(no subject)
I have bedbugs. I can barely do the cleaning up because of I guess depression, and also a bunch of repressed memories that I am dealing with but very slowly. I am getting more closure and more details on them, which is good, but I feel so scarred and wounded from all of the trauma that was buried that it is difficult to deal with it all, and next to impossible to do the damned cleaning.
In the meant time family, some of who (or whom) caused the trauma, are leaning on me heavily to get it done so the house can get sprayed. I don't blame them and they barely know about the stuff I've gone through, but I can't really talk to them about it all, tell them what my parents, grandparents did to me, etc.
I am just starting to talk about seeing a therapist, do have some people I have been talking to for years, frustratedly trying to put the pieces together and trying to get an overview.
At some point I may have to get a diagnosis for schizophrenia, though so far it seems mid to high functioning (though maybe not).
The worst memory is one from my adult life which involved, I think, seeing a violent crime, but the people who did it would never let me get away with telling. It is so vague but it keeps coming up, the little I remember. Other memories are coming back quicker, which is good. This worst one seems to involve pillar-of-the-community type people. But by now maybe their lives are all stinking enough, like the cop who got tossed off the force for excessive use of force a while ago. It takes a lot to get kicked out of police work around here.
And I have to deal with cleaning my room which is covered with dust and crowded with stuff I hoarded and can't decide about. And I have been dealing with it but sooooo slowly, and I cannot help it. I think I am 2/3 or better through.
I wish more than anything I could just do what they say and get it done but on the other hand I have all kinds of depression and mental disorganization problems caused by all the abuse.
And in the scheme of thngs even though I really really really want to get it done, it is the last damned thing in the world I care about. I just don't give a freak. :(
I'm going to get some damned Angel videos and go home and watch them. I feel so lazy, but I don't know what else to do.
In the meant time family, some of who (or whom) caused the trauma, are leaning on me heavily to get it done so the house can get sprayed. I don't blame them and they barely know about the stuff I've gone through, but I can't really talk to them about it all, tell them what my parents, grandparents did to me, etc.
I am just starting to talk about seeing a therapist, do have some people I have been talking to for years, frustratedly trying to put the pieces together and trying to get an overview.
At some point I may have to get a diagnosis for schizophrenia, though so far it seems mid to high functioning (though maybe not).
The worst memory is one from my adult life which involved, I think, seeing a violent crime, but the people who did it would never let me get away with telling. It is so vague but it keeps coming up, the little I remember. Other memories are coming back quicker, which is good. This worst one seems to involve pillar-of-the-community type people. But by now maybe their lives are all stinking enough, like the cop who got tossed off the force for excessive use of force a while ago. It takes a lot to get kicked out of police work around here.
And I have to deal with cleaning my room which is covered with dust and crowded with stuff I hoarded and can't decide about. And I have been dealing with it but sooooo slowly, and I cannot help it. I think I am 2/3 or better through.
I wish more than anything I could just do what they say and get it done but on the other hand I have all kinds of depression and mental disorganization problems caused by all the abuse.
And in the scheme of thngs even though I really really really want to get it done, it is the last damned thing in the world I care about. I just don't give a freak. :(
I'm going to get some damned Angel videos and go home and watch them. I feel so lazy, but I don't know what else to do.