And the Crimson Runs Down...
So I'm rather scared? I don't know I'm normally not fearful.
Today in creative writing we wrote (of course), and I started with "I wake in the night to the least sound of silence..." and all of a sudden I started scribbling, well, a scribbly writing. I started free association but not on purpose. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and I didn't have any conscious thoughts except "what the hell am i doing". I just let the pen control me. I couldn't remember what I had previously written, I didn't know what I was going to write. Word size changed, I underlined, exclamation pointed, etc randomly. And it was very morbid and violent and it was like my subconscious was speaking. I was shaking and scrawling and I couldn't think. It was awful but I just couldn't stop the pen! It was the weirdest thing. Has anyone else experienced this? Danny used to tell me that he's written things while half asleep before not knowing that he has and they've been very very odd... I think that's kind of like what I did. I was in a trance. I went back and read it ... and I am frightened of myself now kind of. I'd repeat words over and over in a row, and it had internal rhyme without me meaning to and parallel structure and all this weird organization that I wasn't planning. I have a thank you to Freud in there too because I was doing free association?
I am also scared of my feelings. Kelly, Jacquelyn and I have created a support group to keep ourselves morally in tact haha. We all are in the same predicament in one way or another. I love them. They're going to keep me alright.
I'm afraid for my father. He told me some very dark things about himself, and I appreciate it, I mean no daughter talks about some things like that with her father, and I value that highly that we can be very open ... but it's still scary, since I don't know what to do with an adult. I mean I've dealt with people my own age before and their thoughts but this is a whole new territory.
But at the same time I'm completely fearless, because there is so much fear it is like it has disappeared. I feel alive.
Today in creative writing we wrote (of course), and I started with "I wake in the night to the least sound of silence..." and all of a sudden I started scribbling, well, a scribbly writing. I started free association but not on purpose. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and I didn't have any conscious thoughts except "what the hell am i doing". I just let the pen control me. I couldn't remember what I had previously written, I didn't know what I was going to write. Word size changed, I underlined, exclamation pointed, etc randomly. And it was very morbid and violent and it was like my subconscious was speaking. I was shaking and scrawling and I couldn't think. It was awful but I just couldn't stop the pen! It was the weirdest thing. Has anyone else experienced this? Danny used to tell me that he's written things while half asleep before not knowing that he has and they've been very very odd... I think that's kind of like what I did. I was in a trance. I went back and read it ... and I am frightened of myself now kind of. I'd repeat words over and over in a row, and it had internal rhyme without me meaning to and parallel structure and all this weird organization that I wasn't planning. I have a thank you to Freud in there too because I was doing free association?
I am also scared of my feelings. Kelly, Jacquelyn and I have created a support group to keep ourselves morally in tact haha. We all are in the same predicament in one way or another. I love them. They're going to keep me alright.
I'm afraid for my father. He told me some very dark things about himself, and I appreciate it, I mean no daughter talks about some things like that with her father, and I value that highly that we can be very open ... but it's still scary, since I don't know what to do with an adult. I mean I've dealt with people my own age before and their thoughts but this is a whole new territory.
But at the same time I'm completely fearless, because there is so much fear it is like it has disappeared. I feel alive.