking mind. my fiance is not a sperm donor and i would never do that to myself. and i would never be selfish or stupid enough to do that to simon or my child.
i would love to be married with children by now.
but it would also break my heart to be divorced.
as much as i hate waiting, i appreciate the fact that simon has always had more common sense than me. and i know that when it's the right time, then i will have everything i want - exactly the way i wanted them.
and that's totally worth waiting for.
we have had our ups and downs the past five years, but we are still together. we have not given up and we will not give up. that's what love is. making it through ALL of the times, the good and the bad.
we have pushed eachother to the limits, but we are still here. there have been things that have been difficult to forgive, there have been things that have been difficult to forget and there have been things that have been difficult to accept.
but five years later, we are still here together.
life has been put on hold for awhile, as he's been dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome since june - which has been SO-GOD-DAMN-DIFFICULT for the both of us. he's had to move back home with his parents, because he literally needs constant care.
he sleeps over 18 hours a day and has only just started talking louder than a whisper. he gets tired walking to the letterbox, he struggles to eat and it's just been horrible. it originally started as glandular fever, which was misdiagnosed as tonsilitis and it all just went downhill from there.
and it sucks, because i don't get to see him very often. i'm always busy with work during the week and then it's difficult to sync when he'll be awake, for me to spend time with him on the weekend.
it was terrible at the beginning. i would cry myself to sleep every night, because i was just disgustingly depressed and alone by myself. then i bought myself the most amazing kitten named marley - who is also known as #bastardcat. also one of my best friends lauren (lil) has moved in with me, which has made things much better.
and i guess what doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger.
si's very focused on getting better, finishing uni (online classes) and just coming home. and when that all happens, then we will do everything in our power to make this work. and we will both have everything we want, coz that's just how we roll. this time apart has just confirmed how much we mean to eachother and how much we want this all to work. weaker people would have walked away a long time ago, but we haven't. and we won't.
hanson toured australia last month, for the first time in over 7 years. which meant there was a very chaotic two weeks where i travelled all around australia and just had the absolute time of my life.
but eff me, it was the most emotional tour EVER. granted, they will easily make me cry any day of the month - but this was ridiculous. songs that have no significant meaning to me, would just reduce me to hysterical tears.
and then it finally hit me.
this was the first time in months, where i had actually let myself FEEL. i have been fighting so hard, trying to be the bravest kid ever and throwing myself into work. i have not let myself get upset, i learnt to put the highest walls around me - because i simply had to do everything, to protect myself - to survive.
i have been emotionally dead for such a long time and they just completely broke me down. they have always been my heart. they have always been the story i wanted to tell, the words i just can't explain & they know me, better than i know myself.
for almost two weeks, i was home.
i felt alive. i remembered what it felt like to be happy. i remembered who i was and i just felt brought back to life.
my sister gave birth to my nephew zac in january 2012 and is currently pregnant with TWINS due in january 2013. my brother just came out of rehab last week and will have another admittance in about 6 months. mum and dad are thankfully okay :)
i have a love/hate relationship with my job. i've discovered it's something i'm ridiculously good at, but their expectations and pressures are starting to get to me. once the position comes up, i'll be moving into being a trainer/coach - which will be a good challenge for me. i've never wanted to be a career person & i'm kinda horrified that it's evolving into this.
and i guess that is what's been happening.
peace out livejournal.
we sat down, then he smiled and said "you're a little impatient right? well i wouldn't say impatient, it's just you're a very motivated person."
i liked that; i liked that a lot.
i am one with many faults, but my fight is the greatest part of me.
i do not quit, i do not give in & i do not compromise.
i make it through everything to get what i want and i get it my way. i have morals, i have beliefs & i don't get things wrong.
and yeah.
do i wish that i had more in my life at this age?
of course.
but if i had the things that i wanted, then that what mean i'd either be compromising what i want or would be going against my truth.
the amount of people that have said "oh, just get yourself pregnant! you'll be fine!" blows my fucking mind. my fiance is not a sperm donor and i would never do that to myself. and i would never be selfish or stupid enough to do that to simon or my child.
i would love to be married with children by now.
but it would also break my heart to be divorced.
as much as i hate waiting, i appreciate the fact that simon has always had more common sense than me. and i know that when it's the right time, then i will have everything i want - exactly the way i wanted them.
and that's totally worth waiting for.
we have had our ups and downs the past five years, but we are still together. we have not given up and we will not give up. that's what love is. making it through ALL of the times, the good and the bad.
we have pushed eachother to the limits, but we are still here. there have been things that have been difficult to forgive, there have been things that have been difficult to forget and there have been things that have been difficult to accept.
but five years later, we are still here together.
life has been put on hold for awhile, as he's been dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome since june - which has been SO-GOD-DAMN-DIFFICULT for the both of us. he's had to move back home with his parents, because he literally needs constant care.
he sleeps over 18 hours a day and has only just started talking louder than a whisper. he gets tired walking to the letterbox, he struggles to eat and it's just been horrible. it originally started as glandular fever, which was misdiagnosed as tonsilitis and it all just went downhill from there.
and it sucks, because i don't get to see him very often. i'm always busy with work during the week and then it's difficult to sync when he'll be awake, for me to spend time with him on the weekend.
it was terrible at the beginning. i would cry myself to sleep every night, because i was just disgustingly depressed and alone by myself. then i bought myself the most amazing kitten named marley - who is also known as #bastardcat. also one of my best friends lauren (lil) has moved in with me, which has made things much better.
and i guess what doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger.
si's very focused on getting better, finishing uni (online classes) and just coming home. and when that all happens, then we will do everything in our power to make this work. and we will both have everything we want, coz that's just how we roll. this time apart has just confirmed how much we mean to eachother and how much we want this all to work. weaker people would have walked away a long time ago, but we haven't. and we won't.
hanson toured australia last month, for the first time in over 7 years. which meant there was a very chaotic two weeks where i travelled all around australia and just had the absolute time of my life.
but eff me, it was the most emotional tour EVER. granted, they will easily make me cry any day of the month - but this was ridiculous. songs that have no significant meaning to me, would just reduce me to hysterical tears.
and then it finally hit me.
this was the first time in months, where i had actually let myself FEEL. i have been fighting so hard, trying to be the bravest kid ever and throwing myself into work. i have not let myself get upset, i learnt to put the highest walls around me - because i simply had to do everything, to protect myself - to survive.
i have been emotionally dead for such a long time and they just completely broke me down. they have always been my heart. they have always been the story i wanted to tell, the words i just can't explain & they know me, better than i know myself.
for almost two weeks, i was home.
i felt alive. i remembered what it felt like to be happy. i remembered who i was and i just felt brought back to life.
my sister gave birth to my nephew zac in january 2012 and is currently pregnant with TWINS due in january 2013. my brother just came out of rehab last week and will have another admittance in about 6 months. mum and dad are thankfully okay :)
i have a love/hate relationship with my job. i've discovered it's something i'm ridiculously good at, but their expectations and pressures are starting to get to me. once the position comes up, i'll be moving into being a trainer/coach - which will be a good challenge for me. i've never wanted to be a career person & i'm kinda horrified that it's evolving into this.
and i guess that is what's been happening.
peace out livejournal.