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so.. ive come to the conclusion that everyone and everything in my life is either going to let me down or abandon me. ill never get the chance to be just happy, ill always have fear because i lose everything. i want you to be happy, but i NEED me to be happy. ive convinced myself that i will end up old and alone, i just know it will happen. ill never be happy. ill never be healthy. i wont live long enough nor do i want to. my updates are getting more and more bleak, im getting worse by the day. my optimism is gone, my soul is drained and weary. i wish i knew how everything is going to turn out so i can just get it over with. life is cruel.