(no subject)
For a long, long time, I've been afraid of being alone. I'm not sure where this fear and anxiety originates, but being left to my own devices is not a welcome surprise for me and never has been. I don't like not having someone to talk to, not having a physical presence in close proximity and simply existing in my own skin.
I have fought alone-ness, loneliness, whatever, in many different ways. And it has also invaded most of my relationships to some extent. How can it not, when a grown woman can't stand the thought of night after night by herself? And this explains why I have always experienced the most self-growth outside of relationships when I have been single and on my own.
This time, it is the same, but it is different. Again I am in a relationship with a boy and again there are situations where I am alone. But this situation is different from the previous situations because I am displaced. I am fifty-six minutes or approximately ninety-four kilometres from the city in which I grew up, the city where most of my friends reside, the city where my family resides, the city in which I attended high school, university, held down part-time and full-time jobs. And here in this part of the world, everyone I know is older and established, spouses, kids and all of it and I am the new, much younger girl in town looking to make friends.
I don't take it personally. There's nothing wrong with -me- per se; it's simply that most people in their early thirties have established their friends and have created their families and they don't have time to accommodate a new girl looking for friends.
And so I find myself here. Alone again in our house while my other half is out and I have to find ways to occupy myself and stay content. No easy feat tonight.
I have fought alone-ness, loneliness, whatever, in many different ways. And it has also invaded most of my relationships to some extent. How can it not, when a grown woman can't stand the thought of night after night by herself? And this explains why I have always experienced the most self-growth outside of relationships when I have been single and on my own.
This time, it is the same, but it is different. Again I am in a relationship with a boy and again there are situations where I am alone. But this situation is different from the previous situations because I am displaced. I am fifty-six minutes or approximately ninety-four kilometres from the city in which I grew up, the city where most of my friends reside, the city where my family resides, the city in which I attended high school, university, held down part-time and full-time jobs. And here in this part of the world, everyone I know is older and established, spouses, kids and all of it and I am the new, much younger girl in town looking to make friends.
I don't take it personally. There's nothing wrong with -me- per se; it's simply that most people in their early thirties have established their friends and have created their families and they don't have time to accommodate a new girl looking for friends.
And so I find myself here. Alone again in our house while my other half is out and I have to find ways to occupy myself and stay content. No easy feat tonight.