(no subject)
i honestly cant believe thanksgiving break has already come & gone. it flew by so fast, i feel like no time has passed.
in four days i managed to;
get on an earlier flight home
consume jamba juice
chill at LMU with jenni
go with her to meet ali & her dad for in n out
head home for family dinner/chill time
see james bond with jacob
run into david while waiting to get into the movie
get no sleep
have thanksgiving dinner in laurel canyon
spend quality time with the parentals
reunite with my good ol tivo to watch OTH & greys
get a good nights sleep for once in my life
have breakfast with jason & wander larchmont
see an intense LMU woman's basketball game
eat chipotle
have home made apple pie and see karen & harvey
fall back in love with my volvo while being my parents chauffer
have a JAK reunion at my house
pretend to complete a puzzle
fall asleep from exhaustion on my couch
look awful in pictures
wear every combination of jeans, heels & short sleeves i could
walk rodeo drive in 75 degree weather
see penelope
eat at PF changs with laura & alex
see all my disneysluts again
go to an incredible comedy show & laugh til i cried
belt old school pop with five of my best friends on the pasadena freeway
fight with my mother over 'curfew'
drive on the freeway again
completely avoid any & all school work.
it was really surreal, being in my room, in my house again while living out of a suitcase. but it was good, to be back in LA... to see all my girls & my family. it was nice to be in the drivers seat, to know exactly where i was and to have complete control over everything. it was nice to have the comfort of home, of my city and state. to feel like i truly fit in. and i realized something, on my drive home and as i sat down to write this entry..
there are three periods, events, i consider the best of my life. my summers at tawonga, though sprawled over six years, are one. my summer in israel is the second and my senior year the third.
the eleven months in between my weeks at tawonga were mostly terrible for me - i struggled at school, i struggled with friends, boys and parents and everything in between. but when i went to camp i fit in, i belonged at tawonga, i found people who loved me no matter how weird or flat as a bat i was.
israel was a connection that i honestly can not explain. i met some really incredible people, most of whom i am no longer in touch with, but i still had a connection to the group and the place that i can not truly express. i toured a place id never been to but easily called my home. i felt like i belonged, in a country, in a group, in a religion, and that meant everything.
los angeles is, to be quite honest, an ugly city. its sprawled out and tainted by traffic, it has no distinct style of architecture. it is a place coated in grafitti, billboards and smog yet i love it unconditionally. i think, or rather i know, i love it so much because of my memories attached to it. most of those memories come from my senior year, a year that was a huge highlight of my life. & ive realized that thats because senior year i finally found my place at home, felt like i belonged in LA. i had two absolutely amazing best friends and a great group of friends. i was editor of the paper and completely comfortable at laces and at hebrew high. i had jason, and our love made my world. my brother and i were finally connecting, and things between me & my parents were not wonderful, but they were calm. though i still had long distance friendships, they no longer consumed my life, and though my longing to be in northern california was still there, it wasnt what dominated my heart and my mind. my license and my car gave me a sense of freedom and independence as well as a sense of responsibility, and i knew the streets i drove like the back of my hand - it was all in my control, and it fit with me. all of those things helped me thrive.
belonging is something that makes us feel comfortable, its what helps us develop 'home' - however it is expressed or defined. i guess thats what im still searching for at northeastern within the social community. my campus is perfect, and i feel like academically, i fit in really well here. im close enough to the top that im comfortable... im not breezing through nor am i struggling. there are certainly people ive found that ive really connected to, but there are others that drive me crazy. i guess im just anxious for next semester, for new classes & new people, new connections to help me build more of a network of friends and community. i feel like i have the potential to belong here, to feel comfortable here, im just not there yet. but it took me 5 or 6 years to get that feeling LA. ill be graduated in 5 years, so im hoping it doesnt take that long, but i have a feeling itll come. so thats good, ive decided.
the other thing that break made me realize is that some things are meant to change, and some things never will. my house will change - we have a brand new kitchen, things are rearranged, were getting a new TV and new furniture, it can all change, but my family, and our family dynamic, will always remain the same.
the disneysluts will always have our group dynamic when we get together. its just always there, the way we functioned in the past, throughout senior year and now, even as were all changing and across the country, and world, from each other, our group dynamic is still the same.
jason and i, however, have changed, and i really have come to believe we were meant to change. i ran to him a few weeks ago in a desperate attempt to find comfort in the things i thought he would always be able to give me. and that was not fair of me, and it was an expectation he couldnt meet. i turned to him for the wrong reasons - not because i was still in love with him, but because i didnt know how to deal with my loneliness. i needed him to be there for me in a way he couldnt be, and that put a huge strain on our relationship. my expectations were too high. hes adjusting to a huge new thing in his life. we all cope with change differently, and i guess i didnt realize how hard it would be for him to keep up his friendships long distance. part of it really sucks, not having him in my life, but he promised me hed make a bigger effort to try, and i do believe him. but i also realize that as a couple we arent meant to work, at least not at this point in our lives. i guess its one of those things i just have to wait for and see, to figure out if our paths will cross again, or if we'll actually stay in each others lives.. its really all up in the air. it was reassuring to see him over break, to get that hug was a huge comfort, and being in his presence wasnt nearly as overwhelming as i thought it would be. which in a way was sad, because part of me really wanted to still be in love with him, but in a way was relieving, to not have that weight on my chest. he was such a huge, important part of my life, but that part of my life is over, and ive realized i cant drag him unwillingly into my new life, even as just a friend. he has to come on his own.
things with ali & jenni are good. im so lucky to have them, i cant even express how lucky i am. i love them both so much ♥
the next three weeks are going to be hectic & probably pretty stressful, but im going to welcome that hecticness knowing itll bring the end of the semester & a relaxing 10 days in hawaii with the family.
ive got a week & a half of classes til finals start, during which i have two big papers due. a week of finals, during which i have 3 big tests & a huge paper due, but then im home for a weekend & then off to hawaii with the family. ive got a crazy, fabulous month ahead of me. cant wait. ♥
in four days i managed to;
it was really surreal, being in my room, in my house again while living out of a suitcase. but it was good, to be back in LA... to see all my girls & my family. it was nice to be in the drivers seat, to know exactly where i was and to have complete control over everything. it was nice to have the comfort of home, of my city and state. to feel like i truly fit in. and i realized something, on my drive home and as i sat down to write this entry..
there are three periods, events, i consider the best of my life. my summers at tawonga, though sprawled over six years, are one. my summer in israel is the second and my senior year the third.
the eleven months in between my weeks at tawonga were mostly terrible for me - i struggled at school, i struggled with friends, boys and parents and everything in between. but when i went to camp i fit in, i belonged at tawonga, i found people who loved me no matter how weird or flat as a bat i was.
israel was a connection that i honestly can not explain. i met some really incredible people, most of whom i am no longer in touch with, but i still had a connection to the group and the place that i can not truly express. i toured a place id never been to but easily called my home. i felt like i belonged, in a country, in a group, in a religion, and that meant everything.
los angeles is, to be quite honest, an ugly city. its sprawled out and tainted by traffic, it has no distinct style of architecture. it is a place coated in grafitti, billboards and smog yet i love it unconditionally. i think, or rather i know, i love it so much because of my memories attached to it. most of those memories come from my senior year, a year that was a huge highlight of my life. & ive realized that thats because senior year i finally found my place at home, felt like i belonged in LA. i had two absolutely amazing best friends and a great group of friends. i was editor of the paper and completely comfortable at laces and at hebrew high. i had jason, and our love made my world. my brother and i were finally connecting, and things between me & my parents were not wonderful, but they were calm. though i still had long distance friendships, they no longer consumed my life, and though my longing to be in northern california was still there, it wasnt what dominated my heart and my mind. my license and my car gave me a sense of freedom and independence as well as a sense of responsibility, and i knew the streets i drove like the back of my hand - it was all in my control, and it fit with me. all of those things helped me thrive.
belonging is something that makes us feel comfortable, its what helps us develop 'home' - however it is expressed or defined. i guess thats what im still searching for at northeastern within the social community. my campus is perfect, and i feel like academically, i fit in really well here. im close enough to the top that im comfortable... im not breezing through nor am i struggling. there are certainly people ive found that ive really connected to, but there are others that drive me crazy. i guess im just anxious for next semester, for new classes & new people, new connections to help me build more of a network of friends and community. i feel like i have the potential to belong here, to feel comfortable here, im just not there yet. but it took me 5 or 6 years to get that feeling LA. ill be graduated in 5 years, so im hoping it doesnt take that long, but i have a feeling itll come. so thats good, ive decided.
the other thing that break made me realize is that some things are meant to change, and some things never will. my house will change - we have a brand new kitchen, things are rearranged, were getting a new TV and new furniture, it can all change, but my family, and our family dynamic, will always remain the same.
the disneysluts will always have our group dynamic when we get together. its just always there, the way we functioned in the past, throughout senior year and now, even as were all changing and across the country, and world, from each other, our group dynamic is still the same.
jason and i, however, have changed, and i really have come to believe we were meant to change. i ran to him a few weeks ago in a desperate attempt to find comfort in the things i thought he would always be able to give me. and that was not fair of me, and it was an expectation he couldnt meet. i turned to him for the wrong reasons - not because i was still in love with him, but because i didnt know how to deal with my loneliness. i needed him to be there for me in a way he couldnt be, and that put a huge strain on our relationship. my expectations were too high. hes adjusting to a huge new thing in his life. we all cope with change differently, and i guess i didnt realize how hard it would be for him to keep up his friendships long distance. part of it really sucks, not having him in my life, but he promised me hed make a bigger effort to try, and i do believe him. but i also realize that as a couple we arent meant to work, at least not at this point in our lives. i guess its one of those things i just have to wait for and see, to figure out if our paths will cross again, or if we'll actually stay in each others lives.. its really all up in the air. it was reassuring to see him over break, to get that hug was a huge comfort, and being in his presence wasnt nearly as overwhelming as i thought it would be. which in a way was sad, because part of me really wanted to still be in love with him, but in a way was relieving, to not have that weight on my chest. he was such a huge, important part of my life, but that part of my life is over, and ive realized i cant drag him unwillingly into my new life, even as just a friend. he has to come on his own.
things with ali & jenni are good. im so lucky to have them, i cant even express how lucky i am. i love them both so much ♥
the next three weeks are going to be hectic & probably pretty stressful, but im going to welcome that hecticness knowing itll bring the end of the semester & a relaxing 10 days in hawaii with the family.
ive got a week & a half of classes til finals start, during which i have two big papers due. a week of finals, during which i have 3 big tests & a huge paper due, but then im home for a weekend & then off to hawaii with the family. ive got a crazy, fabulous month ahead of me. cant wait. ♥