the boys will stay even if, your gone.

[__slowlyfading]

Rachel Kossman: yay im happy for you
Rachel Kossman: im not gunna lie, im jealous too
Rachel Kossman: i wish i had that with jason
Rachel Kossman: im just not at that place yet
Rachel Kossman: im too restless
Laura Mizes: yah i kinda am too
Laura Mizes: but i realized that no one will ever treat me as well as he does and love me that much
Laura Mizes: so as much as i may want to just look around and hook up with random boys..it is justgoing to hurt because it wont be the boy that i really want
Rachel Kossman: no i know
Rachel Kossman: im realizing that too, after two boys who totally just sucked at life.
Rachel Kossman: but long distance is sooo scary
Laura Mizes: yah it is
Laura Mizes: but john and i are doing ok..just taking it one day at a time, im trying not to get too intimidated

she put into words EXACTLY how im feeling right now. and part of me is so relieved to know, but part of me is so upset.. and i really dont like it.
i dont know what im doing, i really dont. but i miss him. i miss him so much. and sure, part of me misses the constant love, the constant attention, the constant phyiscal connection that we were able to have [that i obviously couldnt get from long distance] i miss the comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who loves me for me. and jason knew me. he saw me at my worst, he still does, and he loved me for that.. i dont know. i guess the scary thing is i dont know if he still loves me. it SUCKS that i had to figure it out this way, to get shoved around trying to replace someone who is honestly irreplacable. everyone keeps telling me you cant compare anyone to your ex, hes so perfect and wonderful.. he really is. goodness, i feel like such a fuck up for losing him. and i know hes going through a lot adjusting - when i talk to him its like hes practically numb to everything while still having a fabulous time.. i just miss it. i miss him. i dont know. it sucks. its scary. its so scary.

other interesting things in my life;

wrote about the wrong election on my history quiz. still got 1.75 out of 2.5 points because i 'wrote so thoroughly'.. hahaha.

had to rewrite my journ paper. got a B++ on the rewrite. hes so weird.

programmed for journ 1 for next semester. 8 AM til 9;40 on tuesdays & fridays. could be better, could be worse? lets just hope i can work out all my other classes [which i get to chose and plan out and such] to avoid fridays.. thatd be nice.

im looking at taking chinese or italian. my daddy said hed take me to china if i learned chinese and could speak and read. hah. we'll see if that happens. but italian is sort of a dead language.. and a foreign correspondant in china could be SUCH a sweet job...

next week looks like this
monday; journalism - extra credit write up & two page paper due, history lecture & history paper proposal due
tuesday; bestsellers class canceled, last math lecture before midterm
wednesday; 20[ish] page midterm/paper due in bestsellers, & of course reg. classes all day
thursday; journalism & history rec & then math review all evening
friday; quiz on harvest in bestsellers & math midterm
... should be fun. blaaaah.

my throat is killing me. and my feet hurt when i walk.

the pictures on my wall keep falling. it makes me sad. i need to just get not cheap blue tack - my parents of course had to buy the crappy kind.

i should sleep, but im too awake, and i hate getting into bed, it just makes me feel so lonely.

gniiight. <33;